Trojan Men

I know I'll take shit for this but I have to share the story of where the one liners began.  I promise to be gentle.  As we waited in yet another super long NKOTB line (all I ever do is fucking wait for these guys), Sporty moaned in agony and fought to stay awake.  We found some comfy couches and decided that there was no need to stand because there is assigned seating.  Clearly we were the only ones in on THAT secret since the line wrapped for miles.  Sporty decided to curl up in the fetal position behind a cheesy photo op backdrop with only her head peaking out.  Baby and I just chatted and took in the sights. WOW.  WOW.  WOW.  Ok, it is no secret that I have weight issues and I would never call anyone the "f" word IN MY LIFE but the thing is, some of these women are overweight to the point that it is EXTREMELY unhealthy.  That being said, ladies know your fucking limits.  If you are plus size fabulous, do not try and shop at Forever 21.  Please.  I admire and envy your self esteem but please, wear clothes that fit you.  Hypocritical coming from me? Yes.  I will wear a size 12 even though I'm a size 2 but I'm fucked up. What's your excuse? Anyway, I digress.....

Out of the corner of Sporty's eye, she notices a girl standing in line wearing one of the god awful free NKOTB Cruise 2012 backpacks that look good on, um, NO ONE and says, very matter of factly, "on anyone else that backpack would look like a suitcase." Baby and I lost all control.  Laughter erupted, tears were shed, urine leaked...  It wasn't even what she said but how she said it that made us fall over. From that moment on, Sporty became constant comic relief for the remainder of the cruise. Some of the more famous one liners:

Sporty: Shut up, I have heat stroke (this was how mostly every sentence ended)
Sporty: Fuck off _____
Sporty: I'm going to knock a bitch out.
Sporty: I can't fucking take these God Damn people. Jesus Christ
Sporty (to random people): Is there a problem? Do you have a problem?

Me: I am only allowed 20 minutes of exercise a day.
Sporty: ____, if I hear you say that one more time, I'll strangle you.

Obviously these are all inside jokes and only Baby and Sporty are laughing but I had to share.  I'm sure there are more but these were heard just about every hour or so.  Sporty's fabulous rating is a 10 which is why she is allowed to bunk with us but on top of that, she's our Earl, World of Useless and Jared all rolled into one. 

Finally the line begins to move and we entered into Danny's one man show followed by Joe's one man show.  Danny is amazing--- he's made for a genre that isn't pop.  His voice is incredible and when he sings acoustically, he sounds amazing.  He's sweet, funny and nice. A real person.  Side story to attest to Danny's incredibleness: Sporty and I stood in line for hours for a CD signing in Boston for The Block.  It would be her first time ever meeting them and my first encounter with them since I was 18.  When I saw Donnie and all his glory, all I could say was, "Donnie, I'm 14 weeks pregnant and got up at 4 am to get here to see you.  I love you so much." Yup.  I'm an idiot.  Danny, who was sitting right next to Donnie, looked at me and said, "Oh wow.  How is your pregnancy going?  Are you feeling ok?  Thank you so much for coming out." Really?  How gentlemanly!!!!!  Considering I had just hugged Donnie it's a miracle that I remembered. 

Joe came out next and well....  I hope he's taking his Prozac too.  Fuck, that boy has some issues.  We would get along as buddies swimmingly.  I had no idea what kind of fucked up he was but holy shit, wow.  He's literally as crazy as I am but arguably in a better place.  No thanks to the other 4 guys that emotionally abused him as a teenager.  Damn New Kids.  But Joe did what he does best--- sing and say fuck.  The show was raw and intense and impossible to forget.  He opened up to the audience and was so comfortable with all of us.  There were tears and jokes and most of all Broadway songs.  He will do a one man show on Broadway one day.  He's an amazing storyteller and I feel lucky to have seen it live.  Not to mention his voice.  That voice!  I adore him and now that I know he's an emotional wreck, I love him that much more.  We were all lucky that night---- it was raining pretty hard so he stayed on stage MUCH longer than we anticipated.  This was one of those moments that reminds me why I do this cruise every year.

The real show was about to go down on the lido deck.  Oh yeah.  We did it last year and by popular demand, we did it again.  The foam finger was back in action bitches.  Yup.  Three morons with foam fingers.  If you watch any videos or see any pictures, you'll see three hands swaying in perfect sync. Laugh all you will but that finger got me on a couch with Donnie.  Most importantly, this year we were recognized because of the finger.  Sure, you can walk around with your "insert Wood here" panties or "I wanna fuck Donnie" t-shirt, but to really gain attention, you carry around a foam finger and make a complete fool of yourself. 

Since we were all in our jammies, we waited with baited breath to see what the guys would be wearing.  They showed up in satin Hugh Hefner like pj's with matching robes. *sigh* I don't know....  I got lost somewhere around Donnie being on a platform with the wind blowing his flowing purple satin pajama bottoms making the sight oh so perfect. For the record, he doesn't wear underwear....  except under a toga.  I think there was music.  I know there was a crowd. Maybe even the other 4 guys.  Who knows? Who the fuck cares? Donnie's pajama pants were blowing in the wind.  I watched nothing else for 2 hours. And then suddenly, after a break.....  The horns sounded.

Two of the Greek Trojan Gods who lead this Nation, this Block Nation, emerged from the back of the boat.  They returned in their togas, fully protected (fuckers) and began to announce their members: Condomus, Anus, Taintus, Orgasmus and Climaximus.  I really can't do it justice.  Just watch this:

Yet, another memory that reminds me why I go on this cruise every year.  These guys are fucking hilarious.  Not long after, these three pretty ladies decided to call it a night because tomorrow was a BIG day.  Not only was it Meet and Greet Photo Op Day but hell, tomorrow night was the muthafucking back rub.  A girl needs to prepare for that!!!!!  We ended the night after some fancy late dining pizza around 4 am.

We awoke the next morning with butterflies in our stomachs.  This was it!!!  I was getting my one on one time with Donnie.  The girls and I made ourselves pretty and ran down to the lounge.  I think I've seen happier faces at a funeral.  Wow, it was bad.  Not one girl came out of the M&G looking happy at all.  This wasn't going to be good.  Some douchebag in a yellow rose tours T-Shirt was screaming rules: WALK IN! STAND NEXT TO ANY GUY! SMILE ON THE COUNT OF 1-2-3! LEAVE! DO NOT WORRY ABOUT STANDING NEXT TO YOUR FAVORITE NEW KID! JUST GET IN AND GET OUT! But was this guy alright? Um, do you know these girls will kill you?  A: don't talk to human beings like that (even if some of these girls deserve it) and B: don't think you're cool because you know the guys. GET OVER YOURSELF, DUDE.  I understand that they wanted the process to move quickly and efficiently.  I get it. The line may have been long but we moved fast.  Luckily, our group of 10 was one of the last of Group A to get in to see the guys.  By this time, everyone had calmed the fuck down. 

I will admit, my moment was fast but I beelined it to Donnie and got my little arms around him.  By cruise three we have perfected our group of 10 with awesome girls.  It's very well balanced that each New Kid had 2 fans.  My Donnie counterpart was very sweet and which made it easy for the two of us to each get a hug/kiss.  I was more nervous than usual because I had something I needed to say to Donnie.  It was more intimidating than usual because he wasn't hiding behind sunglasses (no doubt after numerous survey complaints) so when I talked to him, he was looking me in the eye.  Phew!  that was a moment.  I made my counterpart cry and I welled up too.  It was my moment.  No, I don't have any pictures this year and I don't have any autographs but I had that moment. That 60 second moment which ended in a huge hug and kiss.  Yup.  I was good. Being called "baby" by the ever so suave Joey Mac doesn't hurt either.....

Ok, so now what?  Eat, bingo, nap.  That summed up the day. We needed to recover from yesterday's sun-tragedy before gearing up for 90's Night. Much needed to be done in a short time to transform ourselves into: THE SPICE GIRLS

                     TO BE CONTINUED

Heat Stroke

Being early cruisers did have one minor setback - our room wouldn't be ready for HOURS.  Yes, that's right, HOURS.  So, what's a girl to do? ....eat?  Hmmm.  Ok.  This is dicey.  Two important factors come into play: eating is not what I do and I wasn't ready to face the rest of the cruisers.  I was just enjoying alone time with Sporty and Baby.  But, given that we were living on the sun, the only way I could keep cool was to be in the buffet so off we went.  After 20 minutes on the main buffet floor, I had already had my fill of screaming crazy girls with offensive costumes/t-shirts/hats which were designed especially for this occasion.  I shouted out my ONLY good idea over the 5 days and said, "Um, let's go upstairs." Sporty, who also is not a fan of people, was quick to second.  We booked it upstairs and began to lounge and revel in the semi-quiet area.  I guess some other girls soon followed but given that I don't remember them, they must have been quiet and acted normal, which is a good thing.

Baby and I ate lunch while Sporty took in as much time on her iPhone as she could before Internet service was lost.  As usual, this princess wasn't happy. Oh no, not me.  No, I had to be an asshole.  I had to complain about how cold I was.  Yup.  Couldn't just sit comfortably at the table and be happy I was on the boat. Instead, I had to pitch a fit about the A/C vent I was sitting under.  In order to shut my yappy mouth, we all moved to another table.  You may ask, why is she going on about this?  Well, here's why no sooner do we move but an entourage of big big big men and Earl, a wall in and of himself, make their way upstairs while hiding three important men: Danny, Jordan and Donnie. And where do they sit? Right next to the table we were fucking sit at until I opened my big, fat, mouth.  To add insult to injury, my back was turned to them so I had to live most of the moments through commentary from Baby.

When I saw Donnie, I tried to be stealth and whipped out my iPhone ready for a photo op, but given the "OH MY GOD" I screamed was actually out loud and NOT just in my head, Earl gave me the "girl, you need to put that phone shit away NOW" look. Damn. In my defense, I didn't realize Donnie was about to sit and eat.  I thought he was just passing through..... I would never bother him when he's eating. Especially now that I've seen them eat.  If I did bother them, I may have been eaten alive. Damn, these guys can eat.  Fortunately, in addition to my NKOTB important people radar skill, I can also listen in on people's private conversations and pick up on them very well.  I wish I could say that I'm a better person and I didn't listen, but I did.  I heard their conversations. I couldn't tell you now what they were talking about specifically but weirdly enough, this felt normal.  Normal that my pretend boyfriend was sitting only inches from me.  After a few minutes, the excitement butterflies died down a little and I just enjoyed being in the same air with them.  There is very little doubt that the guys didn't recognize our faces.  It was a "shared moment" and the details remain fresh in my memory. Soon, the remaining New Kids followed.  The girls and I refer to this time as "New Kid Jail." Once you were there, it was pretty much understood that you couldn't leave for fear the word might spread on their current location. No Facebook. No Twitter.  Nothing.

After what seemed like a very long meal, the guys left.  No doubt to nap because, shit, that's what I would do after a meal like that. Once released, we checked out our room only to find that most of the bags arrived (earlier than expected) and our room was ready.  At this point, the only thing left to do was decorate our door.  This year's creative theme: Fifty Shades of NKOTB. We liked it.  Our door was posted with witty cartoons ("I still fantasize about marrying Donnie Wahlberg") and pictures of us and various New Kids. Sadly, we didn't win the contest but that wasn't the only trick up our sleeves... oh no.  There's more.

Ok- so I know that the drill for drowning is mandatory but Sporty and I disagree.  She and I saw Titanic-- the goal is to get on the life boat.  Got it.  We all hid on our extended balcony and missed the drill.  We "couldn't hear it" so we couldn't go.  As sad as that may seem, it all worked out in the end because since we missed the drill, we got prime standing for the sail away party.  Phew! All of the anticipation from August truly builds up to this moment-- the first time we see the guys.  Sure, we all had lunch but there is a difference.  Seeing them in the hot sun shining glory and DJ Cheapshot at Ye Olde DJ Booth, is a whole different experience.  After some partying and rum cocktails ("Officially the Best Day Ever"), they emerged and although the official cruise song is "Live It Up!" for the rest of the Spice Girls and myself, it's the Party Rock Anthem.  It was magical-- we laughed and danced and screamed (ok, that was just me because dammit I can't help myself--- especially when the shirt comes off).  This momentous occasion was topped off by Baby getting a picture with her favorite New Kid, Jon.  For fuck's sake-- thank God.  This has not just been three years in the making but DECADES.  I may have nudged ....or shoved her, but she got it.   Not only did she get the picture but on her first try-- it came out awesome.  Clearly, I think it should be made into a poster or mounted on canvas, but she's more low key about it than I am.

First night's theme was Red Carpet Affair where we were dressed in our finest cruise red carpet attire complete with sparkly foam crowns.  We take this shit seriously. Off we were to NKOTB Hollywood Squares.  Out seats were Row A and although there were three rows before us, we still count it as the first row because A is the first letter in OUR alphabet....  Just not NKOTB's. We were excited. ...that is until Timmy.  Yes, Timmy.  Timmy showed up to our row double fisted and DRUNK.  Not fun, playful drunk but obnoxious--woohoo--squealing drunk.  This made me very UNHAPPY.  As luck would have it, the girl who was seated next to Sporty, didn't show up for any of the shows so I happily stole her seat. So here is my shout out and thank you to the missing New Kid fan for giving her seat to me.

My favorite part of the cruise is always these game shows.  It allows the guys to show their personality (or lackthereof). The game show was hosted by a shirtless Donnie Wahlberg. Hmmm.... I think that sums it up.  Yeah.  Oh, and drunk Jon made his appearance (along with Drunk Donnie-- who made more appearances than usual). The second show is always filled with swearing (does Joe know another word besides fuck?) and dirty-ness.  I love it.  We made it to the lido deck but made only a brief appearance.  The day's festivities wore out these spices and as much as I love watching drunk Jon and shirtless Donnie, we called it an early night somewhere around 2:30 am. We were back in our cabin to watch NKTV on a continuous loop for the next 4.5 days.

We woke up only to find we were anchored away in the Bahamas and ready to be sent to the island of Half Moon Cay to get "Shipfaced."  Yes, friends-- it was concert time! ...maybe.  So, I have never been a fan of getting off the boat-- for any reason, and this year I realized that even a half naked Donnie isn't even worth getting off a boat.  My first cruise, I didn't get off the boat and never regretted it.  Since then, well, I've gone astray from that philosophy and it NEVER TURNS OUT GOOD.  So we may have been able to get on the island earlier than in the past but what this actually meant was we could sit in the ocean EVEN LONGER to wait for our boys arrival. Now, because we were apparently on the equator somewhere, the heat was oppressive.  Sure, floating around in the crystal clear ocean may sound awesome on any given day, through in 150 degrees of heat and it sucks. Really sucks.  Baby had applied SPF 100 and Sporty, well, she went through a whole pre-tan ritual complete with the essential oil of the platypus, to get her brown sugar tan.  Me- I just applied what ever shit I could every 15 seconds because I didn't want to burn. I did though. And so did Baby, as usual.  But then the impossible happened.  Sporty burned.  Yes, it's true-- she burned.  I know what you guys are saying, "that's completely impossible!!!!" but no, it happened.  Shocking.  In the eons I've known her, she has NEVER burned.  I actually thought it was physically impossible but hey, if Snooki is able to procreate then Sporty is able to burn.  What a world!

How was the concert you asked?  I couldn't tell you. Listen, I love watching the guys sing--- it's my happy place but after twenty minutes, I could hear Donnie changing the lyrics to Tonight by singing "la la la la la la heat stroke. la la la la la la sun burn" and the concert was over.  Guys, seriously, ENOUGH WITH THE ISLAND CONCERT. It sucks for them.  Sucks for us.  Girls pass out and die (sort of).  STOP THE INSANITY. We abandoned the hot molten lava for a cooler, happier place--- also known as the mid ship bar--- for pina coladas.  We ran into a friend of ours who left the island early and cooled off with these fun fruit smoothies. I'm sure we (Sporty and I)  napped afterwards because the sun sucked the life out of us.  Thank God that night was Up Close and Cuddly and we could party in our pajamas-- that is if we could lift our arms and change.   I think this was the night Sporty went delirious..... One liners were born because we learned EVERYTHING is funnier in the heat.
                          TO BE CONTINUED

Sailing... Takes Me Away....

Another blogger has inspired me to do what I swore I wouldn't do....  Write about NKOTB Cruise 2012.  If the title looked intriguing enough for you to get this far, great but before you go on, let this serve as a fair warning that what you are about to read is completely about the ongoing relationship on I have with Donnie (and if you have to ask Donnie who, please stop right now) and 4 other guys.

They said it couldn't be done.  They said it would never last.  They said I'd get bored.  Well they were wrong.  It all started on a hot August day back in 2011.  I formed NKOTB Cruise HQ at my house and with several computers, an iPad, a blackberry and an iPhone my fellow cruiser, Baby Spice (...I'll get into that later), and I began our journey. Getting on this boat is no joke.  NO FUCKING JOKE. Being a Block Nation member (like I said, no joke), I was able to get on to buy a space for Baby Spice, Sporty Spice and myself, a whole hour earlier than the world.  It was intense.  I can't speak to the details because I am still putting the broken pieces of that experience together but it ended in a champagne toast.  It all worked out in the end but keep in mind there was a cruiser wait list that was longer than one of my Santa Christmas lists.

Days, weeks, months passed by.....  until finally June hit.  Sporty and I hopped on a jet plane and set off for Miami to what has become a pre-cruise ritual.  We spent an amazing day lounging by the pool in a private cabana (for free) thanks to some maneuvering by Sporty and I.  How does one describe Miami heat?  Well, I think Dorothy Zbornak said it best, "the heat in Miami is like August in Calcutta." Holy fuck.  It was hot.  I'm not going to lie-- I enjoyed swimming in the heated pool but mostly because I needed to sit on an ice cube to keep cool when I wasn't in water.  Note to NKOTB: DON'T EVER CRUISE IN JUNE AGAIN. After a great evening of drinks and appetizers with local friends, I had my first New Kid sighting at the hotel.  As I walked through the bar and restaurant of our hot spot, I saw Jordan. Right there. Boom! But, I kept my calm and after our earlier attempts to send one of the Jareds a drink by the pool, I was rather an annoyed BH. I moved on to our next spot... STK.  Couldn't tell you much since I have no recollection of that dinner but Baby and Sporty assure me it was yummy.  Yeah, well so were the hot pink Barbie cocktails we had.... or I had... or we all had... not sure. I do not recall the exact conversation we had with the cab driver on our way back to the hotel, but I do recall a great deal of laughter. Someday, I hope to piece that night together.

Once snuggled in the bed with Sporty, my teeny little head was filled with visions of New Kids dancing in togas in my head and I was preparing for the next day's adventure.

I won't bore you with the morning details but as we walked out through the hotel lobby, we saw lots of important people.  Well, important people in my eyes. You could say I've honed this skill over the years but never doubt the finely tuned radar of a BH.  We know a roadie, girlfriend, nanny, manager, etc when we see one.  Or dog.  Yeah, I swear I saw Donnie's dog in the hotel lobby. Why is this important?  Because it means Donnie and I slept together--- if he and I were both sleeping in the same hotel, that's a true statement. Try to disprove that theory.

Last year I tried to jump in a van with these people but Baby and Sporty stopped me.  I tried again this year too but neither girl thought it was a good idea.  Or they weren't paying attention to me...  I know after about 10 minutes of my nonsensical jbber-jabber, Sporty Spice tunes me out.  After years of friendship, it's definitely an automatic reflex for her sanity. Excitement was building while we sat in a puddle of our sweat in the back of the cab on our way to the Port of Miami.  We were ready to board the Carnival Destiny for Round 3 (...2 for Sporty).  The difference this year? Well, two things.  First, Sporty had an "in" and second, I had a video camera.  That's right bitches, this shit was documented....  As I type, Baby Spice is fervently editing our expedition on the high seas.

We arrived on scene only to find thousands of... um.... fans.  The percentage of crazy was higher this year and I attribute that to first time cruisers who lacked cruise etiquette but wow, if half of what I SAW was real, then I realistically shouldn't set foot on a boat with this guys again but I keep telling myself I was hallucinating from the heat. Thankfully, Sporty's contact got us on the boat FAST.  I don't think it took 20 minutes from stepping out of the cab to stepping on the boat.  It was amazing.  Literally, Sporty was the FIRST cruiser on the boat.  It's on video so it's true. We even missed the "I'm getting on the boat so let me take a picture with my friends in front of this cheesy backdrop" because it wasn't set up yet.

As the door opens..... the magic begins.  There is only one way to describe the feeling, at least for me.  When I walk on and see the signs and cardboard cut outs of the guys or hear the music playing, all I can think is, this is exactly how Charlie must have felt when Willie Wonka opened the little tiny door to enter his chocolate factory.  My face had WOW all over it.  And suddenly, I was 14 all over again.  Just like that.

                  TO BE CONTINUED.........