In Your Face

Moving on from Anorexia 101, I've started teaching lessons for Anorexia 201.  This time around, I continue to deal with ignorance but as with any course, it becomes more challenging. It is very infrequent that I am at a loss for words but, this is one of those times.  My altar ego, Barbie, has been a part of my life for twenty years.  The greater part of that time I lived in hiding and kept Barbie to myself.  I denied the existence to everyone around me, including myself that I had an eating disorder.  And for the first time, at age 37, I am very open about it.

Although it may sound cliche, if I can help one girl, especially my daughter and prevent them from spiraling into the hell of an eating disorder, I want to speak openly and freely about Barbie.  Apparently, this is.... OFFENSIVE. Yes, you read correctly, OFFENSIVE.  It has been brought to my attention that I "throw the eating disorder in people's faces." Well-- essentially.  I'm paraphrasing of course, but the general idea is I'm "too much" with it.  It's bothersome to people how open I am.

(Insert sarcasm tone here) I can absolutely see why people feel this way.  Anorexia is by far, the glamorous life.  I mean who wouldn't want to have an eating disorder right?  This pretty much sums up how awesome Anorexia is:

I mean, come on?  Are you fucking kidding me?  So, Anorexia 201 focus on the following: if you're uptight and uncomfortable about it, I AM GOING TO BE UPTIGHT AND UNCOMFORTABLE. Yes, so if I talk about Barbie (which is a name I really only use when I'm alone or writing this blog), it's ok to laugh if I make a joke.  It's ok to ask a question.  It's ok to give me a sympathetic look.

It's not ok to:

1. ...feel badly for me
2. ...mistake my honesty for attention
3. ...assume I am NOT in recovery.  I will be in recovery for the rest of my life
4. ...think this isn't real-- it's very real.  I have a husband, therapist and friends who can attest to the pain they have endured
5. ...ignore it's existence
6. ...assume this is my identity
7. ....think this is a phase

So, I guess what I'm saying is this:

Alright, I suppose that's pretty much in your face but here's the thing, I don't fucking care.  If you don't like that I talk about Barbie, simple, don't talk to me.  I'm not going to pretend that Barbie is gone, because she'll never be gone.  She may be very quiet....  but she will always be there.  Mainly, I don't want to pretend.  Fuck close mindedness. Allowing myself to feel shame all these years contributed to low self esteem and a nearly crushing relapse.

Oh, and to those people who have taken a step back or have "disappeared" from my life since Barbie re-emerged, do me a favor and don't come back.  If you couldn't be there when I needed you, I sure as hell don't want you around me now so stay in your hole.  I only need those people who hugged me when I said I was ok but knew deep down I really wasn't. Do I have friends who DON'T read my blog?  Absolutely--- and that's fine.  Reading my blog isn't the only way to encourage my recovery..... Hugs work too.  And you know what else?  Noticing what I DID eat and not what I DID'T eat (Anorexia 101).  There are various ways to help me but to say I throw it in your face, well, that makes you weak, in my eyes. 

My favorite ignorant statement is, "She isn't that thin. She doesn't have an eating disorder.  It's all attention seeking behavior."  To that I say, simply, fuck you.  An eating disorder isn't measured by weight.  It's a mental illness.  If I could choose to think I wasn't fat and worthless, why wouldn't I? One of the most amazing quotes I've ever read is by Ralph Waldo Emerson and it can apply to anything: What You Do Speaks So Loud That I Cannot Hear What You Say.  Powerful words.

I am better today because I am open about my eating disorder.  I discuss it in normal everyday conversation because it is a part of my normal everyday life.  At 37 years old, most of the people around me are roughly the same age and when I get upset about how I've lost friends or why someone may be uptight, I hear the same reason, "They just don't know how to act."  Well, bull-fucking-shit.  You're an adult, figure it out.  If my friendship means anything to you, turn on the computer and Google EDNOS.  My philosophy is, if I'm open about it, then there is no reason for you to be uncomfortable.  I'm fighting EVERY DAY to be healthy and if you can't loosen up about it, or learn to talk to me about it, then please don't talk to me.

And remember: