Size Matters

I woke up this morning in a shitty mood.  Not sure why...  But I do have a lot weighing on my mind in general. Even though my meds have been lowered, I do feel better anxiety wise and I'm not depressed.  Overall, I feel pretty good but I haven't felt good since Friday.  It could be that rough therapy session I had or it could be the entire bottle of wine I drank when I got home, but my mood has been off.  I wish I could blame it on something else-- like being off birth control or just the normal job stress but it's not.  It's totally Eating Disorder related.  I was able to push past it for most of the weekend and enjoyed every second of my daughter's birthday.  It was probably the one day I felt happy.

Sunday turned into a day of anxiety having to deal with family members that make me uncomfortable but I survived.  Then it started yesterday....  I really began to feel irritable.  Again, I thought perhaps it was PMS but I'm still a week away and honestly, if I get my period now that I'm off the Pill, I'll be shocked. 

So, today, I got up.  Dealt with a moody toddler, realized dry cleaning lost EVEN MORE of my clothes and then tragedy struck.  As I was getting ready for work, I couldn't button my pants.  My size 2 pants.  It put me over the edge.  I haven't been able to concentrate on much more than that.  I shouldn't say they didn't fit, because they did but not the same way as they have always fit.  It was nearly heart stopping for me.  I was now in a REALLY bad mood.  Anyway who was about to come into contact with me was fucked.  I was beyond irritated. To be honest, I was sad.  I was angry.  I was disappointed.  What happened?  How much did I eat this weekend?  Is this what recovery is like because I'm all fucking set.

To make matters worse, I was walking into work when I fell.  My bags got caught up in the door and I wiped out on both knees.  Now, for most people, that wouldn't be a big deal but for someone in my condition, it is.  I'm very fortunate that I didn't break anything considering that my bones are probably in distress.  My knees are swollen and I am in a lot of pain.  Fortunately I have bosses who convinced me to go home, but not until I heard the whispers and the shit being said behind my back.  Because let's face it, that's what happens.

On my way into work, I told a friend that I feel like the guy in Saw.  The one who is trapped in a room and needs to saw his own leg off to get out.  That's my job in a nutshell.  Regardless....  the falling is happening alot.  The forgetfulness. The confusion.  It's not getting any better and even though my pants may say differently, I think it's attributed to not eating enough.  I'm back to square one. 

I can't work.  I'm struggling everyday to get the minimum done.  Its all smoke and mirrors because my bosses are very pleased with  my work-- right now.  But I'm barely keeping my head above water.  There are two reasons for that: 1) ED and 2) I'm too worried about what's being done, said, etc behind my back at work. Neither of which is out of control.

Sitting at home right now, I could go to sleep and not wake up for weeks.  I am so fucking tired.  It's partly ED and partly because I am a full time working mom.  I want so badly to have energy to do more....  but if it means I can't fit in my pants, I don't know if I am ready for that.  Clearly something has to be done-- but I know I sound like a broken fucking record.  I see I need help, I admit it but do jack shit about it. 

...just wondering when I'm going to hit that bottom.