Chemo treatment number two has been successfully completed at this point, but unfortunately the patient is not doing as well this time around. The "wonder" nausea drugs don't seem to be working as amazingly as they were before. Hopefully her fatigue and nausea will only last 24-48 hours this time. I've NEVER been able to handle my mom being sick-- even with a cold. Clearly, this only got worse after my dad got sick and died but you can add that statement after just about everything in my life.
Again, I believe the reason I hate seeing mom sick is another only child characteristic. Being an only child, your mom is your world. She's your rock for everything. My mom is my best friend and knows 100% of anything that goes in my life (of course I edit those things that I don't think she wants to know...sometimes). I don't think it's a mother daughter thing either.... I know this holds true for male only children-- based on experience. When there's only you, you are the only thing your mother lives and breathes for. There is nothing else. Her life revolves around you. Clearly, all mothers are like that with their children but it's not the same when you have only one to focus on.... it just isn't. I'm a mom to an only child and I can see myself developing these same feelings.
It's difficult to see her like this and makes me wonder what is going to happen in the up coming weeks. Is she going to get weaker? Probably. I don't mean to paint a picture of a gaunt, pale woman who can barely move. To look at her, you wouldn't know she was sick. She looks awesome-- much better than I do right now. So, I continue to pretend to remain positive around her.
Since I mentioned it, let's talk about this "positive attitude" bullshit. Yes, I agree that my mom and the rest of us need to stay positive because a positive attitude is what helps beat this horrific, miserable disease. I'm not a positive person. It's not a big secret but I can't change who I am after 35 years. I have seriously repressed emotion and memories from my dad's illness but as I've mentioned before, I was POSITIVE he wasn't going to die and we were going to add his name to the list of Cancer survivors. That didn't really work out too well for me the first time around so it's hard to rally. Part of the problem with my dad was he thought he was going to die. I don't recall him ever being positive about beating this disease. Overall, dad wasn't a glass is half full kind of guy-- clearly, I'm my father's daughter.
He was a fighter-- and tried hard to beat it but the Cancer was too far advanced that now I begin to think his fight was never going to be strong enough to beat the speed of how quickly the tumors grew and spread. Mom is a fighter too and her attitude is better than dad's was (and mine).
I think last night it just hit me hard for some reason--- and I realized that I am pretty much hanging off a ledge. I've worn myself down already from stress and worrying... literally to the point where I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. My saving grace? My daughter. I know that someone is depending on me now to take care of them so I force myself out of my bed and I face the day with a smile.... until I get to work or go run errands or pretty much any time I'm alone. Then I zone out.
I can't say that I've been curled up in the fetal position crying, but I sit with a blank stare. I literally think my brain is too full with noise to think. In typical only child fashion, I've taken my mom's illness and brought it back to me. It's selfish of me to be sitting here complaining about how sad and tired I am when I'm not the one fighting. It is my worst trait but I have perfected hiding it. I think?
Showing posts with label only child. Show all posts
Showing posts with label only child. Show all posts
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
Is this Italian guilt or just plain, old guilt?
In the last week, I've had some pretty exciting things happen to me. The house we've been building for the past 10 months is ready to become a home. Living in my mom's basement has been.... an experience. Although I appreciate all that she's done, it's not easy to go back home at 34 with your husband and a daughter. The closet of my dreams is complete. It looks amazing and I feel like a much cuter version of Carrie Bradshaw when I stand in it. Only difference will be instead of Manolos, my shoe rack will display Louboutins.
When I thought it couldn't get any more exciting, it did. I was able to book a cabin on the NKOTB cruise for May of next year. I'm not ashamed, I embrace my love for Donnie Wahlberg. Even though I thought it was going to be a once in a life time experience, it turns out this will be my second time going.
And what's the most exciting thing?? My birthday is coming up. Every only child (at least everyone I know) makes a HUGE deal about their birthday. Just because you get older doesn't mean the parties stop. I've been celebrating big on my birthday for years. It's not just a day of celebration.... It's a week... or even a whole month depending on the activities. My mom has always made my birthday the most special day EVER and she has never missed a year. I'm sure this year will be no different.
Here's the problem.... I can't get in the mood to celebrate. I've lost track of how many days until my birthday. I don't even have PLANS for my birthday. Layer that with how I feel terrible I'm moving out of this basement.... Or even taking this cruise. I shouldn't be happy, I should be sad. When my mind starts to wander from worrying about my mom, and I think about what I should be thinking about (ie. plan on how to decorate or what I'll say to Donnie when I see him AGAIN) I feel guilty. Not just a little guilty, but enough guilt that it drives me to the point of tears. I don't have the right to be happy right now-- it's not a happy time. Right?
How can I move out when my mom needs me to take care of her (even though I have been literally kicked out upstairs for being too depressing to look at)? I'm her only child, she needs me and now I'm leaving her. I'm moving only minutes away but it's not the same. When she got sick and needed to go to the emergency room, I was the only one there who could take her.... What happens now if she happens to be alone? It's rare that she is alone but again, what if??
The guilt is terrible.... it eats away at me like a tiny gnat. I really want to be excited about all these things but I feel so selfish. It feels unfair to be happy when I know I should be sad. Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty sad 85% of the time. I try to hide it best I can when I'm in a social environment but I'm sad. Oh and scared, let's not forget scared.
It's hard enough to be an only child and balance this guilt, but with my ethnic background contributing, it's almost unmanageable. I'm probably on the verge of a nervous breakdown of epic proportion. Clearly, I'm my own worst enemy but aren't we all?
When I thought it couldn't get any more exciting, it did. I was able to book a cabin on the NKOTB cruise for May of next year. I'm not ashamed, I embrace my love for Donnie Wahlberg. Even though I thought it was going to be a once in a life time experience, it turns out this will be my second time going.
And what's the most exciting thing?? My birthday is coming up. Every only child (at least everyone I know) makes a HUGE deal about their birthday. Just because you get older doesn't mean the parties stop. I've been celebrating big on my birthday for years. It's not just a day of celebration.... It's a week... or even a whole month depending on the activities. My mom has always made my birthday the most special day EVER and she has never missed a year. I'm sure this year will be no different.
Here's the problem.... I can't get in the mood to celebrate. I've lost track of how many days until my birthday. I don't even have PLANS for my birthday. Layer that with how I feel terrible I'm moving out of this basement.... Or even taking this cruise. I shouldn't be happy, I should be sad. When my mind starts to wander from worrying about my mom, and I think about what I should be thinking about (ie. plan on how to decorate or what I'll say to Donnie when I see him AGAIN) I feel guilty. Not just a little guilty, but enough guilt that it drives me to the point of tears. I don't have the right to be happy right now-- it's not a happy time. Right?
How can I move out when my mom needs me to take care of her (even though I have been literally kicked out upstairs for being too depressing to look at)? I'm her only child, she needs me and now I'm leaving her. I'm moving only minutes away but it's not the same. When she got sick and needed to go to the emergency room, I was the only one there who could take her.... What happens now if she happens to be alone? It's rare that she is alone but again, what if??
The guilt is terrible.... it eats away at me like a tiny gnat. I really want to be excited about all these things but I feel so selfish. It feels unfair to be happy when I know I should be sad. Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty sad 85% of the time. I try to hide it best I can when I'm in a social environment but I'm sad. Oh and scared, let's not forget scared.
It's hard enough to be an only child and balance this guilt, but with my ethnic background contributing, it's almost unmanageable. I'm probably on the verge of a nervous breakdown of epic proportion. Clearly, I'm my own worst enemy but aren't we all?
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Helpless, Party of One
Sadly the miraculous chemo recovery lasts about 6 minutes. Since yesterday, mom's been getting increasingly weak, tired and battling severe stomach upset. She promised to ask for help if she needs it but the problem is, she WON'T ask for help. She won't even be honest about how she feels. When you ask, the response is always, "Oh, I'm just fine." Does just fine mean you sleep for hours at a time? Or that you have no appetite? I think not.
We are berated by her when we ask her what she needs or how she feels. Instead, we just sit there. My daughter is the only thing which appears to bring her some type of happiness but after about 10 minutes, she's too weak to play with her.
I feel helpless..... I want to do what I can to make her feel better but there's nothing I can do, and if there was she wouldn't tell me. I know that part of me is trying to overcompensate for my total absence during my father's illness. Sure, I was away at college but I was less than an hour away. My mom nursed him day and night while I was in Boston having a great time with my friends. I have many, many. many regrets about how I handled my father's illness. I should have done more.
My time here at this house is limited. We're scheduled to move into our new house before the end of the month and now is my time to try and help her. She isn't alone by any means but I feel useless. Even if I could help, let's not forget, she LIES. She is the WORST patient-- but I am sure nurses make the worst patients. They can take care of themselves and they don't need any help. But they're wrong.
It gives me knots in my stomach.... I wonder what's going to happen after her next chemo treatment on Tuesday. My husband tells me I need to stop worrying about things I can't control--- but that's not me. I need to control everything. I'm an only child -- that's what we fucking do. We try to control everything and make it work how we want it to be.
So what are my options? I don't know. I try to be a mom in the midst of all this but I can guarantee if I were to be graded right now I'd get a C... or maybe a C+. I have a great deal of things going on in my life that I should be excited about it but I'm not. I just feel helpless and sad....
We are berated by her when we ask her what she needs or how she feels. Instead, we just sit there. My daughter is the only thing which appears to bring her some type of happiness but after about 10 minutes, she's too weak to play with her.
I feel helpless..... I want to do what I can to make her feel better but there's nothing I can do, and if there was she wouldn't tell me. I know that part of me is trying to overcompensate for my total absence during my father's illness. Sure, I was away at college but I was less than an hour away. My mom nursed him day and night while I was in Boston having a great time with my friends. I have many, many. many regrets about how I handled my father's illness. I should have done more.
My time here at this house is limited. We're scheduled to move into our new house before the end of the month and now is my time to try and help her. She isn't alone by any means but I feel useless. Even if I could help, let's not forget, she LIES. She is the WORST patient-- but I am sure nurses make the worst patients. They can take care of themselves and they don't need any help. But they're wrong.
It gives me knots in my stomach.... I wonder what's going to happen after her next chemo treatment on Tuesday. My husband tells me I need to stop worrying about things I can't control--- but that's not me. I need to control everything. I'm an only child -- that's what we fucking do. We try to control everything and make it work how we want it to be.
So what are my options? I don't know. I try to be a mom in the midst of all this but I can guarantee if I were to be graded right now I'd get a C... or maybe a C+. I have a great deal of things going on in my life that I should be excited about it but I'm not. I just feel helpless and sad....
Friday, August 13, 2010
So THAT'S what friends are for!
I fully expected the next entry on this blog would be about nursing my mom through her first chemo treatment but, she did amazingly well. So well that she spent the day washing windows with newspaper (of course, as any Italian mom would) and making dough boys. She slept well. Feels well. Continues to be in great spirits. What more can I ask for right? Then why am I still so negative? It's tiring to be this anxious all the time.
From the time of my mom's diagnosis, I learned something very important. I truly thought I was alone, but I'm not. I'm surrounded by amazing family and friends. My main support is my husband. He's grounded, positive and a realist-- everything I'm not. His outlook on life is different, which I attribute to his service in Iraq, but I am learning to embrace his views. Most importantly, at the end of the day, getting good night squeezes and kisses from my daughter releases me. But, at a time like this, I need more.... I want more.
I always thought I would love a sibling now, but you know what? I feel like my friends and my cousins are siblings to me. A strong characteristic of only children is their loyalty and their desire for strong friendship bonds. We hold on tightly to the friendships we have because they are an extension of family. They replace the non-existence of a sibling.
In times of tragedy, you realize the real meaning of Godparents (mine are amazing, FYI) and your cousins take on the role of brother and sister. Thankfully, I have two that were beside me when my father died and continue to be while I deal with my mom's illness. They're different from me--- they don't understand me and never will, but love me to death.
My friends on the other hand, are a different story. I have very few people in my life that I consider to be best/close/dear friends--- I don't believe in having just one. Doesn't make sense because I have a lot of love and drama to share so why pin it all on one person. They can broken down into several categories:
1. "I'll Cry With You"-- These are the friends that I can call day or night. They will just sit and cry with me-- no words need to be said. Just lots of hugs and tears.
2. "Let's Go Out and Forget About It" -- These friends want to take my out, ply me with alcohol, get me on a dance floor and have me forget all my troubles. We don't talk about the Cancer or chemo or radical surgery. We live in the moment and laugh, laugh, laugh.
3. "Laughing Until You Can't Breathe"-- I have to say, these are some of my favorite friends. They are clever beyond belief and challenge my wits. Making obscure pop culture references or sending me random movie quote texts just when I need it most tends to brighten my day. They have a dry, sarcastic sense of humor and I can always count on them to make me smile.
4. "We're So Connected it's Eerie" - friends like this are considered my soul twin. I married my soul mate, so this is the next best thing. These friends can sense when I am sad and know exactly when to call, text, visit, etc. They know I need them...... they are my main artery.
Sure, there is crossover between these groups but generally these are the people right now, and they know who they are and where they fall without me naming them. I adore my friends. It's in times of extreme sadness, such as this or extreme happiness, such as planning a wedding or having a baby, that you realize who your TRUE friends are and family. I am truly blessed to have these people in my life. I look forward to their support over the upcoming weeks.
From the time of my mom's diagnosis, I learned something very important. I truly thought I was alone, but I'm not. I'm surrounded by amazing family and friends. My main support is my husband. He's grounded, positive and a realist-- everything I'm not. His outlook on life is different, which I attribute to his service in Iraq, but I am learning to embrace his views. Most importantly, at the end of the day, getting good night squeezes and kisses from my daughter releases me. But, at a time like this, I need more.... I want more.
I always thought I would love a sibling now, but you know what? I feel like my friends and my cousins are siblings to me. A strong characteristic of only children is their loyalty and their desire for strong friendship bonds. We hold on tightly to the friendships we have because they are an extension of family. They replace the non-existence of a sibling.
In times of tragedy, you realize the real meaning of Godparents (mine are amazing, FYI) and your cousins take on the role of brother and sister. Thankfully, I have two that were beside me when my father died and continue to be while I deal with my mom's illness. They're different from me--- they don't understand me and never will, but love me to death.
My friends on the other hand, are a different story. I have very few people in my life that I consider to be best/close/dear friends--- I don't believe in having just one. Doesn't make sense because I have a lot of love and drama to share so why pin it all on one person. They can broken down into several categories:
1. "I'll Cry With You"-- These are the friends that I can call day or night. They will just sit and cry with me-- no words need to be said. Just lots of hugs and tears.
2. "Let's Go Out and Forget About It" -- These friends want to take my out, ply me with alcohol, get me on a dance floor and have me forget all my troubles. We don't talk about the Cancer or chemo or radical surgery. We live in the moment and laugh, laugh, laugh.
3. "Laughing Until You Can't Breathe"-- I have to say, these are some of my favorite friends. They are clever beyond belief and challenge my wits. Making obscure pop culture references or sending me random movie quote texts just when I need it most tends to brighten my day. They have a dry, sarcastic sense of humor and I can always count on them to make me smile.
4. "We're So Connected it's Eerie" - friends like this are considered my soul twin. I married my soul mate, so this is the next best thing. These friends can sense when I am sad and know exactly when to call, text, visit, etc. They know I need them...... they are my main artery.
Sure, there is crossover between these groups but generally these are the people right now, and they know who they are and where they fall without me naming them. I adore my friends. It's in times of extreme sadness, such as this or extreme happiness, such as planning a wedding or having a baby, that you realize who your TRUE friends are and family. I am truly blessed to have these people in my life. I look forward to their support over the upcoming weeks.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
C-Day
It's here. The big day. Chemotherapy is beginning and then she is off to radiation. Both treatments will be going on simultaneously. Although Chemo is only once a week, radiation is EVERY DAY. The next 6 weeks cannot go by fast enough. Since I am 35 and live in her basement, every morning I go up stairs before I leave for work to kiss her good bye (clearly I'm Italian).
Walking up the stairs to see her I felt my heart in throat as I didn't know what to expect. Was she going to be a wreck like I AM? Was she going to be silent and scared? Or even worse, crying? (if there is one thing I can't handle, it's seeing my mom cry. It breaks my heart into a million pieces). But, Um, NO. I didn't encounter any of that. Instead, there she was packing a snack, making sure her Kindle was charged and getting ready to iron her clothes (yes, my mom is the only person who doesn't go in lounging clothes for chemo I'm sure). With a big smile, I got my normal, "Good Morning Princess. How did you sleep?" as if it were any other Wednesday. It was as if she was getting ready for a day of errands--- not a day of having poisonous chemicals being pumped through her. It was at that moment I decided, my mom is the bravest woman I know and I can only aspire to more like her.
Today, SHE is MY inspiration to remain calm and stay positive. I have mounds of guilt not being there with her but next week it's my turn. For weeks I thought she was putting up a front of being brave and positive but it's not a front--- it's real. She knows she is going to beat this and I need to join that club. Seriously, if she's not scared, then why am I? When I left for work, I wished her luck and told her I loved her--- like I do everyday. Today I will think of the big hug she gave me, because for a split second, I felt like everything was going to be all right.
I can't lie, today I wish I had a brother or a sister that I could call to share this burden. I've never regretted being an only child except for now and when my dad died. Maybe it would be nice to have an older sibling to sit and hold my hand while we cry together or even encourage one another to stay positive.
I am working today and it will be tough but I am surrounded by amazing co-workers and a truly understanding manager which may help. My intention is to keep busy here and start to focus on the exciting events coming up over the next few weeks.
Walking up the stairs to see her I felt my heart in throat as I didn't know what to expect. Was she going to be a wreck like I AM? Was she going to be silent and scared? Or even worse, crying? (if there is one thing I can't handle, it's seeing my mom cry. It breaks my heart into a million pieces). But, Um, NO. I didn't encounter any of that. Instead, there she was packing a snack, making sure her Kindle was charged and getting ready to iron her clothes (yes, my mom is the only person who doesn't go in lounging clothes for chemo I'm sure). With a big smile, I got my normal, "Good Morning Princess. How did you sleep?" as if it were any other Wednesday. It was as if she was getting ready for a day of errands--- not a day of having poisonous chemicals being pumped through her. It was at that moment I decided, my mom is the bravest woman I know and I can only aspire to more like her.
Today, SHE is MY inspiration to remain calm and stay positive. I have mounds of guilt not being there with her but next week it's my turn. For weeks I thought she was putting up a front of being brave and positive but it's not a front--- it's real. She knows she is going to beat this and I need to join that club. Seriously, if she's not scared, then why am I? When I left for work, I wished her luck and told her I loved her--- like I do everyday. Today I will think of the big hug she gave me, because for a split second, I felt like everything was going to be all right.
I can't lie, today I wish I had a brother or a sister that I could call to share this burden. I've never regretted being an only child except for now and when my dad died. Maybe it would be nice to have an older sibling to sit and hold my hand while we cry together or even encourage one another to stay positive.
I am working today and it will be tough but I am surrounded by amazing co-workers and a truly understanding manager which may help. My intention is to keep busy here and start to focus on the exciting events coming up over the next few weeks.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Dear Xanax, Thank you.
"Self-medication is use of a drug with therapeutic intent but without professional advice," per Wikipedia.
So here I am, sitting here trying to remain calm and anxiety free but it's hard knowing that in about 13 hours, my mom is about to begin her first round of chemotherapy and radiation. I guess a "normal" person would see the glass half full and find the proverbial silver lining in this dark cloud. I on the other hand prefer to self medicate. My self medication seems to piss off my husband and concern even my best friends but they clearly don't understand the ramifications of what would happen without these meds. Can you say panic attack?????
It's a well known, undisputed fact that only children do not do well with change. In addition to that, we are perfectionists with a need to control everything. This is a deadly combination. For me, when these feelings of loss of control reach a high the best way for me to deal is to take a some sort of anti-anxiety med (which was prescribed) to keep me stable. I'm not ashamed of it-- I embrace it. If I were diabetic, I would take insulin. To me its no different.
Right now, I want to just sit and cry in the fetal position because of my fear. I saw how sick my dad was after chemo and it scares me that my mom is going to be the same way. I recall the nights of him vomiting for hours and my mom making all of his favorite foods in an attempt to get him to eat something. Anything. Is this what my mom is going to go through? Is she going to be sick all the time? Is she going to lose her hair? Will she have the strength to play with her only granddaughter? It's all "noise" in my head but the miracle of xanax is it stops the noise. .....I no longer hear the lambs.
My husband gets angry with my "what ifs" and my "supposes" but it's who I am. It's natural for me to compare this to my dad's Cancer. Is it like comparing apples and oranges? Well, the rational part of me (about 10% for reference) knows that it is but the rest of me (90% for those following along), is irrational sees this equation:
CANCER=DEATH
For weeks my mom has been going through test after test.... and then there was the waiting.... and now? It's here. Treatment is beginning. This is real. My mom has Cancer. I have been spending weeks trying to push this out of my mind and spend time in denial. Wait, not denial. That sounds so negative and immature. I prefer to quote the words of the great Calvin of Calvin and Hobbes, "I am not in denial. I am just very selective about the reality I choose to accept."
Xanax helps me make the right decision on the reality to accept.
So here I am, sitting here trying to remain calm and anxiety free but it's hard knowing that in about 13 hours, my mom is about to begin her first round of chemotherapy and radiation. I guess a "normal" person would see the glass half full and find the proverbial silver lining in this dark cloud. I on the other hand prefer to self medicate. My self medication seems to piss off my husband and concern even my best friends but they clearly don't understand the ramifications of what would happen without these meds. Can you say panic attack?????
It's a well known, undisputed fact that only children do not do well with change. In addition to that, we are perfectionists with a need to control everything. This is a deadly combination. For me, when these feelings of loss of control reach a high the best way for me to deal is to take a some sort of anti-anxiety med (which was prescribed) to keep me stable. I'm not ashamed of it-- I embrace it. If I were diabetic, I would take insulin. To me its no different.
Right now, I want to just sit and cry in the fetal position because of my fear. I saw how sick my dad was after chemo and it scares me that my mom is going to be the same way. I recall the nights of him vomiting for hours and my mom making all of his favorite foods in an attempt to get him to eat something. Anything. Is this what my mom is going to go through? Is she going to be sick all the time? Is she going to lose her hair? Will she have the strength to play with her only granddaughter? It's all "noise" in my head but the miracle of xanax is it stops the noise. .....I no longer hear the lambs.
My husband gets angry with my "what ifs" and my "supposes" but it's who I am. It's natural for me to compare this to my dad's Cancer. Is it like comparing apples and oranges? Well, the rational part of me (about 10% for reference) knows that it is but the rest of me (90% for those following along), is irrational sees this equation:
CANCER=DEATH
For weeks my mom has been going through test after test.... and then there was the waiting.... and now? It's here. Treatment is beginning. This is real. My mom has Cancer. I have been spending weeks trying to push this out of my mind and spend time in denial. Wait, not denial. That sounds so negative and immature. I prefer to quote the words of the great Calvin of Calvin and Hobbes, "I am not in denial. I am just very selective about the reality I choose to accept."
Xanax helps me make the right decision on the reality to accept.
Is this a bad dream or really my life?
Picture it, May 1997. I'm 21 years old and instead of off celebrating my recent college graduation by backpacking through Europe or driving around in my new car, I'm burying my father. You hear the words Cancer and at 21 you never think it's something that will take away your mom or dad. It's a disease that takes your grandparents or your elderly aunt, not your 48 year old father. Hands down, it was the worst experience of my life. I always new someday I'd bury my father but not before I graduated law school. Not before I got married. Not before my first child was born. Over 13 years, I've learned how to stop crying and remember the good times. Not a day goes by that I don't miss my dad, but the difference is, I feel like I have my own personal guardian angel.
Flash forward to July 2010. I come home, which is currently a basement at my mom's while we build a house, only to hear from her that she has Cancer. My first reaction is WHAT THE FUCK. How can this be possible? Did I piss off someone in a past life? Is that why I am being forced to deal with this Cancer nonsense again? As close as I was to my dad, my mom is my best friend. I live with her but I still talk to her at least 4 times a day while I'm at work. She's the first person I call when I have good news.... bad news... or even better, gossip. Immediately I started thinking, what am I going to do without her? I have an amazing husband and beautiful daughter.... but they're not my mom. Who is going to be my mom? Once she goes, I'm all alone. I'm surrounded by people (family and friends) but at the same time I am all alone. I don't have a brother or sister to lean on or share my thoughts with on this.
If I cry, I cry alone. After my experience with my father, I learned to suppress my feeling for fear of upsetting those around me. Everyone is telling me, you have to be strong for your mom and for Avery and David (her husband). But, I can't be. I'm sad. I'm angry. I WANT to cry. I want to be angry and be pissed off. This is unfair. I know I may sound like a selfish brat but I want someone to hold me and tell me it's going to be OK. The one person who used to do that was my mom and I can't go to her.... I have to continue with the facade of "You're going to be fine and we're going to beat this!!!" Problem is, I'm a glass empty kind of girl.
The diagnosis: Stage I esophageal cancer. It hasn't spread to the lymph nodes and the PET scan is clear of any other cancer. Best news is this tumor is completely operable. All good news right??? I wish I could stop thinking of the "what ifs." I don't want her to be sick. I don't want her to die. I'm not ready for that. Losing my father at a young age was enough. I'm full for now. Having tragedy strike the same family twice seems unnatural and against the odds.
I find solace in the fact that my dad was Stage IV Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma which is completely inoperable. My mom's Cancer is everything my dad's wasn't. As an only child, you can only depend on cousins, friends, husband, etc for so much. They don't understand--- even though they try so very hard.
Hopefully this blog will reach other only children that can relate. It would be nice to know I'm not alone. Right now, all I can do is take it one day at a time.
Flash forward to July 2010. I come home, which is currently a basement at my mom's while we build a house, only to hear from her that she has Cancer. My first reaction is WHAT THE FUCK. How can this be possible? Did I piss off someone in a past life? Is that why I am being forced to deal with this Cancer nonsense again? As close as I was to my dad, my mom is my best friend. I live with her but I still talk to her at least 4 times a day while I'm at work. She's the first person I call when I have good news.... bad news... or even better, gossip. Immediately I started thinking, what am I going to do without her? I have an amazing husband and beautiful daughter.... but they're not my mom. Who is going to be my mom? Once she goes, I'm all alone. I'm surrounded by people (family and friends) but at the same time I am all alone. I don't have a brother or sister to lean on or share my thoughts with on this.
If I cry, I cry alone. After my experience with my father, I learned to suppress my feeling for fear of upsetting those around me. Everyone is telling me, you have to be strong for your mom and for Avery and David (her husband). But, I can't be. I'm sad. I'm angry. I WANT to cry. I want to be angry and be pissed off. This is unfair. I know I may sound like a selfish brat but I want someone to hold me and tell me it's going to be OK. The one person who used to do that was my mom and I can't go to her.... I have to continue with the facade of "You're going to be fine and we're going to beat this!!!" Problem is, I'm a glass empty kind of girl.
The diagnosis: Stage I esophageal cancer. It hasn't spread to the lymph nodes and the PET scan is clear of any other cancer. Best news is this tumor is completely operable. All good news right??? I wish I could stop thinking of the "what ifs." I don't want her to be sick. I don't want her to die. I'm not ready for that. Losing my father at a young age was enough. I'm full for now. Having tragedy strike the same family twice seems unnatural and against the odds.
I find solace in the fact that my dad was Stage IV Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma which is completely inoperable. My mom's Cancer is everything my dad's wasn't. As an only child, you can only depend on cousins, friends, husband, etc for so much. They don't understand--- even though they try so very hard.
Hopefully this blog will reach other only children that can relate. It would be nice to know I'm not alone. Right now, all I can do is take it one day at a time.
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