In the last week, I've had some pretty exciting things happen to me. The house we've been building for the past 10 months is ready to become a home. Living in my mom's basement has been.... an experience. Although I appreciate all that she's done, it's not easy to go back home at 34 with your husband and a daughter. The closet of my dreams is complete. It looks amazing and I feel like a much cuter version of Carrie Bradshaw when I stand in it. Only difference will be instead of Manolos, my shoe rack will display Louboutins.
When I thought it couldn't get any more exciting, it did. I was able to book a cabin on the NKOTB cruise for May of next year. I'm not ashamed, I embrace my love for Donnie Wahlberg. Even though I thought it was going to be a once in a life time experience, it turns out this will be my second time going.
And what's the most exciting thing?? My birthday is coming up. Every only child (at least everyone I know) makes a HUGE deal about their birthday. Just because you get older doesn't mean the parties stop. I've been celebrating big on my birthday for years. It's not just a day of celebration.... It's a week... or even a whole month depending on the activities. My mom has always made my birthday the most special day EVER and she has never missed a year. I'm sure this year will be no different.
Here's the problem.... I can't get in the mood to celebrate. I've lost track of how many days until my birthday. I don't even have PLANS for my birthday. Layer that with how I feel terrible I'm moving out of this basement.... Or even taking this cruise. I shouldn't be happy, I should be sad. When my mind starts to wander from worrying about my mom, and I think about what I should be thinking about (ie. plan on how to decorate or what I'll say to Donnie when I see him AGAIN) I feel guilty. Not just a little guilty, but enough guilt that it drives me to the point of tears. I don't have the right to be happy right now-- it's not a happy time. Right?
How can I move out when my mom needs me to take care of her (even though I have been literally kicked out upstairs for being too depressing to look at)? I'm her only child, she needs me and now I'm leaving her. I'm moving only minutes away but it's not the same. When she got sick and needed to go to the emergency room, I was the only one there who could take her.... What happens now if she happens to be alone? It's rare that she is alone but again, what if??
The guilt is terrible.... it eats away at me like a tiny gnat. I really want to be excited about all these things but I feel so selfish. It feels unfair to be happy when I know I should be sad. Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty sad 85% of the time. I try to hide it best I can when I'm in a social environment but I'm sad. Oh and scared, let's not forget scared.
It's hard enough to be an only child and balance this guilt, but with my ethnic background contributing, it's almost unmanageable. I'm probably on the verge of a nervous breakdown of epic proportion. Clearly, I'm my own worst enemy but aren't we all?
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Monday, August 16, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
So THAT'S what friends are for!
I fully expected the next entry on this blog would be about nursing my mom through her first chemo treatment but, she did amazingly well. So well that she spent the day washing windows with newspaper (of course, as any Italian mom would) and making dough boys. She slept well. Feels well. Continues to be in great spirits. What more can I ask for right? Then why am I still so negative? It's tiring to be this anxious all the time.
From the time of my mom's diagnosis, I learned something very important. I truly thought I was alone, but I'm not. I'm surrounded by amazing family and friends. My main support is my husband. He's grounded, positive and a realist-- everything I'm not. His outlook on life is different, which I attribute to his service in Iraq, but I am learning to embrace his views. Most importantly, at the end of the day, getting good night squeezes and kisses from my daughter releases me. But, at a time like this, I need more.... I want more.
I always thought I would love a sibling now, but you know what? I feel like my friends and my cousins are siblings to me. A strong characteristic of only children is their loyalty and their desire for strong friendship bonds. We hold on tightly to the friendships we have because they are an extension of family. They replace the non-existence of a sibling.
In times of tragedy, you realize the real meaning of Godparents (mine are amazing, FYI) and your cousins take on the role of brother and sister. Thankfully, I have two that were beside me when my father died and continue to be while I deal with my mom's illness. They're different from me--- they don't understand me and never will, but love me to death.
My friends on the other hand, are a different story. I have very few people in my life that I consider to be best/close/dear friends--- I don't believe in having just one. Doesn't make sense because I have a lot of love and drama to share so why pin it all on one person. They can broken down into several categories:
1. "I'll Cry With You"-- These are the friends that I can call day or night. They will just sit and cry with me-- no words need to be said. Just lots of hugs and tears.
2. "Let's Go Out and Forget About It" -- These friends want to take my out, ply me with alcohol, get me on a dance floor and have me forget all my troubles. We don't talk about the Cancer or chemo or radical surgery. We live in the moment and laugh, laugh, laugh.
3. "Laughing Until You Can't Breathe"-- I have to say, these are some of my favorite friends. They are clever beyond belief and challenge my wits. Making obscure pop culture references or sending me random movie quote texts just when I need it most tends to brighten my day. They have a dry, sarcastic sense of humor and I can always count on them to make me smile.
4. "We're So Connected it's Eerie" - friends like this are considered my soul twin. I married my soul mate, so this is the next best thing. These friends can sense when I am sad and know exactly when to call, text, visit, etc. They know I need them...... they are my main artery.
Sure, there is crossover between these groups but generally these are the people right now, and they know who they are and where they fall without me naming them. I adore my friends. It's in times of extreme sadness, such as this or extreme happiness, such as planning a wedding or having a baby, that you realize who your TRUE friends are and family. I am truly blessed to have these people in my life. I look forward to their support over the upcoming weeks.
From the time of my mom's diagnosis, I learned something very important. I truly thought I was alone, but I'm not. I'm surrounded by amazing family and friends. My main support is my husband. He's grounded, positive and a realist-- everything I'm not. His outlook on life is different, which I attribute to his service in Iraq, but I am learning to embrace his views. Most importantly, at the end of the day, getting good night squeezes and kisses from my daughter releases me. But, at a time like this, I need more.... I want more.
I always thought I would love a sibling now, but you know what? I feel like my friends and my cousins are siblings to me. A strong characteristic of only children is their loyalty and their desire for strong friendship bonds. We hold on tightly to the friendships we have because they are an extension of family. They replace the non-existence of a sibling.
In times of tragedy, you realize the real meaning of Godparents (mine are amazing, FYI) and your cousins take on the role of brother and sister. Thankfully, I have two that were beside me when my father died and continue to be while I deal with my mom's illness. They're different from me--- they don't understand me and never will, but love me to death.
My friends on the other hand, are a different story. I have very few people in my life that I consider to be best/close/dear friends--- I don't believe in having just one. Doesn't make sense because I have a lot of love and drama to share so why pin it all on one person. They can broken down into several categories:
1. "I'll Cry With You"-- These are the friends that I can call day or night. They will just sit and cry with me-- no words need to be said. Just lots of hugs and tears.
2. "Let's Go Out and Forget About It" -- These friends want to take my out, ply me with alcohol, get me on a dance floor and have me forget all my troubles. We don't talk about the Cancer or chemo or radical surgery. We live in the moment and laugh, laugh, laugh.
3. "Laughing Until You Can't Breathe"-- I have to say, these are some of my favorite friends. They are clever beyond belief and challenge my wits. Making obscure pop culture references or sending me random movie quote texts just when I need it most tends to brighten my day. They have a dry, sarcastic sense of humor and I can always count on them to make me smile.
4. "We're So Connected it's Eerie" - friends like this are considered my soul twin. I married my soul mate, so this is the next best thing. These friends can sense when I am sad and know exactly when to call, text, visit, etc. They know I need them...... they are my main artery.
Sure, there is crossover between these groups but generally these are the people right now, and they know who they are and where they fall without me naming them. I adore my friends. It's in times of extreme sadness, such as this or extreme happiness, such as planning a wedding or having a baby, that you realize who your TRUE friends are and family. I am truly blessed to have these people in my life. I look forward to their support over the upcoming weeks.
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