...I wait. ....and I wait. ....and I wait even more. I've started repeating mantras like "one day at a time" or "I can only do what I can do" or "be patient." None of them are helping my Type A, anxiety driven personality. I wake up every morning and the first thought is, "I hope she is better today." Then I make the phone call or go there to find out that no, she isn't any better today. The pain is gone, but there are lingering affects which are preventing her from healing... but more importantly they are preventing her from being her.
She doesn't much understand where everyone's concern comes from which strikes me as odd. My mom isn't just loved. Mom is worshipped by many. If there was ever a perfect mom, grandma, mother in law and probably wife, I'm sure my mom is a candidate for that. None of us can begin to comprehend how hard it's been for her to recover from treatment and surgery, but she can't seem to comprehend what is plaguing us. We worry and wait because we miss her. The person she was before the diagnosis.
We all continue to wait and hope that over time she will return to her full self. Today she is having more tests which will hopefully explain her continued nausea and vomiting. So, I sit here and I wait. I wait for the phone call to hear how she did and what the doctor has said. Once again, I'm sick and have been banned, for obvious reasons. It's hard to be here alone waiting but I'm sure it's worse sitting in a waiting room alone, where her husband is.
Sadly, I think that today my mom is expecting miracles to happen but I fear Dr. S isn't going to have the answers to her questions. My anxiety levels only continue to rise when I think about it. I fear she is never going to be the same. That she is never going to get better. That this is the life we're all going to have.
The best Christmas present I could hope for is her recovery to be speedy, that her tests today give her the definitive answers she's looking for and her mood changes on her own and not in a forced way to make the rest of us happy. I miss my mom but I'll wait as long as it takes and do whatever I can to make this all better for her. .....and I suspect that just means more waiting.
