Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Request
I have some "open" followers but I also have "anonymous" follwers. If you are one of my follwers and are anonymous, can you at least let ME know you're reading along? It would mean a great deal.
Hurry Up and Wait.
It's been over a month since my last entry and I'm still waiting.... Still waiting for mom's recovery. Still waiting by the phone while she undergoes ANOTHER surgery. Although, I will admit there have been great strides in the last month, it hasn't been without difficulty. The illness and recovery finally took it's toll on all of us both mentally and physically, but only to be in a better place. Today mom is undergoing another surgery/procedure to hopefully get her off the feeding tube once and for all. Although she has lost an unimaginable amount of weight, she still looks great. She doesn't believe me of course, but I have seen her look worse--- MUCH worse. After my father died I never thought she'd be the same but she was and now I can only hope this turns out the same way.
Today's procedure isn't as invasive as her first surgery yet I still have knots in my stomach to the point of nausea. I'll never be able to manage my anxiety under these circumstances and the reason is simple. Recently, a friend has been able to pinpoint why: Once you lose a parent, you hold onto the other one for dear life. It's true and it's an only child thing. I don't have many friend, in my age group, who have lost a parent. Thankfully, there are few of us. Interestingly, the friends with siblings, don't feel this same struggle. My husband isn't really the best example, but he lost his mother several years ago to Cancer and although he may try, he cannot empathize even an iota of what I feel. I've said before there is a special bond as an only child with a parent, especially when that parent is the mom.
Everywhere I turn in my house, there is a reminder of my father. Whether it's a picture or even something that just brings back fond memories of him, I have it. It's amazing what you hold on to for a connection. I have random items (ie, the last Father's Day present I gave him (a Goofy doll), New York Yankees World Series programs from 76-81.... but the most inane was a piece of fabric from his recliner. I have since given my mom permission to discard). I'm not ever going to say my relationship with him was perfect or that he was perfect, but what I choose to remember and hold on to, is.
I go to great lengths to explain to my two year old as many things as I can about her grandpa... even though she has no idea who I am talking about yet. I don't want to have to do the same thing with her about my mom. I want my mom here to see her grow up. I'm realistic and know she may not be here when my daughter gets married or possibly graduates from college, but by then she will have memories she can hold on to without me telling her what "gamma" was like.
As independent as I claim to be, I'm not. Sure, financially I am but emotionally I'm not. I am completely dependent on my mother. Her mood affects my mood. And I know that's true for her too. When I'm upset, she doesn't sleep for days. But, no matter how much I can get frustrated at times (typical mother-daughter fashion), she is still the first person I want to talk to everyday. it's cliche in some respects but she is my best friend. She has taught me that if I want the same type of relationship with my daughter, it will be my job to foster that. I believe I am off to a good start.
Mom hates it when I tell her I worship her, but I do. I was lucky to have her as a role model for a mom because over the years, I've seen many shitty moms. My mom is one of a kind. She's the mom that every kid deserves to have and even though I'm not a kid anymore, I'm still her kid and I still need her. Some may think this too is unhealthy but fuck 'em. I don't really care.
I'm still waiting for a call that she is out of surgery.... and about 1.5 klonipin later, I'm feeling OK. Relaxed a bit but still on edge. Everytime the phone rings, I jump.... until I see the caller ID and realize that I could give a shit who's on the other line. I am focused on one call today.. I hate to say she's all I have but in a way she is. I may have a beautiful daughter, an amazing husband and great friends but none of them are my mom. So I'm going to continue to hold on tight--- even if it means I can't breathe.
Today's procedure isn't as invasive as her first surgery yet I still have knots in my stomach to the point of nausea. I'll never be able to manage my anxiety under these circumstances and the reason is simple. Recently, a friend has been able to pinpoint why: Once you lose a parent, you hold onto the other one for dear life. It's true and it's an only child thing. I don't have many friend, in my age group, who have lost a parent. Thankfully, there are few of us. Interestingly, the friends with siblings, don't feel this same struggle. My husband isn't really the best example, but he lost his mother several years ago to Cancer and although he may try, he cannot empathize even an iota of what I feel. I've said before there is a special bond as an only child with a parent, especially when that parent is the mom.
Everywhere I turn in my house, there is a reminder of my father. Whether it's a picture or even something that just brings back fond memories of him, I have it. It's amazing what you hold on to for a connection. I have random items (ie, the last Father's Day present I gave him (a Goofy doll), New York Yankees World Series programs from 76-81.... but the most inane was a piece of fabric from his recliner. I have since given my mom permission to discard). I'm not ever going to say my relationship with him was perfect or that he was perfect, but what I choose to remember and hold on to, is.
I go to great lengths to explain to my two year old as many things as I can about her grandpa... even though she has no idea who I am talking about yet. I don't want to have to do the same thing with her about my mom. I want my mom here to see her grow up. I'm realistic and know she may not be here when my daughter gets married or possibly graduates from college, but by then she will have memories she can hold on to without me telling her what "gamma" was like.
As independent as I claim to be, I'm not. Sure, financially I am but emotionally I'm not. I am completely dependent on my mother. Her mood affects my mood. And I know that's true for her too. When I'm upset, she doesn't sleep for days. But, no matter how much I can get frustrated at times (typical mother-daughter fashion), she is still the first person I want to talk to everyday. it's cliche in some respects but she is my best friend. She has taught me that if I want the same type of relationship with my daughter, it will be my job to foster that. I believe I am off to a good start.
Mom hates it when I tell her I worship her, but I do. I was lucky to have her as a role model for a mom because over the years, I've seen many shitty moms. My mom is one of a kind. She's the mom that every kid deserves to have and even though I'm not a kid anymore, I'm still her kid and I still need her. Some may think this too is unhealthy but fuck 'em. I don't really care.
I'm still waiting for a call that she is out of surgery.... and about 1.5 klonipin later, I'm feeling OK. Relaxed a bit but still on edge. Everytime the phone rings, I jump.... until I see the caller ID and realize that I could give a shit who's on the other line. I am focused on one call today.. I hate to say she's all I have but in a way she is. I may have a beautiful daughter, an amazing husband and great friends but none of them are my mom. So I'm going to continue to hold on tight--- even if it means I can't breathe.
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