Since August 2010, I have been counting down the days to this moment. The moment where I board a plane to Ft. Lauderdale, on my way to spend 5 days on the open seas with Danny, Donnie, Jordan, Joe and Jon. Yeah, that's right -- The New Kids on the Block. I even had an app on my iPhone which counted down the months, day, hours, minutes and seconds until the cruise. Come on, clearly, I am not going to miss an opportunity where Donnie would be stranded on a boat in the middle of the Atlantic with me. There are so many moments to share and they won't fit in one blog. I'll try not to turn this into the "Twilight" saga---- but no promises.
Bright and early Wednesday morning, girl friend #1 (we'll call her GF#1) boarded a plane to Ft. Lauderdale. We were leaving cold temperatures to go to beautiful Miami. My carry on was packed with the essentials: iPad, passport and xanax. I was ready to go. Hell, I was ready to go in January. So GF#1 and I boarded the plane to our "Destiny." Mission Get Donnie Wahlberg in my cabin was in effect (later it would be used as door them to lure him in......)
We arrive in Miami to the news the hotel had "taken the liberty" of upgrading us to a suite. Although the room was not ready, we were free to sit by the pool. She and I barely were in the elevator before we started pulling out our bathing suits. Sitting by the pool, we awaited for the third musketeer to arrive (we'll call her GF#2). I couldn't believe I was finally here and I soaked up the sun feeling happier than I had in months. GF#2 eventually arrived and our room was available..... We dropped our bags off and ran back to the pool. The sun had moved so we found new lounge chairs. As we sat there sipping mojitos and snacking on hummus, GF#2 turns to GF#1 and I only to say, "Um, is that Jordan Knight?" #1 and I turned to look, then looked at each other, then looked again only to say "Oh My God." Well, the texting, tweeting and facebooking began.
I brilliantly decided that we should send over a cocktail on us in lieu of running across the roof top pool and screaming to get his attention. Moments later, I look up again, turn to GF#2 and say, "Ah, Jon Knight is there too." #2 froze--- He is HER favorite. I give her credit--- she maintained composure and we sent him a drink as well. Obviously, if this was Donnie, I would have done the running and screaming part but that's just me. The three of us sat, pretending to read and not notice the boys were still there yet we were all breathlessly anticipating for one of them to come over and thank us.
Finally, our moment had arrived. Jordan Knight came over, sat down and chatted with us for a good half hour. I was able to talk to him as though he wasn't Jordan Knight but just a really hot guy at a pool. To be honest, it wasn't the first time any of us had met him but it was the first time we spent any quality sober time with him. GF#2 and I have maintained the belief that Jordan was the douche in the group. I am happy to say, that perception is destroyed. He was as sweet as he was shy. When we asked (ahem, I ASKED) to take pictures, he was more than gracious about it. Before he walked away, he gave us all hugs and told us to have a blast on the cruise. Sadly, Jon never came over to say thank you. His mother surely raised him better but I love Jon too so I can't say anything bad.
We continued on this high for a few hours over cocktails and dinner only to rush to our room like 6 year old little girls on Christmas Eve awaiting Santa's arrival. We just couldn't get to sleep fast enough and have Day 1 arrive. We also knew it was going to be the ONLY good night's sleep we'd get. So there we were all snuggled in our beds with visions of New Kids dancing in our heads...... not knowing what would lie ahead on The Destiny.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Where Do I Belong?
Dr. Phil always says, "Would you rather be happy or would you rather be right?" It's a pretty simple question but the answer can be so complex depending on the situation. From as far back as I can remember I wanted to be a lawyer. I was convinced this was the career for me. Luckily, I was young which kept me focused on a goal from a young age. I knew I was going to college. I knew my major. I knew I was going to law school. I knew I was going to be top prosecutor. What I didn't know was I wouldn't be able to pass the Bar Exam.
I didn't simply give up after I failed. I tried again. And at the behest of those around me, I tried again even though I didn't want to do it. Although I never passed, I stayed in the field of law and decided that if I couldn't be lawyer, I could be an excellent paralegal. Up until recently, I would say I've had a successful career. When I tell people what I do and where I work, there is always a look of "wow, how exciting" on their faces. The reality is, it's not exciting. This isn't the career for me so now, I'm going to start to work on being happy instead of being right.
Right now, my current employment pays very well and is flexible with my being a mom-- that's what keeps me there. I used to say that I'll stay here as long as they let me but after examining what could be causing some of the anxiety and misery in my life, I realized that my job was a piece of the pie. I don't HATE my job but I also don't LIKE my job. Being in the legal profession isn't where I belong at all. I've known that for some time but haven't done anything about it. Instead, I was thankful for having a well paying job in the current economy.
As a result, I think I became resentful. Especially towards my husband. He loves his job. Although I've discussed that his job is all consuming and his priorities are fucked up, he's still happy doing what he does. He has a sense of knowing the job doesn't control him, but he controls the job. Clearly, I need to work on not allowing the little things at work get to me. We all do that but I really am in the wrong career and it definitely affects my happiness. I want to be happy in all areas of my life-- and that's possible. I see that now. I control my happiness. I don't want to be right anymore, I want to be happy.
Where will this take me? I have no idea. Am I ever going to be a buyer for Bloomingdale's? No. Is that really my dream job? I don't think so. For the time being, I'll continue to work on being excellent in the position I'm at now but this isn't forever. It's just for now. There were times I loved the jobs that I had, and you could tell because I was happy. Alternatively, I've had jobs that made me want to slit my throat and it affected everyone around me. Right now I don't fall into either category. My hope is to find my niche someday soon. I'm open to the possibilities out there and if it means I have to start from the bottom again, it's ok because I would rather be happy than be right.
I didn't simply give up after I failed. I tried again. And at the behest of those around me, I tried again even though I didn't want to do it. Although I never passed, I stayed in the field of law and decided that if I couldn't be lawyer, I could be an excellent paralegal. Up until recently, I would say I've had a successful career. When I tell people what I do and where I work, there is always a look of "wow, how exciting" on their faces. The reality is, it's not exciting. This isn't the career for me so now, I'm going to start to work on being happy instead of being right.
Right now, my current employment pays very well and is flexible with my being a mom-- that's what keeps me there. I used to say that I'll stay here as long as they let me but after examining what could be causing some of the anxiety and misery in my life, I realized that my job was a piece of the pie. I don't HATE my job but I also don't LIKE my job. Being in the legal profession isn't where I belong at all. I've known that for some time but haven't done anything about it. Instead, I was thankful for having a well paying job in the current economy.
As a result, I think I became resentful. Especially towards my husband. He loves his job. Although I've discussed that his job is all consuming and his priorities are fucked up, he's still happy doing what he does. He has a sense of knowing the job doesn't control him, but he controls the job. Clearly, I need to work on not allowing the little things at work get to me. We all do that but I really am in the wrong career and it definitely affects my happiness. I want to be happy in all areas of my life-- and that's possible. I see that now. I control my happiness. I don't want to be right anymore, I want to be happy.
Where will this take me? I have no idea. Am I ever going to be a buyer for Bloomingdale's? No. Is that really my dream job? I don't think so. For the time being, I'll continue to work on being excellent in the position I'm at now but this isn't forever. It's just for now. There were times I loved the jobs that I had, and you could tell because I was happy. Alternatively, I've had jobs that made me want to slit my throat and it affected everyone around me. Right now I don't fall into either category. My hope is to find my niche someday soon. I'm open to the possibilities out there and if it means I have to start from the bottom again, it's ok because I would rather be happy than be right.
Road to Sanity: Day Five
I made it through. A week in an outpatient program at a psychiatric hospital and I made it through. I couldn't believe I was even there but I walked out having gained so much. For the first time in 35 years, I feel like I am starting my life. While I was there, I realized that I don't have the life that I have... but I am the only person who can change it. Am I happy being married to my husband? Absolutely. Am I happy being a mom? She is my pride and joy. But, am I happy with the people in my life? The job I have? The career I chose? ....well, let's just say there are going to be many changes.
The motto I live by is Radical Acceptance. I may not like the reality sometimes but I need to accept it. I've have radically accepted a great deal but I still have a ways to go. Mostly I need to work on the death of my father (as a side note, it will be 14 years this Sunday he'll be gone-- FML). It wasn't until I was in the program that I realized I stuffed so much anger and sadness down which led to not accepting he's gone. The good news is, I'm in therapy so I can start to work on that. My goal is to have accepted the fact that he is gone by his 15 year anniversary.
While I was digging through all these emotions, I realized that there are people in my life that may need to go. I received more support from some of the women in my group (some old enough to be my mom and some young enough to be a little sister) than I did from some of my "friends." Not everyone knows what to say or what to do with a friend who is anorexic. I can appreciate that.... to a point. But ignoring I have a problem or being honest in a negative way, isn't going to help me. I need to start to re-evaluate, one by one, who can remain in my close circle. I have a feeling it's going to get small.
The women in my group taught me just as much as the professionals. Ironically, I didn't think I would even grow close to these women but there is an unspoken bond. Their own personal wisdom helped me. It does help speaking with people who have similar issues. It creates a closeness but we all have to remember to set a boundary-- if not, we'll trigger one another. Hopefully we will all be successful in conquering our problems but there is only so much leaning we can do on one another. Ironically, the reason most of us were in the program was because we took on other's people's problems to solve.
I wish the program was inpatient for a longer period of time. I think I could have benefited from learning more but I am continuing with a six month program that meets once a week. It's sort of like leaving Celeb Rehab and going into Sober House. I wasn't going to participate but, last minute I decided it would be the best for me. Dr. Drew would be so proud of my after care program I'm sure. I recommend this program to anyone who isn't happy.... who isn't living the life they want to live... who lack to coping skills to deal.....
I don't know where I loss the sense of control I had over my life and my happiness in the past year, but it doesn't matter. Mom getting sick was a catalyst. What I mean by that is, a great deal of sadness and anxiety had been shoved down over the years but it reached a pinnacle until Mom got sick. Reality began to set in and without my knowing, set the ball rolling for an emotional explosion. I foolishly thought I beat anorexia years ago. It never goes away. It will always be there but I have accepted (radically of course) anorexia as part of who I am. Can I use better coping skills now? Yes. Will I? I'm trying to work on it every day.
Some in my life don't see the change but I know my truth. I've found my happy again. I'm a new person. A 2.0 version of my old self. I am excited about the changes to come and look forward to work on dealing with dad not being here anymore or eliminating friendships which aren't beneficial to me.
I think Mary J.Blige summed it up the best: No More Drama.
The motto I live by is Radical Acceptance. I may not like the reality sometimes but I need to accept it. I've have radically accepted a great deal but I still have a ways to go. Mostly I need to work on the death of my father (as a side note, it will be 14 years this Sunday he'll be gone-- FML). It wasn't until I was in the program that I realized I stuffed so much anger and sadness down which led to not accepting he's gone. The good news is, I'm in therapy so I can start to work on that. My goal is to have accepted the fact that he is gone by his 15 year anniversary.
While I was digging through all these emotions, I realized that there are people in my life that may need to go. I received more support from some of the women in my group (some old enough to be my mom and some young enough to be a little sister) than I did from some of my "friends." Not everyone knows what to say or what to do with a friend who is anorexic. I can appreciate that.... to a point. But ignoring I have a problem or being honest in a negative way, isn't going to help me. I need to start to re-evaluate, one by one, who can remain in my close circle. I have a feeling it's going to get small.
The women in my group taught me just as much as the professionals. Ironically, I didn't think I would even grow close to these women but there is an unspoken bond. Their own personal wisdom helped me. It does help speaking with people who have similar issues. It creates a closeness but we all have to remember to set a boundary-- if not, we'll trigger one another. Hopefully we will all be successful in conquering our problems but there is only so much leaning we can do on one another. Ironically, the reason most of us were in the program was because we took on other's people's problems to solve.
I wish the program was inpatient for a longer period of time. I think I could have benefited from learning more but I am continuing with a six month program that meets once a week. It's sort of like leaving Celeb Rehab and going into Sober House. I wasn't going to participate but, last minute I decided it would be the best for me. Dr. Drew would be so proud of my after care program I'm sure. I recommend this program to anyone who isn't happy.... who isn't living the life they want to live... who lack to coping skills to deal.....
I don't know where I loss the sense of control I had over my life and my happiness in the past year, but it doesn't matter. Mom getting sick was a catalyst. What I mean by that is, a great deal of sadness and anxiety had been shoved down over the years but it reached a pinnacle until Mom got sick. Reality began to set in and without my knowing, set the ball rolling for an emotional explosion. I foolishly thought I beat anorexia years ago. It never goes away. It will always be there but I have accepted (radically of course) anorexia as part of who I am. Can I use better coping skills now? Yes. Will I? I'm trying to work on it every day.
Some in my life don't see the change but I know my truth. I've found my happy again. I'm a new person. A 2.0 version of my old self. I am excited about the changes to come and look forward to work on dealing with dad not being here anymore or eliminating friendships which aren't beneficial to me.
I think Mary J.Blige summed it up the best: No More Drama.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Road to Sanity: Day Four
Tomorrow is graduation. Surprisingly, it's bittersweet for me. I never ever thought I would benefit from this program the way that I have but, I've found my happy again. I have motivation to get out of bed again (but napping will continue to be part of my regimen during the rest of the leave). I met with my team of doctors today and had a marital session. In each meeting I was told my progress was outstanding and there was a sparkle in my eyes which wasn't there on Monday.
Mostly, the workshops today made a strong impression on me..... They was all about assertiveness, specifically the assertive woman, which I never, ever thought I had a problem with but after today, I realize I never had my own voice. My bark is much worse than my bite--- My mom used to say that my dad was soft as a grape, hard on the outside yet soft on the inside. Today I realized it describes me too. The irony is, I always feel at times I am being too assertive but what I learned is I let people walk all over me. How? Through guilt. Allowing guilt to swallow me whole at times. I am my own worst enemy and take "justified" blame in some of the guilt. This last week has taught me so much about my relationships with so many people. To repeat what I've been saying, it's been eye opening. Aside from the family who knows, my friends have carried me through this week. I don't ever use real names and I'm not going to start, but it's those people who read on a regular basis (and literally send message asking why there hasn't been a blog entry---- sort of a funny form of hate mail) they know who they are.
Even though the professionals were helpful, I really couldn't have made it this far without my friends and my family. I don't know many husbands who would sit in a counseling session, to discuss a marriage that isn't falling apart but has a wife who is beyond fucked up. Although I've complained for months that I wasn't a priority, today I looked over at my husband and realized that he would fly to the moon and back for me to get better. At that moment, at that second, a spark reignited our emotional connection. I realized why we have been together for 7 years and why we are renewing our vows after 5 years of marriage. Of course, all these moments tied together inspired some retail therapy and sent me off to find the perfect dress for the vow renewal. Will it fit me in October? I don't know. I hope so but I hope it's because I've maintained this weight in a healthy way. One day at a time, one moment at a time, one bite at a time.
The texts, the phone calls, the emails, etc have all made what I thought was going to be a long week go by quickly. A week ago, very little made me laugh but now it seems like I can't stop smiling. Each friend in my life serves a purpose-- mostly the purpose is to entertain me but each one has a quality that keeps them around, in my inner circle-- some of whom have been there for decades. When I went into the program, I never intended to make friends. Actually, it was more like a statement "I'm not here to make friends." Are these women I am going to stay in touch with after tomorrow? No but I learned a great deal from them. Each woman in this room has served a purpose. Each one has taught me something about MYSELF. It's allowed me to see myself from a new perspective. I've worked so hard to get through the week and I see it's paying off.... my quality of life has improved in 4 days but deteriorated over 10 months. It's amazing.
This week reminded me that I am so much stronger than I give myself credit for..... and if that's the only thing I take away, the week was a success.
Mostly, the workshops today made a strong impression on me..... They was all about assertiveness, specifically the assertive woman, which I never, ever thought I had a problem with but after today, I realize I never had my own voice. My bark is much worse than my bite--- My mom used to say that my dad was soft as a grape, hard on the outside yet soft on the inside. Today I realized it describes me too. The irony is, I always feel at times I am being too assertive but what I learned is I let people walk all over me. How? Through guilt. Allowing guilt to swallow me whole at times. I am my own worst enemy and take "justified" blame in some of the guilt. This last week has taught me so much about my relationships with so many people. To repeat what I've been saying, it's been eye opening. Aside from the family who knows, my friends have carried me through this week. I don't ever use real names and I'm not going to start, but it's those people who read on a regular basis (and literally send message asking why there hasn't been a blog entry---- sort of a funny form of hate mail) they know who they are.
Even though the professionals were helpful, I really couldn't have made it this far without my friends and my family. I don't know many husbands who would sit in a counseling session, to discuss a marriage that isn't falling apart but has a wife who is beyond fucked up. Although I've complained for months that I wasn't a priority, today I looked over at my husband and realized that he would fly to the moon and back for me to get better. At that moment, at that second, a spark reignited our emotional connection. I realized why we have been together for 7 years and why we are renewing our vows after 5 years of marriage. Of course, all these moments tied together inspired some retail therapy and sent me off to find the perfect dress for the vow renewal. Will it fit me in October? I don't know. I hope so but I hope it's because I've maintained this weight in a healthy way. One day at a time, one moment at a time, one bite at a time.
The texts, the phone calls, the emails, etc have all made what I thought was going to be a long week go by quickly. A week ago, very little made me laugh but now it seems like I can't stop smiling. Each friend in my life serves a purpose-- mostly the purpose is to entertain me but each one has a quality that keeps them around, in my inner circle-- some of whom have been there for decades. When I went into the program, I never intended to make friends. Actually, it was more like a statement "I'm not here to make friends." Are these women I am going to stay in touch with after tomorrow? No but I learned a great deal from them. Each woman in this room has served a purpose. Each one has taught me something about MYSELF. It's allowed me to see myself from a new perspective. I've worked so hard to get through the week and I see it's paying off.... my quality of life has improved in 4 days but deteriorated over 10 months. It's amazing.
This week reminded me that I am so much stronger than I give myself credit for..... and if that's the only thing I take away, the week was a success.
Road to Sanity: Day Three
Oh wow! I can blog from my iPad. Oprah was right- this is the best investment of the 21st century.
I AM HALFWAY THROUGH!!! I feel as though I've learned so much in the three days I have been there. Yesterday was rough day and I considered not coming back but I had a plan in effect - if I got anymore shit about not being in the eating disorders program I was prepared to walk out or at least get in the face of the director of the program and try, in a very Italian way, and explain once and for all that I was not transferring into the eating disorders program. Fortunately, for them and for me, it didn't have to come to that. I walked in prepared with my "I'm an Anorexic" t-shirt on and a half eaten Bagel around my neck.
My anxiety levels through the week are waning at this point and I was pulled out of group early to meet with my psychologist. She thought it was high time we focused more on why I was there (finally) instead of convincing me I was anorexic and needed help. So, I sat there and poured my guts out to her about the last 10 months of my life: the good, the bad and the ugly with my mom. Needless to say that by the time I finished talking, which seemed like an eternity, I was numb. Completely, totally, utterly numb.
We focused on one particular incident which occurred, that I made a self promise not to blog about.... but I'm going to break that promise. Back in the beginning of the year, my mom was thought to have pneumonia and was recommended to go to the hospital but being a nurse, on top of being stubborn, would not go because she KNEW she didn't have pneumonia. She knew exactly what she needed. I was called at work hoping my mere presence would guilt her into going. Yeah, that plan didn't work and long story short, 911 was called and it was determined a social services incident therefore she was forced to go. In the end, she was right--- she didn't have pneumonia but I felt I had done irreparable damage to our relationship by that point. Or so I thought.
Although we talked about it and I apologized to her, my psychologist painted the following scenario for me: Imagine my husband involuntarily bringing me to an in patient eating disorders clinic when I knew I didn't need to be there. That he took my choice away from me-- even though it would be out of love on his point, it was still him taking my choices away as an adult and that's what I did to my mom that day. Yet another Oprah AHA! moment. So after wiping the tears away, and composing myself, I called my mom and apologized again. My first apology was sincere although I felt as though it was the only thing I could do to repair any harm I've done but this time, this time I understood how she felt and the sorry came from the bottom of my heart. It was then that I promised her that I would always be on her side, and she will always be on mine. It was at that moment I knew my relationship with my mom had finally gone back to what it was.
This program continues to help me on a daily basis. I am learning so much about myself and why I'm so fucked up. It's pretty cool. It is truly solidifying my theory that only children are really fucked up. Each workshop has made me stronger yet it's caused me to question many facets of my life. Namely my career. Is being a buyer for Bloomingdale's on 59th and Lexington possible? Sure. Is it probable? Absolutely not. Yet, I'm beginning to think there is something else out there--- so much more I can offer of myself. Not just in my career but as a mom, a wife, a daughter and a friend. The wheels are turning....
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
I AM HALFWAY THROUGH!!! I feel as though I've learned so much in the three days I have been there. Yesterday was rough day and I considered not coming back but I had a plan in effect - if I got anymore shit about not being in the eating disorders program I was prepared to walk out or at least get in the face of the director of the program and try, in a very Italian way, and explain once and for all that I was not transferring into the eating disorders program. Fortunately, for them and for me, it didn't have to come to that. I walked in prepared with my "I'm an Anorexic" t-shirt on and a half eaten Bagel around my neck.
My anxiety levels through the week are waning at this point and I was pulled out of group early to meet with my psychologist. She thought it was high time we focused more on why I was there (finally) instead of convincing me I was anorexic and needed help. So, I sat there and poured my guts out to her about the last 10 months of my life: the good, the bad and the ugly with my mom. Needless to say that by the time I finished talking, which seemed like an eternity, I was numb. Completely, totally, utterly numb.
We focused on one particular incident which occurred, that I made a self promise not to blog about.... but I'm going to break that promise. Back in the beginning of the year, my mom was thought to have pneumonia and was recommended to go to the hospital but being a nurse, on top of being stubborn, would not go because she KNEW she didn't have pneumonia. She knew exactly what she needed. I was called at work hoping my mere presence would guilt her into going. Yeah, that plan didn't work and long story short, 911 was called and it was determined a social services incident therefore she was forced to go. In the end, she was right--- she didn't have pneumonia but I felt I had done irreparable damage to our relationship by that point. Or so I thought.
Although we talked about it and I apologized to her, my psychologist painted the following scenario for me: Imagine my husband involuntarily bringing me to an in patient eating disorders clinic when I knew I didn't need to be there. That he took my choice away from me-- even though it would be out of love on his point, it was still him taking my choices away as an adult and that's what I did to my mom that day. Yet another Oprah AHA! moment. So after wiping the tears away, and composing myself, I called my mom and apologized again. My first apology was sincere although I felt as though it was the only thing I could do to repair any harm I've done but this time, this time I understood how she felt and the sorry came from the bottom of my heart. It was then that I promised her that I would always be on her side, and she will always be on mine. It was at that moment I knew my relationship with my mom had finally gone back to what it was.
This program continues to help me on a daily basis. I am learning so much about myself and why I'm so fucked up. It's pretty cool. It is truly solidifying my theory that only children are really fucked up. Each workshop has made me stronger yet it's caused me to question many facets of my life. Namely my career. Is being a buyer for Bloomingdale's on 59th and Lexington possible? Sure. Is it probable? Absolutely not. Yet, I'm beginning to think there is something else out there--- so much more I can offer of myself. Not just in my career but as a mom, a wife, a daughter and a friend. The wheels are turning....
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Road to Sanity: Day Two
It's funny because during the process of intake into the program, they talk about how many people they tend to lose after the first day. What the fail to mention is the percentage of people who drop out after day two. Holy Fuck, Batman. I don't even know where to begin.... I woke up today feeling better (a little) and ready to go back. I was tired but ready to take on the next challenge of day two or so I thought.
Even though I refused to make friends because well, let's face it, I could give a shit about having more useless people in my life, especially people who share in my anxiety and stress. I need more positive energy in my life, but against my instincts I talked to the other women in the group between workshops and therapy. It was helpful and they give me a perspective from a mom's point of view.... but I digress.
As I was sitting there, learning about reasonable v. emotional mind, I was surprisingly pulled out of my workshop. I hadn't met my social worker yet, so I thought perhaps this could be her. Maybe even the occupational therapist they suggested.... but oh no... I was very, very far off. It was the fucking registered dietitian. Why you ask? To pull me out of the current program and strongly "suggest" I enter their eating disorders program. Hmmmm.... Funny, I thought I addressed this several time yesterday. She soaked up over an hour of my time trying to convince me of their "voluntary" eating disorder program and how beneficial it would be to me. Aside from being totally blindsided by this nonsense, I was pissed and I told her so. Her selling points were: "but you're so close to being better" and "your stories can help the other girls." Um, buy the fucking book if you want help.
I debated my eating disorder with her for over 60 minutes saying, I DIDN'T have one while she continued to say I DID. Finally, she explained the difference between what I see as an anorexic and what the definition of an anorexic, have to do with a state of mind and not a physical look. OK, fine, I concede. I have unhealthy issues with food, I restrict food. Fine. Agreed, let's leave it at that and let me go back to my workshops where I can work on better coping skills. Thank you.
Possibly 10 minutes later, my psychiatrist calls me out. I see her on a daily basis anyway so I rolled with it. Once we got into her office, I told her I was angry about the dietitian she sent to see me which led to her "concern" about my "denial" of an eating disorder. WHAT-THE-FUCK. I'm here trying to deal with a bunch of shit and an eating disorder is just a symptom of the overall process so when you trap me in your office and convince me.... sorry, attempt to convince me of my denial, I lose valuable time in these workshops to deal with my REAL issues.
This is all before noon and I STILL haven't been weighed yet. So I still have that to look forward to-- thank God. Because so far, this day is going swimmingly. After the weigh in or thereabouts, I get the surprise of being taken to the lab for blood work. They call it "routine" but some of the things they checked for (um, electrolyte balance? thyroid issues?) are not fucking routine. This all goes back to the "eating disorder."
Just when I think that my day is close to being done, I get pulled out of my final workshop 30 minutes before we wrap up. This time its my psychologist and guess what, she wants to talk about my denial of being anorexic. It's just a losing battle. This time I finally wasn't being convinced I should leave my current program for the eating disorders program. She just wanted to reiterate that there are options and ways to get help if I think I need it. Ugh. Fine. I give up. If I want help, you're here, I get it. Although I thought I was in the clear, the social worker found me..... Guess what? She wanted to talk about my "eating disorder." I find all of this ironic since most of the day was spent discussing radical acceptance. So here we go:
I AM ANOREXIC
Tomorrow I plan to wear it in a fluorescent t-shirt so no one thinks I am in denial. Yes, I restrict food. Yes, I HAVE A FUCKING EATING DISORDER NOW WILL YOU LEAVE ME ALONE? All I ask is to be left alone to deal with the issues I really need help with and let this one just go. Because I know I'll be fine. I know my limitations. OK, I sound like every other addict out there but I do. I like being skinny right now so just let me be. Let me work on the problems I REALLY need help with.....
Even though all this shit happened, I could still come up with three happy things: eating at d.Carlo's for dinner (see, I DO eat--- even though it doesn't conform to "normal standards"), putting on clean sheets (there is nothing better than getting in a bed with clean sheets) and writing this blog today.
Even though I had a bad fucking day, I did have an Oprah aha! moment. I now have a developed a coping skill when my anxiety is triggered. It won't happen overnight, but I have one. It's the first time in 35 years that I have a coping skill. I learned that my needs are just as important as anyone else's
Step one though is to definitely start wearing my "I heart Anorexia" t-shirt because if I've learned ANYTHING in two days it's that these people (ones i behavioral health) LOVE fucking labels. If it makes them feel better to label me anorexic, then so be it. I may not see eye to eye with these people but I know they know more than I do..... so, if you say I'm anorexic. OK, bring it on. Let's get this-- because I am in control.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Road to Sanity: Day One
Sitting in the waiting room, I took a good look around me. The women I saw, appeared on the outside, to be a great deal like me. I soaked in every minute and listened to the chatter around me as I pretended to read on my iPad. Some of the women were taken off into groups and before I knew it, I was sitting all alone. Turns out they were there for a different program.... a program I probably should have been in based on the conversations I was hearing. I continued to sit and read while I waited to be escorted to my group. The seconds felt like minutes and the minutes felt like hours. I texted replies to those who wished me luck. Began to wish that I was someplace else..... Yet most of all, I tried to remember how I got here in the first place.
When you are told (let's make it clear, this wasn't completely voluntary on my part-- this was driven at least 70% by guilt) that you are going to spend a week in outpatient psychiatric treatment you start to think what the fuck does that mean exactly? I had no idea what to expect and by 11 am my head was spinning. Literally spinning. Obviously this wouldn't be a normal anxiety-ridden experience unless I had a panic attack, which I did while sitting in my car in the parking lot-- debating on whether I was really going to do this. My emotions were on the brink of overflowing and I didn't know when or if I was going to cry (for the record, I did).
My day today was hectic. Overwhelming. Confusing. And of course, filled with anxiety. It basically is a full day of workshops and group therapy during which you are pulled out by a psychiatrist, psychologist and a social worker over the course of the day. So what that meant was, even though I went through a two hour intake process and they had all the notes in front of them, I was forced to repeat the same stories three times today. Argued with three people over NOT being in the eating disorders program. And eventually became emotionally numb to the whole experience. Although I won't see all three of these people on a daily basis, I will see at least 2 out of three daily. Great. Because therapy twice a week wasn't enough so let me spend 7 hours a day talking about my issues.
The group sessions weren't as bad as I thought. They are mainly workshops. When I hear the term group therapy, I picture what I see I Celebrity Rehab which is the Doctor (ie Dr. Drew) sitting at the head of a semi-circle with a group of fucked up people in comfortable chairs wrapped in blankets just sharing emotions and "how they feel" that day. Yeah, nothing like that--- at least not in this program. We sat around a table in a cold room and on uncomfortable chairs. Without giving up to much confidentiality, the women varied in age and I found it difficult to take advice, when I did "share," from a 23 year old. But I don't want to minimize her feelings and though she was trying to be helpful, I felt my problems were more then she could understand. I think alot of what I feel and am going through is harder to deal with because I have a husband and a child. If the only person I had to focus on was ME, I probably wouldn't be there but again, I don't want to minimize her issues.
I need to be more conscious of the eye rolling I do because I can't take some of the nonsense I hear from the others in group. That's just my personality and it's tough to change. I hate nonsense. To them it's not nonsense--- to them it's real. To me it's bullshit. I really don't like the fact that I am judgmental. Interestingly, I'm not judgmental with my friends even when I know they have done things wrong but to pass judgment on a stranger, that's not a problem. I think it's because I'm a bitch--- that's still up for discussion. But, I try to keep an open mind. I learned a little today and I hope to learn more tomorrow. Today's aha! moment was that I DON'T have to appreciate all that I have but I need to appreciate the little things that make me happy---- like watching Donnie on Dancing with the Stars do his salsa moves. I could watch that about 1000 times and it makes me really, really happy. By taking happiness in the little things, I will start to appreciate the bigger picture. At least that is the goal. Everyday, I need to write down three things that make me happy.
Today: dinner went smoothly with Avery meaning, she asked what for what she wanted, I made it and she ate it. Sadly that doesn't happen every day. Next, Avery and I played the kissing game which is one of my favorite things-- it's a game where she asks me to kiss her nose, her cheeks, her eyes, etc. Each kiss end in a burst of giggles. Finally, most of my friends and those in my family who know sent me well wishes. Some didn't--- and I am not going to dwell on it. I guess that means I learned two things today.
Worst part of the day???? Hands down was being weighed. I knew it was coming. I was dreading it and I think that was what was in the back of my head the whole day. The program ends at about 3:30 and by 2, I still hadn't been weighed. I thought I may have escaped the nightmare. I weigh myself every morning using 2 scales yet I don't want to be weighed--- that's called a paradox. A really fucked up paradox. When you're weighed in a program like this, and they label you as having an "eating disorder" they don't let you see the scale. Now, I know what my mechanical scale said today and I know what my digital scale said but I have no idea what that doctor's scale said. That caused great anxiety. I'm not allowed to face forward. Of course when the weighing occurred, I made it a big fucking project. First, I had to pee. Second, the sweater had to come off. Third, shoes and watch came off and Finally, I put my hair up. For whatever reason, all of these things will cause me to weigh the least amount --- in my head.
The good news? They didn't succeed at transferring me into the eating disorder program. The bad news? I will be weighed every day and my vitals will be taken every day. I also have been tapped for some special blood work. Oh, and I'm also going to have the "opportunity" to take part in "extra programs" during the day in lieu of group. So I think they are sneaking "eating disorder" bullshit but, without the supervised means and trips to the bathroom or the daily meeting with the nutritionist to go over the fucking food pyramid. I may play along with their game but they aren't pulling one over on me, I can see right through this.
Today I went in with an open mind. I shared my thoughts with the group and was open and honest with the professionals I saw. I even did my "homework" though I think it's bullshit and more work that I don't have time for, but I did it. Either go balls to the wall or don't do it at all..... Tonight, my anxiety is off the charts. Blogging helps but soon, I can sleep. Only to wake up to do it all again tomorrow. I still don't know what to expect-- because every day is a different day but I can proudly say I completed DAY ONE.
When you are told (let's make it clear, this wasn't completely voluntary on my part-- this was driven at least 70% by guilt) that you are going to spend a week in outpatient psychiatric treatment you start to think what the fuck does that mean exactly? I had no idea what to expect and by 11 am my head was spinning. Literally spinning. Obviously this wouldn't be a normal anxiety-ridden experience unless I had a panic attack, which I did while sitting in my car in the parking lot-- debating on whether I was really going to do this. My emotions were on the brink of overflowing and I didn't know when or if I was going to cry (for the record, I did).
My day today was hectic. Overwhelming. Confusing. And of course, filled with anxiety. It basically is a full day of workshops and group therapy during which you are pulled out by a psychiatrist, psychologist and a social worker over the course of the day. So what that meant was, even though I went through a two hour intake process and they had all the notes in front of them, I was forced to repeat the same stories three times today. Argued with three people over NOT being in the eating disorders program. And eventually became emotionally numb to the whole experience. Although I won't see all three of these people on a daily basis, I will see at least 2 out of three daily. Great. Because therapy twice a week wasn't enough so let me spend 7 hours a day talking about my issues.
The group sessions weren't as bad as I thought. They are mainly workshops. When I hear the term group therapy, I picture what I see I Celebrity Rehab which is the Doctor (ie Dr. Drew) sitting at the head of a semi-circle with a group of fucked up people in comfortable chairs wrapped in blankets just sharing emotions and "how they feel" that day. Yeah, nothing like that--- at least not in this program. We sat around a table in a cold room and on uncomfortable chairs. Without giving up to much confidentiality, the women varied in age and I found it difficult to take advice, when I did "share," from a 23 year old. But I don't want to minimize her feelings and though she was trying to be helpful, I felt my problems were more then she could understand. I think alot of what I feel and am going through is harder to deal with because I have a husband and a child. If the only person I had to focus on was ME, I probably wouldn't be there but again, I don't want to minimize her issues.
I need to be more conscious of the eye rolling I do because I can't take some of the nonsense I hear from the others in group. That's just my personality and it's tough to change. I hate nonsense. To them it's not nonsense--- to them it's real. To me it's bullshit. I really don't like the fact that I am judgmental. Interestingly, I'm not judgmental with my friends even when I know they have done things wrong but to pass judgment on a stranger, that's not a problem. I think it's because I'm a bitch--- that's still up for discussion. But, I try to keep an open mind. I learned a little today and I hope to learn more tomorrow. Today's aha! moment was that I DON'T have to appreciate all that I have but I need to appreciate the little things that make me happy---- like watching Donnie on Dancing with the Stars do his salsa moves. I could watch that about 1000 times and it makes me really, really happy. By taking happiness in the little things, I will start to appreciate the bigger picture. At least that is the goal. Everyday, I need to write down three things that make me happy.
Today: dinner went smoothly with Avery meaning, she asked what for what she wanted, I made it and she ate it. Sadly that doesn't happen every day. Next, Avery and I played the kissing game which is one of my favorite things-- it's a game where she asks me to kiss her nose, her cheeks, her eyes, etc. Each kiss end in a burst of giggles. Finally, most of my friends and those in my family who know sent me well wishes. Some didn't--- and I am not going to dwell on it. I guess that means I learned two things today.
Worst part of the day???? Hands down was being weighed. I knew it was coming. I was dreading it and I think that was what was in the back of my head the whole day. The program ends at about 3:30 and by 2, I still hadn't been weighed. I thought I may have escaped the nightmare. I weigh myself every morning using 2 scales yet I don't want to be weighed--- that's called a paradox. A really fucked up paradox. When you're weighed in a program like this, and they label you as having an "eating disorder" they don't let you see the scale. Now, I know what my mechanical scale said today and I know what my digital scale said but I have no idea what that doctor's scale said. That caused great anxiety. I'm not allowed to face forward. Of course when the weighing occurred, I made it a big fucking project. First, I had to pee. Second, the sweater had to come off. Third, shoes and watch came off and Finally, I put my hair up. For whatever reason, all of these things will cause me to weigh the least amount --- in my head.
The good news? They didn't succeed at transferring me into the eating disorder program. The bad news? I will be weighed every day and my vitals will be taken every day. I also have been tapped for some special blood work. Oh, and I'm also going to have the "opportunity" to take part in "extra programs" during the day in lieu of group. So I think they are sneaking "eating disorder" bullshit but, without the supervised means and trips to the bathroom or the daily meeting with the nutritionist to go over the fucking food pyramid. I may play along with their game but they aren't pulling one over on me, I can see right through this.
Today I went in with an open mind. I shared my thoughts with the group and was open and honest with the professionals I saw. I even did my "homework" though I think it's bullshit and more work that I don't have time for, but I did it. Either go balls to the wall or don't do it at all..... Tonight, my anxiety is off the charts. Blogging helps but soon, I can sleep. Only to wake up to do it all again tomorrow. I still don't know what to expect-- because every day is a different day but I can proudly say I completed DAY ONE.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)