It's been 14 long years since I lost my dad. His anniversary was recently and it seems that it's getting harder and harder. Most likely it has to do with the fact that he's missed out on so much and I feel like he's been gone as long as he was my dad. We aren't quite there yet, but soon. The list of important moments which have passed without his presence goes on: college graduation, graduate school graduation, my wedding, the birth of my child and so on....
I have only recently embraced my mom's husband as my stepfather. He's an amazing man who has NEVER tried to take the place of my father but there have been moments where I've caught myself calling him "dad" by accident. (Calling Dr. Freud, calling Dr. Freud......). My time in the "hospital" has helped me come to this point. It would be a lie to say that I'm at 100% with this but I'm working on it. It's part selfish brat, part loyalty/respect for my dad. I'm not sure when it switched but I can say, there was no one, including my godfather, that I would have wanted to walk me down the aisle but him. In the last year, with mom being sick, our bond has deepened. We were each other's rock.... at least he was mine.
I still have a difficult time keeping a boundary now and as I get older, I don't know if I need this boundary. I can love my dad and still love my stepfather, although it will never be the same love. I think that's what my mom has been trying to explain to me for years. I've come quite a ways--- through radical acceptance.
A dear friend of mine lost her dad 3 days after I lost mine, hers was more sudden and unexpected but she has been able to give me great guidance on how to explain my dad to my daughter as if he's still here. She's been told she has a special guardian angel watching over her--- and me. My friend wrote a tribute to her dad this year which inspired me to do something similar. Of course I have more than 22 memories, but 22 represents the number of years he was physically present in my life as my dad. So, if you will indulge me:
22 MEMORIES
1. Frequent trips to the local zoo to see the animals and ride the carousel, just the two of us.
2. Sitting in my room on a hot summer's night and him coming in and asking if I'd like to go and see "Annie." I remember this moment so clearly too.... I was inside playing with my Barbies and the Barbie Dream pool.
3. The look on his face the day I received my acceptance letter from Boston University. There was a look of pure joy. He was so proud of me.... When he went to hug me he picked me up off the ground-- which was so uncharacteristic of him
4. Hot summer nights watching the Yankee game with him in the living room because it had an air conditioner. My mom would put together a makeshift bed and I would try to stay awake to watch the game with him. I can still remember the yellow Minnie Mouse nightgown I wore.
5. One year for Halloween, he dressed up as his favorite New York Yankee, Mr. October, Number 44, Reggie Jackson.
6. For as long as I can remember his cards were addressed to "Little '44'", and signed "Love Daddy, Big '44'"
7. The passion and love he had for his job as well as the people he helped.
8. Not all memories can be good, obviously but they still shape the person you are. I still remember what he said to me the day he told me he was terminal. I'll cherish those words forever and I will never forget that it was the first time I ever saw him cry.
9. Although I didn't understand it at the time, he always left mid-way through Thanksgiving dinner to "throw out the trash." It wasn't until the first Thanksgiving he was gone that I realized what that code was for.
10. Some of his favorite things were simple pleasures which reminded him of being a kid --- Christmas, Disney World, the Muppets and chocolate cabinets.
11. How he'd joke he was going to claim my best friend on his taxes from being at my house so much. She later went on to give his eulogy and is still in my life today. I love her unconditionally and so did he.
12. In the last remaining weeks of his life, I came home from college to spend time with him. At this point he was confined to the bedroom. He spent day in and day out sitting in his over sized navy blue recliner watching TV. I would just sit there, by his side, holding his hand.
13. His LOVE of Jack Nicholson. My father found humor in him even in the most serious of roles. There was just "something" about Jack that made him laugh. He had a great laugh too--- unlike anyone else's I have ever heard.
14. I remember watching TV shows like Vegas, Hart to Hart, Magnum PI and re-reruns of Hawaii 5-0. My mom would be at work and he'd keep me up, at 6 or 7 years old to watch cop shows with him. As soon as he saw the headlights of my mom's car, he sent me right up stairs.
15. When I was 7 years old, I got the chicken pox. I missed the last week of second grade. Not a big loss but at the time I was devastated. When he came home from work the day they started, he brought me a stuffed yellow and white unicorn. I have that unicorn to this day. Ironically, dad ended up catching the chicken pox from me....
16. Father/Daughter dances were the highlight of the school year for both my dad and me. After every dance, we ended up either at Friendly's or a local restaurant. My dad would be dressed in a beautiful suit and would give me a bouquet of roses a flower girl would carry in a wedding. Those pictures, from all 8 dances are still prominently displayed in my home.
17. My first trip to Yankee stadium with him. A moment like that remains eternally priceless.
18. His cologne. If I try hard enough, I can still remember the smell.
19. Sitting on the steps of the porch at our old house during the summer. Most of those moments were silent-- given the nature of who he was--- but I look back on those moments as tiny treasures which would learn to cherish years later.
20. At Christmas, my cousins and I were stuck at the kid table... In the kitchen. Not a whole lot of fun but, my dad would come and hang out with us at the kid table. At the time, I thought he was doing it because he was the cool dad and felt bad that we were ostracized..... Again, years later I realized the truth behind this.
21. Every sentence to me usually started with, "Kid...."
22. His last days. I was the last person he saw before he went into a coma. Although it didn't last long, it felt as though it was an eternity. I can still remember the moment he died, family by the bedside. I was lying there, on the bed with him, my head on his shoulder and an arm wrapped around him in a semi-hug as he took his last breath.
He may be gone now but he has left me with not only powerful words of wisdom but traditions I can carry on forever. For each year he's been gone, there's been a lesson I've learned whether about myself as a person, or about the person he wanted me to become.
14 LEGACIES
1. The diamond necklace from him that I wear daily. I received this necklace when I graduated from law school, 4 years after his death.
2. "Keep Your Friends Close, and your Enemies Closer."
3. Respect, Loyalty and Family-- that's what it means to be Italian
4. "Keep Your Nose Clean"
5. The St. Michael medal he wore around his neck until the day he died. It's been passed on to me and someday, it will be passed on to my daughter.
6. "Keep Your Mouth Closed, and Your Ears Open"
7. It's not important to get mad, or get even but to get revenge-- spoken like a true Sicilian
8. When I'm driving, I'm always in the right
9. Not to take life for granted-- especially time. No matter how much money you have, you can't take it with you so live each day as though it were your last.
10. Be true to who you are and where you came from
11. It doesn't take a college diploma to make you a success in your life if you are doing what you love
12. As his daughter, I learned what is possible and expected from my husband to be an amazing dad to our daughter
13. The driveway goes one way, once you go down, you don't come back
14. He will always be with me, wherever I go, in my heart.
When I look at my little girl, and I'm sad to think he isn't here to see her, I hope I can remember all these things. I look forward to the day when I can tell her all about him and she'll be able to understand what an amazing person her "Gampa" truly was.......
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
Cruise 2011: Day 4 (Red Carpet Night)
Sadly, it's our last full day on the boat but what a day it was going to be.....
It was almost here-- the one guaranteed photo op with all five of the guys. It's pretty much the culmination for most of the fans (unless you stalk them, which we don't) because it's the only picture you can truly count on with your man. Luckily I had a shared moment on a white leather sofa with Donnie but barring that, I never ran into him on the ship. This year we were able to form our group of 10 girls for the photo because we had made friends from the previous cruise. The best part-- I was the only Donnie girl. That NEVER happens. I usually have to fight for a spot near him but not this year. He was ALL MINE. Yum.
The group photo went quickly but I left satisfied. I got a huge bear hug from Donnie and a kiss. I even left a lip gloss print on his check which I so carefully rubbed off. I tried not to think of how many other kisses he received there... I needed to hold on to my moment. We were able to hug all the guys and they were so sweet, as usual. But, after 3 minutes, it's all over until we receive an email notifying us the picture is up and we can relive that moment all over again. Now this was over, I had some real business to take care of.... It was time to line up for D-Dub's Back Rub.
Lines. Lines. Lines and more lines. If I was asked to describe my experience as a New Kids fan I would say, "It requires a great deal of patience because you stand in line alot." To date, I've stood in line outside in Boston in January in the middle of the night, I've stood in line in Boston in the humidity 14 weeks pregnant, I've stood in line for various meet and greets, photo opportunities and finally in line for 6 hours for the Back Rub. It was a total cluster fuck. No one knew where the wait or what time to line up. Ugh, stress. Finally some woman from the cruise came out with green wristbands. I pushed and shoved to get one. Was it worth it? yes, and let me tell you why....
Here's the thing, I can't describe the back rub. There are no words. You need to live it or hear it or see it. There is just no way to put into words what you experience. Simply put it's Donnie on stage talking semi dirty while massaging various lucky girls.... Sounds silly. People mock it--- but you come out a changed woman. Donnie would always take it so far without crossing the line. Well, that was LAST year. This year it was pornographic. Dirty. Hot. Sexy. Did I say pornographic???? I was mesmerized and the fantasy of Donnie is probably better than the real thing, which is fine. I watched him choose girls from the audience and feed them chocolate covered strawberries and champagne while saying amazingly sexual things. I totally blacked out for a minute, I'm sure of it.
At one point, he brought a girl on stage and poured whipped cream into her mouth only to lick the excess off her chin. Yup. Hot. Just hot. At that point, Donnie takes a fresh can of whipped cream and says, "Ladies, close your eyes. If you feel near you, open your mouth." As he walked through the crowd, he saw girls peaking and told them they lucked out. My eyes were closed so tight, I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to open them again. Just then, I felt a presence of someone in front of me, then his fingers on my lips.... so, I did what I was told ad opened my mouth only to have him pour whipped cream into my mouth...... *ugh.* There was some excess whipped cream on my chin too--- now, because my eyes were closed I don't know if he used his fingers or his tongue to remove it. I wish I could write about the rest of the show, but I don't know what happened. By this point, I was in my own world. My own place. My own fantasy. Next I knew, the lights were up and GF#2 said, "are you ok? Its time to go."
Off we went to get dressed for Red Carpet night, our last night on the cruise. Our last night to party on the Lido Deck. We saw an amazing acoustic show with Danny Wood then listened to Joe McIntyre belt out Broadway tunes. FYI, Joe is hilarious. He's hilarious when he's drunk, when he's sober, whenever. He entertains a crowd and draws the women in like Donnie does but in a whole different way. I think he may be my #2 favorite--- if I had to choose.
After the shows, I ran to the casino so I could watch Donnie play poker. Yup. Sounds just as exciting as watching gold. Actually, golf may be a tad more exciting. Wow. It was hot and boring. But, there was some humorous commentary by Joe which created a bit more enjoyment but overall, I stood there in 5 inch heels and a cocktail dress to watch Donnie. Last year he had a microphone and was funny. This year, there was no microphone. Just a bullhorn so there was nothing to really hear. Being a true Donnie girl, it's really all about seeing him--- he doesn't have to say a thing.
Rumor had it there was a torrential downpour out on the Lido Deck but thankfully it stopped by the time we were out there. It was our last chance to party. GF #2 and I grabbed GF#1 and we partied until we couldn't anymore. We watched our boys in tuxedos dance, sing and tell us they love us. Unless you've been on the cruise, you don't understand what this truly means to be there. It's such an intimate environment that you walk off that boat and feel like you've really gotten to know these guys. You partied with them.... it was one on one time. It was amazing.....
Can't wait until next year.
It was almost here-- the one guaranteed photo op with all five of the guys. It's pretty much the culmination for most of the fans (unless you stalk them, which we don't) because it's the only picture you can truly count on with your man. Luckily I had a shared moment on a white leather sofa with Donnie but barring that, I never ran into him on the ship. This year we were able to form our group of 10 girls for the photo because we had made friends from the previous cruise. The best part-- I was the only Donnie girl. That NEVER happens. I usually have to fight for a spot near him but not this year. He was ALL MINE. Yum.
The group photo went quickly but I left satisfied. I got a huge bear hug from Donnie and a kiss. I even left a lip gloss print on his check which I so carefully rubbed off. I tried not to think of how many other kisses he received there... I needed to hold on to my moment. We were able to hug all the guys and they were so sweet, as usual. But, after 3 minutes, it's all over until we receive an email notifying us the picture is up and we can relive that moment all over again. Now this was over, I had some real business to take care of.... It was time to line up for D-Dub's Back Rub.
Lines. Lines. Lines and more lines. If I was asked to describe my experience as a New Kids fan I would say, "It requires a great deal of patience because you stand in line alot." To date, I've stood in line outside in Boston in January in the middle of the night, I've stood in line in Boston in the humidity 14 weeks pregnant, I've stood in line for various meet and greets, photo opportunities and finally in line for 6 hours for the Back Rub. It was a total cluster fuck. No one knew where the wait or what time to line up. Ugh, stress. Finally some woman from the cruise came out with green wristbands. I pushed and shoved to get one. Was it worth it? yes, and let me tell you why....
Here's the thing, I can't describe the back rub. There are no words. You need to live it or hear it or see it. There is just no way to put into words what you experience. Simply put it's Donnie on stage talking semi dirty while massaging various lucky girls.... Sounds silly. People mock it--- but you come out a changed woman. Donnie would always take it so far without crossing the line. Well, that was LAST year. This year it was pornographic. Dirty. Hot. Sexy. Did I say pornographic???? I was mesmerized and the fantasy of Donnie is probably better than the real thing, which is fine. I watched him choose girls from the audience and feed them chocolate covered strawberries and champagne while saying amazingly sexual things. I totally blacked out for a minute, I'm sure of it.
At one point, he brought a girl on stage and poured whipped cream into her mouth only to lick the excess off her chin. Yup. Hot. Just hot. At that point, Donnie takes a fresh can of whipped cream and says, "Ladies, close your eyes. If you feel near you, open your mouth." As he walked through the crowd, he saw girls peaking and told them they lucked out. My eyes were closed so tight, I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to open them again. Just then, I felt a presence of someone in front of me, then his fingers on my lips.... so, I did what I was told ad opened my mouth only to have him pour whipped cream into my mouth...... *ugh.* There was some excess whipped cream on my chin too--- now, because my eyes were closed I don't know if he used his fingers or his tongue to remove it. I wish I could write about the rest of the show, but I don't know what happened. By this point, I was in my own world. My own place. My own fantasy. Next I knew, the lights were up and GF#2 said, "are you ok? Its time to go."
Off we went to get dressed for Red Carpet night, our last night on the cruise. Our last night to party on the Lido Deck. We saw an amazing acoustic show with Danny Wood then listened to Joe McIntyre belt out Broadway tunes. FYI, Joe is hilarious. He's hilarious when he's drunk, when he's sober, whenever. He entertains a crowd and draws the women in like Donnie does but in a whole different way. I think he may be my #2 favorite--- if I had to choose.
After the shows, I ran to the casino so I could watch Donnie play poker. Yup. Sounds just as exciting as watching gold. Actually, golf may be a tad more exciting. Wow. It was hot and boring. But, there was some humorous commentary by Joe which created a bit more enjoyment but overall, I stood there in 5 inch heels and a cocktail dress to watch Donnie. Last year he had a microphone and was funny. This year, there was no microphone. Just a bullhorn so there was nothing to really hear. Being a true Donnie girl, it's really all about seeing him--- he doesn't have to say a thing.
Rumor had it there was a torrential downpour out on the Lido Deck but thankfully it stopped by the time we were out there. It was our last chance to party. GF #2 and I grabbed GF#1 and we partied until we couldn't anymore. We watched our boys in tuxedos dance, sing and tell us they love us. Unless you've been on the cruise, you don't understand what this truly means to be there. It's such an intimate environment that you walk off that boat and feel like you've really gotten to know these guys. You partied with them.... it was one on one time. It was amazing.....
Can't wait until next year.
Cruise 2011: Day 3 (Pink Night)
This by far was one of the best days of the cruise because we actually didn't do anything. We slept in and went for breakfast at the buffet-- which was just about to close for lunch--- and relaxed. GF#1 wanted more time in the sun, per usual and GF#2 was taking scenic shots of Nassau. I guess we could have taken a journey off the boat but honestly, I was tired. I snuggled up on a chair by the quiet pool with my iPad when I heard some girls whispering, "Donnie is getting ice cream at the buffet." Just like Wonder Woman, I leaped up out of my seat and tried to get into the dining hall as quickly as possible. Sadly, the moment was lost. It was at this point when I ran into some friends who sadly had a crazy fan attached to them.
This pretty much sums it up: she slept with the DJ to try and sleep with one of the guys. In the course of the conversation she began to tell me what a man whore Donnie was and ruined my day. How dare you say something like that about him? who the fuck was this girl? Clearly a classless whore. I allowed it to consume me for about an hour and decided it was nap time. It was my only nap on the cruise but it was great.
We all started to get ready for pink night which was a fundraiser for breast cancer. You would think our energy would have been high but speaking for myself, I was getting tired. After dinner we ran up to the Lido deck to get ready to party. I was secure in the thought I was going to make this an early night-- especially since the next day was a big one. It was the Back Rub.... but more on that later. I was out on the deck and wouldn't you know, the battery on my camera died. FML. Now what??????
Here's an idea, why don't I just watch them and enjoy them? So I did. I put my camera away, and stood there watching Donnie stand on one of the B stages and soaked it in..... For the first time, in a long time, I enjoyed the moment. I watched him work the crowd in his salmon colored sweater vest and pink fedora..... I think there were 4 other guys there too but I can't be certain. That night they were inconsequential. Of all the nights on the boat, dancing on the Lido deck, this night in particular stands out for me. Maybe because I wasn't trying to get near him or to secure the perfect photo... I don't know. Everything came full circle for me that night. I was in awe of the crowds and his magic over all these women. It was sort of amazing.
The highlight of course was him coming through the crowd on the shoulders of one his bodyguards and he grabbed my hand (along with hundreds of others) but it was awesome. I have to say, his singing the words to "Tonight I'm Fucking You" by Enrique Inglesias was pretty hot too.... I enjoyed that moment and can remember it vividly. I would be remiss if I didn't mention the DJ.... and how TERRIBLE he was. I mean, horrendous. Not only was he constantly putting himself up on the LCD screen, every other song was about "bitches." I probably wouldn't have noticed it except for the fact that Donnie stopped the DJ and said, "there are no bitches on this ship." Let's just say, that's the last we saw of THAT DJ.
It was the end to another amazing day but we knew in the back of our minds that we only had one more night on the Lido Deck..... *sigh* Sometimes, I still wish I was on that Lido Deck. I'm thankful that I soaked up that night. I was on a pure high dancing in my sparkling Louboutins until the wee hours of the night.
This pretty much sums it up: she slept with the DJ to try and sleep with one of the guys. In the course of the conversation she began to tell me what a man whore Donnie was and ruined my day. How dare you say something like that about him? who the fuck was this girl? Clearly a classless whore. I allowed it to consume me for about an hour and decided it was nap time. It was my only nap on the cruise but it was great.
We all started to get ready for pink night which was a fundraiser for breast cancer. You would think our energy would have been high but speaking for myself, I was getting tired. After dinner we ran up to the Lido deck to get ready to party. I was secure in the thought I was going to make this an early night-- especially since the next day was a big one. It was the Back Rub.... but more on that later. I was out on the deck and wouldn't you know, the battery on my camera died. FML. Now what??????
Here's an idea, why don't I just watch them and enjoy them? So I did. I put my camera away, and stood there watching Donnie stand on one of the B stages and soaked it in..... For the first time, in a long time, I enjoyed the moment. I watched him work the crowd in his salmon colored sweater vest and pink fedora..... I think there were 4 other guys there too but I can't be certain. That night they were inconsequential. Of all the nights on the boat, dancing on the Lido deck, this night in particular stands out for me. Maybe because I wasn't trying to get near him or to secure the perfect photo... I don't know. Everything came full circle for me that night. I was in awe of the crowds and his magic over all these women. It was sort of amazing.
The highlight of course was him coming through the crowd on the shoulders of one his bodyguards and he grabbed my hand (along with hundreds of others) but it was awesome. I have to say, his singing the words to "Tonight I'm Fucking You" by Enrique Inglesias was pretty hot too.... I enjoyed that moment and can remember it vividly. I would be remiss if I didn't mention the DJ.... and how TERRIBLE he was. I mean, horrendous. Not only was he constantly putting himself up on the LCD screen, every other song was about "bitches." I probably wouldn't have noticed it except for the fact that Donnie stopped the DJ and said, "there are no bitches on this ship." Let's just say, that's the last we saw of THAT DJ.
It was the end to another amazing day but we knew in the back of our minds that we only had one more night on the Lido Deck..... *sigh* Sometimes, I still wish I was on that Lido Deck. I'm thankful that I soaked up that night. I was on a pure high dancing in my sparkling Louboutins until the wee hours of the night.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Cruise 2011: Day 2 (Pajamajam Party)
Before I begin this blog, let me say, this was one of the best days EVER :)
We woke up early the next morning and ate our continental breakfast out on the balcony. We were anchored in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean at Half Moon Cay. Today was concert day. I am the first to admit that when the itinerary came through and it said "Concert to be held on Half Moon Cay at 1:00 pm" I read it three times. Was it possible these ass clowns were going to perform in the mid-day sun, heat, and humidity? On an island? While we STOOD and watched? No fucking way. Couldn't be possible. Had to be a typo. It just had to. Who would be that masochistic to the fans they appear to adore so much? Sadly, it was true.
The three of us boarded the tender to Half Moon Cay equip with our foam fingers. Mine, blaring I heart Donnie. GF#1 couldn't decide so she hearted Joe on one side and Jordan on the other. GF#2 fully supported Jon as being her Number One. #2 insisted we do foam fingers while shopping for door decorating accoutrement at Michael's--- this would turn out later to be the best idea she's ever had in the 23 years I've known her. My best idea ever? Renting floaties for the day and watching the concert from the ocean. ...which we did. Foam fingers and all.
After cooking in the sun for HOURS we watched the concert. I was hoping Donnie would take his shirt off but remained satisfied with him, dressed all in white again, with his shirt unbuttoned. Happiness. The show was short--- I'm guessing half way through they also realized what a fucking stupid idea this was. After the performance, we hopped a tender excited to shower and get ready for pajama night. This was a big night for me and Donnie. It was the season finale of Blue Bloods and the Lido Deck was going to broadcast it live. GF#1 and #2 were amazing and sat waiting for 3 hours so I could have a good seat. At least what I thought would be a good seat.
I was definitely ready for bed dressed in my Old Navy pajama pants and my Team Wahlberg t-shirt after sitting in the hot sun all day. I needed a boost. Turns out my old friend, Bahama Mama was there to help me out. Before the show premiered I sucked down 2.5 of them. I was feeling pretty good and ready to P-A-R-T-Y. Woot!
At 10 pm, you could hear a pin drop in a crowd of 2500 people. We were all focused on the huge LCD screen watching a SUPER BIG MOVIE SIZE Donnie in the season finale of everyone's favorite show. (As a side note, I did call my husband earlier in the day to make sure he taped this for me "just in case" I was distracted from watching). During commercial breaks, Donnie told cute anecdotes and made jokes during the show.... About half way through the show, he said he wanted to sit on his VIP couch with someone to watch the rest of the show and were there any volunteers?
At this moment, the seas parted..... angels began to sing... and I raised my foam finger emblazoned with I Heart Donnie in glitter glue only to hear, "You with the hand!" as he pointed to little old me. Me? Me? You want to sit with me? I'm not sure how I got up to the couch-- I believe I floated on a sparkling cloud..... and before I knew it, I was sitting on this white couch with Donnie Wahlberg. I think he picked another fan too. I don't know. That part is inconsequential.
GF#1 and #2 anxiously asked me what happened and what we discussed when I finally descended from my throne. I told them everything. How he offered me Grey Goose and Cranberry (his drink of choice when its not Red Bull) or something to eat, perhaps some of his guacamole and tortilla chips? I declined both telling him he'd already given me more than I could ask for-- insert kiss #1 on my neck. He's a messy little eater and I needed to help place the napkin on his lap. I held his microphone and he put his arm around me. I patiently waited for a commercial to talk to him and pretended to watch the show while playing out a conversation in my head. I told him thank you-- thank you for all that you do, for all he gives and that he goes above and beyond-- insert kiss #2 on my neck as he whispered thank you into my ear. *sigh*
Bahama Mama did me wrong that night as she fully kicked in when I was on the couch, but that gave me to courage to chit chat. I asked him when he sleeps--- because honestly, I don't think the man ever sleeps. He smiled and said, "On the plane." He was off for more food and once again offered me a cocktail..... Sadly all good things come to an end. The credits rolled and my moment was over. I thanked him again-- got one of those huge Donnie bear hugs which he is so famous for- insert kiss on the check and kiss #3 on my neck. He smelled just as amazing as always--- I believe I've said it before, his scent must be close to that of God's.......
I was full on drunk from those 2.5 Bahama Mamas by the time the Lido Deck party started. The guys were dressed in togas. See through togas and it was very, very windy that night. At this time, I would like to thank those girls who were close enough to get pictures of what happened when the wind blew. I partied hard with the crew and beat back the beat with my foam finger while trying to unsuccessfully pimp out GF#1. Ugh, again, this is why I shouldn't drink hard alcohol. I staggered back to the room sometime in the wee hours with #2. Again, we lost #1 early on.... it was ok though. I was on a high. Nothing was going to top this right? What else could possibly happen with Donnie? But, I was on The Destiny and there was more in store for me........
We woke up early the next morning and ate our continental breakfast out on the balcony. We were anchored in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean at Half Moon Cay. Today was concert day. I am the first to admit that when the itinerary came through and it said "Concert to be held on Half Moon Cay at 1:00 pm" I read it three times. Was it possible these ass clowns were going to perform in the mid-day sun, heat, and humidity? On an island? While we STOOD and watched? No fucking way. Couldn't be possible. Had to be a typo. It just had to. Who would be that masochistic to the fans they appear to adore so much? Sadly, it was true.
The three of us boarded the tender to Half Moon Cay equip with our foam fingers. Mine, blaring I heart Donnie. GF#1 couldn't decide so she hearted Joe on one side and Jordan on the other. GF#2 fully supported Jon as being her Number One. #2 insisted we do foam fingers while shopping for door decorating accoutrement at Michael's--- this would turn out later to be the best idea she's ever had in the 23 years I've known her. My best idea ever? Renting floaties for the day and watching the concert from the ocean. ...which we did. Foam fingers and all.
After cooking in the sun for HOURS we watched the concert. I was hoping Donnie would take his shirt off but remained satisfied with him, dressed all in white again, with his shirt unbuttoned. Happiness. The show was short--- I'm guessing half way through they also realized what a fucking stupid idea this was. After the performance, we hopped a tender excited to shower and get ready for pajama night. This was a big night for me and Donnie. It was the season finale of Blue Bloods and the Lido Deck was going to broadcast it live. GF#1 and #2 were amazing and sat waiting for 3 hours so I could have a good seat. At least what I thought would be a good seat.
I was definitely ready for bed dressed in my Old Navy pajama pants and my Team Wahlberg t-shirt after sitting in the hot sun all day. I needed a boost. Turns out my old friend, Bahama Mama was there to help me out. Before the show premiered I sucked down 2.5 of them. I was feeling pretty good and ready to P-A-R-T-Y. Woot!
At 10 pm, you could hear a pin drop in a crowd of 2500 people. We were all focused on the huge LCD screen watching a SUPER BIG MOVIE SIZE Donnie in the season finale of everyone's favorite show. (As a side note, I did call my husband earlier in the day to make sure he taped this for me "just in case" I was distracted from watching). During commercial breaks, Donnie told cute anecdotes and made jokes during the show.... About half way through the show, he said he wanted to sit on his VIP couch with someone to watch the rest of the show and were there any volunteers?
At this moment, the seas parted..... angels began to sing... and I raised my foam finger emblazoned with I Heart Donnie in glitter glue only to hear, "You with the hand!" as he pointed to little old me. Me? Me? You want to sit with me? I'm not sure how I got up to the couch-- I believe I floated on a sparkling cloud..... and before I knew it, I was sitting on this white couch with Donnie Wahlberg. I think he picked another fan too. I don't know. That part is inconsequential.
GF#1 and #2 anxiously asked me what happened and what we discussed when I finally descended from my throne. I told them everything. How he offered me Grey Goose and Cranberry (his drink of choice when its not Red Bull) or something to eat, perhaps some of his guacamole and tortilla chips? I declined both telling him he'd already given me more than I could ask for-- insert kiss #1 on my neck. He's a messy little eater and I needed to help place the napkin on his lap. I held his microphone and he put his arm around me. I patiently waited for a commercial to talk to him and pretended to watch the show while playing out a conversation in my head. I told him thank you-- thank you for all that you do, for all he gives and that he goes above and beyond-- insert kiss #2 on my neck as he whispered thank you into my ear. *sigh*
Bahama Mama did me wrong that night as she fully kicked in when I was on the couch, but that gave me to courage to chit chat. I asked him when he sleeps--- because honestly, I don't think the man ever sleeps. He smiled and said, "On the plane." He was off for more food and once again offered me a cocktail..... Sadly all good things come to an end. The credits rolled and my moment was over. I thanked him again-- got one of those huge Donnie bear hugs which he is so famous for- insert kiss on the check and kiss #3 on my neck. He smelled just as amazing as always--- I believe I've said it before, his scent must be close to that of God's.......
I was full on drunk from those 2.5 Bahama Mamas by the time the Lido Deck party started. The guys were dressed in togas. See through togas and it was very, very windy that night. At this time, I would like to thank those girls who were close enough to get pictures of what happened when the wind blew. I partied hard with the crew and beat back the beat with my foam finger while trying to unsuccessfully pimp out GF#1. Ugh, again, this is why I shouldn't drink hard alcohol. I staggered back to the room sometime in the wee hours with #2. Again, we lost #1 early on.... it was ok though. I was on a high. Nothing was going to top this right? What else could possibly happen with Donnie? But, I was on The Destiny and there was more in store for me........
Cruise 2011: Day 1 (80's Night)
In order to be a REAL NKOTB fan, you have to accept the fact you will be standing in lines. Long-ass lines which go on for miles and last for hours. Although the Doorman of the hotel asked if we were with the cruise, and was about to put us in the same van as the guys and their crew, GF#1 and #2 convinced me it was "wrong" to hop in the van. I should mention here that all the New Kids stayed at our hotel and I didn't once go banging on every door of the hotel to find Donnie. I believe I should be applauded on my responsible and civil behavior. But I digress.... The three of us hopped into a cab and off we went to the Port of Miami to board the Destiny. Upon arrival we encountered the first of many of those lines..... but admittedly we were highly entertained at the sights, um, er, fans....
Once inside, I found myself trying to get past the lines faster by attempting to flirt with Johnny, Donnie's seemingly useless assistant (I never did figure out what he did- what I do know is he never came through with his promise once he saw our cabin door. A promise to fulfill Operation Get D-Dub in here.). I was unsuccessful but we passed the time texting and using the Internet before it was gone from us for 5 days. Although I was excited, the excitement STILL had not hit me. I was just not feeling it and began to get anxious. Why wasn't I excited like I was last year? I had my girls with me and we were meeting up with more but yet, something still wasn't there.
At 5:00, a horn sounded and as we pulled out of port, the DJ got louder and I heard a voice. A magical voice. A smooth sexy voice asking me (well 2500 of us) if we were ready to party. Then, dressed all in white like an angel he appeared---- DONNIE. It was then the excitement began and I realized what was missing. We danced and danced as the boat pulled out of port knowing this was just the beginning of a long night.
It was 80's night and the guys were doing their version of Nickelodeon's Double Dare. We were grouped in the later show, purposely, because we knew the guys would be drunk. And for any past cruisers, we all know how fun Drunk Jon is.... Drunk Joe being a close second.... but for my first time, I saw Drunk Donnie. My love grew even more as my heart doubled in size. Once the game show started, hilarity ensued and I believe the phrase "hash tag justsayin" had earned its spot as the inside joke for the rest of the cruise.
The was so much to take in and I laughed harder than I had in a long time.... For me, two moments stand out. First, when asked the question "What is the Pleasure Pit?" Jon knew the answer immediately. Second, was one of the physical challenges. Watching Donnie suck M&M's through a straw does something to a girl. Funny line here? Jordan Knight, "Let Jon do it. He can suck a watermelon through a hose." Even funnier line? Jon Knight, "Do you get extra points if you suck one with a nut?" But the best line, Donnie Wahlberg, "I'm a little shocked at how good I was at sucking on the straw." (insert gay innuendo at Jon here).
Although our sides hurt from laughing so hard, we ran to the Lido Deck where we knew the real party was going to start. The DJ pumped up 80's music and we danced in anticipation of our boys arrival to the party. They were dressed in original costumes from the Hangin' Tough tour-- complete with ripped jeans. This came in handy because as assisted in passing Donnie through the crowd as he body surfed, I was able to stick my hands in the holes and grab his butt. Then rub it. I didn't think anything was going to compare to that moment but little did I know what was in store.... We lost GF#1 early on but #2 and I danced into the wee hours singing along to "Lucky Star" and "Sweet Child o'Mine" before stumbling back to our room at 4 am........
Once inside, I found myself trying to get past the lines faster by attempting to flirt with Johnny, Donnie's seemingly useless assistant (I never did figure out what he did- what I do know is he never came through with his promise once he saw our cabin door. A promise to fulfill Operation Get D-Dub in here.). I was unsuccessful but we passed the time texting and using the Internet before it was gone from us for 5 days. Although I was excited, the excitement STILL had not hit me. I was just not feeling it and began to get anxious. Why wasn't I excited like I was last year? I had my girls with me and we were meeting up with more but yet, something still wasn't there.
At 5:00, a horn sounded and as we pulled out of port, the DJ got louder and I heard a voice. A magical voice. A smooth sexy voice asking me (well 2500 of us) if we were ready to party. Then, dressed all in white like an angel he appeared---- DONNIE. It was then the excitement began and I realized what was missing. We danced and danced as the boat pulled out of port knowing this was just the beginning of a long night.
It was 80's night and the guys were doing their version of Nickelodeon's Double Dare. We were grouped in the later show, purposely, because we knew the guys would be drunk. And for any past cruisers, we all know how fun Drunk Jon is.... Drunk Joe being a close second.... but for my first time, I saw Drunk Donnie. My love grew even more as my heart doubled in size. Once the game show started, hilarity ensued and I believe the phrase "hash tag justsayin" had earned its spot as the inside joke for the rest of the cruise.
The was so much to take in and I laughed harder than I had in a long time.... For me, two moments stand out. First, when asked the question "What is the Pleasure Pit?" Jon knew the answer immediately. Second, was one of the physical challenges. Watching Donnie suck M&M's through a straw does something to a girl. Funny line here? Jordan Knight, "Let Jon do it. He can suck a watermelon through a hose." Even funnier line? Jon Knight, "Do you get extra points if you suck one with a nut?" But the best line, Donnie Wahlberg, "I'm a little shocked at how good I was at sucking on the straw." (insert gay innuendo at Jon here).
Although our sides hurt from laughing so hard, we ran to the Lido Deck where we knew the real party was going to start. The DJ pumped up 80's music and we danced in anticipation of our boys arrival to the party. They were dressed in original costumes from the Hangin' Tough tour-- complete with ripped jeans. This came in handy because as assisted in passing Donnie through the crowd as he body surfed, I was able to stick my hands in the holes and grab his butt. Then rub it. I didn't think anything was going to compare to that moment but little did I know what was in store.... We lost GF#1 early on but #2 and I danced into the wee hours singing along to "Lucky Star" and "Sweet Child o'Mine" before stumbling back to our room at 4 am........
Cruise 2011: pre-cruise
Since August 2010, I have been counting down the days to this moment. The moment where I board a plane to Ft. Lauderdale, on my way to spend 5 days on the open seas with Danny, Donnie, Jordan, Joe and Jon. Yeah, that's right -- The New Kids on the Block. I even had an app on my iPhone which counted down the months, day, hours, minutes and seconds until the cruise. Come on, clearly, I am not going to miss an opportunity where Donnie would be stranded on a boat in the middle of the Atlantic with me. There are so many moments to share and they won't fit in one blog. I'll try not to turn this into the "Twilight" saga---- but no promises.
Bright and early Wednesday morning, girl friend #1 (we'll call her GF#1) boarded a plane to Ft. Lauderdale. We were leaving cold temperatures to go to beautiful Miami. My carry on was packed with the essentials: iPad, passport and xanax. I was ready to go. Hell, I was ready to go in January. So GF#1 and I boarded the plane to our "Destiny." Mission Get Donnie Wahlberg in my cabin was in effect (later it would be used as door them to lure him in......)
We arrive in Miami to the news the hotel had "taken the liberty" of upgrading us to a suite. Although the room was not ready, we were free to sit by the pool. She and I barely were in the elevator before we started pulling out our bathing suits. Sitting by the pool, we awaited for the third musketeer to arrive (we'll call her GF#2). I couldn't believe I was finally here and I soaked up the sun feeling happier than I had in months. GF#2 eventually arrived and our room was available..... We dropped our bags off and ran back to the pool. The sun had moved so we found new lounge chairs. As we sat there sipping mojitos and snacking on hummus, GF#2 turns to GF#1 and I only to say, "Um, is that Jordan Knight?" #1 and I turned to look, then looked at each other, then looked again only to say "Oh My God." Well, the texting, tweeting and facebooking began.
I brilliantly decided that we should send over a cocktail on us in lieu of running across the roof top pool and screaming to get his attention. Moments later, I look up again, turn to GF#2 and say, "Ah, Jon Knight is there too." #2 froze--- He is HER favorite. I give her credit--- she maintained composure and we sent him a drink as well. Obviously, if this was Donnie, I would have done the running and screaming part but that's just me. The three of us sat, pretending to read and not notice the boys were still there yet we were all breathlessly anticipating for one of them to come over and thank us.
Finally, our moment had arrived. Jordan Knight came over, sat down and chatted with us for a good half hour. I was able to talk to him as though he wasn't Jordan Knight but just a really hot guy at a pool. To be honest, it wasn't the first time any of us had met him but it was the first time we spent any quality sober time with him. GF#2 and I have maintained the belief that Jordan was the douche in the group. I am happy to say, that perception is destroyed. He was as sweet as he was shy. When we asked (ahem, I ASKED) to take pictures, he was more than gracious about it. Before he walked away, he gave us all hugs and told us to have a blast on the cruise. Sadly, Jon never came over to say thank you. His mother surely raised him better but I love Jon too so I can't say anything bad.
We continued on this high for a few hours over cocktails and dinner only to rush to our room like 6 year old little girls on Christmas Eve awaiting Santa's arrival. We just couldn't get to sleep fast enough and have Day 1 arrive. We also knew it was going to be the ONLY good night's sleep we'd get. So there we were all snuggled in our beds with visions of New Kids dancing in our heads...... not knowing what would lie ahead on The Destiny.
Bright and early Wednesday morning, girl friend #1 (we'll call her GF#1) boarded a plane to Ft. Lauderdale. We were leaving cold temperatures to go to beautiful Miami. My carry on was packed with the essentials: iPad, passport and xanax. I was ready to go. Hell, I was ready to go in January. So GF#1 and I boarded the plane to our "Destiny." Mission Get Donnie Wahlberg in my cabin was in effect (later it would be used as door them to lure him in......)
We arrive in Miami to the news the hotel had "taken the liberty" of upgrading us to a suite. Although the room was not ready, we were free to sit by the pool. She and I barely were in the elevator before we started pulling out our bathing suits. Sitting by the pool, we awaited for the third musketeer to arrive (we'll call her GF#2). I couldn't believe I was finally here and I soaked up the sun feeling happier than I had in months. GF#2 eventually arrived and our room was available..... We dropped our bags off and ran back to the pool. The sun had moved so we found new lounge chairs. As we sat there sipping mojitos and snacking on hummus, GF#2 turns to GF#1 and I only to say, "Um, is that Jordan Knight?" #1 and I turned to look, then looked at each other, then looked again only to say "Oh My God." Well, the texting, tweeting and facebooking began.
I brilliantly decided that we should send over a cocktail on us in lieu of running across the roof top pool and screaming to get his attention. Moments later, I look up again, turn to GF#2 and say, "Ah, Jon Knight is there too." #2 froze--- He is HER favorite. I give her credit--- she maintained composure and we sent him a drink as well. Obviously, if this was Donnie, I would have done the running and screaming part but that's just me. The three of us sat, pretending to read and not notice the boys were still there yet we were all breathlessly anticipating for one of them to come over and thank us.
Finally, our moment had arrived. Jordan Knight came over, sat down and chatted with us for a good half hour. I was able to talk to him as though he wasn't Jordan Knight but just a really hot guy at a pool. To be honest, it wasn't the first time any of us had met him but it was the first time we spent any quality sober time with him. GF#2 and I have maintained the belief that Jordan was the douche in the group. I am happy to say, that perception is destroyed. He was as sweet as he was shy. When we asked (ahem, I ASKED) to take pictures, he was more than gracious about it. Before he walked away, he gave us all hugs and told us to have a blast on the cruise. Sadly, Jon never came over to say thank you. His mother surely raised him better but I love Jon too so I can't say anything bad.
We continued on this high for a few hours over cocktails and dinner only to rush to our room like 6 year old little girls on Christmas Eve awaiting Santa's arrival. We just couldn't get to sleep fast enough and have Day 1 arrive. We also knew it was going to be the ONLY good night's sleep we'd get. So there we were all snuggled in our beds with visions of New Kids dancing in our heads...... not knowing what would lie ahead on The Destiny.
Where Do I Belong?
Dr. Phil always says, "Would you rather be happy or would you rather be right?" It's a pretty simple question but the answer can be so complex depending on the situation. From as far back as I can remember I wanted to be a lawyer. I was convinced this was the career for me. Luckily, I was young which kept me focused on a goal from a young age. I knew I was going to college. I knew my major. I knew I was going to law school. I knew I was going to be top prosecutor. What I didn't know was I wouldn't be able to pass the Bar Exam.
I didn't simply give up after I failed. I tried again. And at the behest of those around me, I tried again even though I didn't want to do it. Although I never passed, I stayed in the field of law and decided that if I couldn't be lawyer, I could be an excellent paralegal. Up until recently, I would say I've had a successful career. When I tell people what I do and where I work, there is always a look of "wow, how exciting" on their faces. The reality is, it's not exciting. This isn't the career for me so now, I'm going to start to work on being happy instead of being right.
Right now, my current employment pays very well and is flexible with my being a mom-- that's what keeps me there. I used to say that I'll stay here as long as they let me but after examining what could be causing some of the anxiety and misery in my life, I realized that my job was a piece of the pie. I don't HATE my job but I also don't LIKE my job. Being in the legal profession isn't where I belong at all. I've known that for some time but haven't done anything about it. Instead, I was thankful for having a well paying job in the current economy.
As a result, I think I became resentful. Especially towards my husband. He loves his job. Although I've discussed that his job is all consuming and his priorities are fucked up, he's still happy doing what he does. He has a sense of knowing the job doesn't control him, but he controls the job. Clearly, I need to work on not allowing the little things at work get to me. We all do that but I really am in the wrong career and it definitely affects my happiness. I want to be happy in all areas of my life-- and that's possible. I see that now. I control my happiness. I don't want to be right anymore, I want to be happy.
Where will this take me? I have no idea. Am I ever going to be a buyer for Bloomingdale's? No. Is that really my dream job? I don't think so. For the time being, I'll continue to work on being excellent in the position I'm at now but this isn't forever. It's just for now. There were times I loved the jobs that I had, and you could tell because I was happy. Alternatively, I've had jobs that made me want to slit my throat and it affected everyone around me. Right now I don't fall into either category. My hope is to find my niche someday soon. I'm open to the possibilities out there and if it means I have to start from the bottom again, it's ok because I would rather be happy than be right.
I didn't simply give up after I failed. I tried again. And at the behest of those around me, I tried again even though I didn't want to do it. Although I never passed, I stayed in the field of law and decided that if I couldn't be lawyer, I could be an excellent paralegal. Up until recently, I would say I've had a successful career. When I tell people what I do and where I work, there is always a look of "wow, how exciting" on their faces. The reality is, it's not exciting. This isn't the career for me so now, I'm going to start to work on being happy instead of being right.
Right now, my current employment pays very well and is flexible with my being a mom-- that's what keeps me there. I used to say that I'll stay here as long as they let me but after examining what could be causing some of the anxiety and misery in my life, I realized that my job was a piece of the pie. I don't HATE my job but I also don't LIKE my job. Being in the legal profession isn't where I belong at all. I've known that for some time but haven't done anything about it. Instead, I was thankful for having a well paying job in the current economy.
As a result, I think I became resentful. Especially towards my husband. He loves his job. Although I've discussed that his job is all consuming and his priorities are fucked up, he's still happy doing what he does. He has a sense of knowing the job doesn't control him, but he controls the job. Clearly, I need to work on not allowing the little things at work get to me. We all do that but I really am in the wrong career and it definitely affects my happiness. I want to be happy in all areas of my life-- and that's possible. I see that now. I control my happiness. I don't want to be right anymore, I want to be happy.
Where will this take me? I have no idea. Am I ever going to be a buyer for Bloomingdale's? No. Is that really my dream job? I don't think so. For the time being, I'll continue to work on being excellent in the position I'm at now but this isn't forever. It's just for now. There were times I loved the jobs that I had, and you could tell because I was happy. Alternatively, I've had jobs that made me want to slit my throat and it affected everyone around me. Right now I don't fall into either category. My hope is to find my niche someday soon. I'm open to the possibilities out there and if it means I have to start from the bottom again, it's ok because I would rather be happy than be right.
Road to Sanity: Day Five
I made it through. A week in an outpatient program at a psychiatric hospital and I made it through. I couldn't believe I was even there but I walked out having gained so much. For the first time in 35 years, I feel like I am starting my life. While I was there, I realized that I don't have the life that I have... but I am the only person who can change it. Am I happy being married to my husband? Absolutely. Am I happy being a mom? She is my pride and joy. But, am I happy with the people in my life? The job I have? The career I chose? ....well, let's just say there are going to be many changes.
The motto I live by is Radical Acceptance. I may not like the reality sometimes but I need to accept it. I've have radically accepted a great deal but I still have a ways to go. Mostly I need to work on the death of my father (as a side note, it will be 14 years this Sunday he'll be gone-- FML). It wasn't until I was in the program that I realized I stuffed so much anger and sadness down which led to not accepting he's gone. The good news is, I'm in therapy so I can start to work on that. My goal is to have accepted the fact that he is gone by his 15 year anniversary.
While I was digging through all these emotions, I realized that there are people in my life that may need to go. I received more support from some of the women in my group (some old enough to be my mom and some young enough to be a little sister) than I did from some of my "friends." Not everyone knows what to say or what to do with a friend who is anorexic. I can appreciate that.... to a point. But ignoring I have a problem or being honest in a negative way, isn't going to help me. I need to start to re-evaluate, one by one, who can remain in my close circle. I have a feeling it's going to get small.
The women in my group taught me just as much as the professionals. Ironically, I didn't think I would even grow close to these women but there is an unspoken bond. Their own personal wisdom helped me. It does help speaking with people who have similar issues. It creates a closeness but we all have to remember to set a boundary-- if not, we'll trigger one another. Hopefully we will all be successful in conquering our problems but there is only so much leaning we can do on one another. Ironically, the reason most of us were in the program was because we took on other's people's problems to solve.
I wish the program was inpatient for a longer period of time. I think I could have benefited from learning more but I am continuing with a six month program that meets once a week. It's sort of like leaving Celeb Rehab and going into Sober House. I wasn't going to participate but, last minute I decided it would be the best for me. Dr. Drew would be so proud of my after care program I'm sure. I recommend this program to anyone who isn't happy.... who isn't living the life they want to live... who lack to coping skills to deal.....
I don't know where I loss the sense of control I had over my life and my happiness in the past year, but it doesn't matter. Mom getting sick was a catalyst. What I mean by that is, a great deal of sadness and anxiety had been shoved down over the years but it reached a pinnacle until Mom got sick. Reality began to set in and without my knowing, set the ball rolling for an emotional explosion. I foolishly thought I beat anorexia years ago. It never goes away. It will always be there but I have accepted (radically of course) anorexia as part of who I am. Can I use better coping skills now? Yes. Will I? I'm trying to work on it every day.
Some in my life don't see the change but I know my truth. I've found my happy again. I'm a new person. A 2.0 version of my old self. I am excited about the changes to come and look forward to work on dealing with dad not being here anymore or eliminating friendships which aren't beneficial to me.
I think Mary J.Blige summed it up the best: No More Drama.
The motto I live by is Radical Acceptance. I may not like the reality sometimes but I need to accept it. I've have radically accepted a great deal but I still have a ways to go. Mostly I need to work on the death of my father (as a side note, it will be 14 years this Sunday he'll be gone-- FML). It wasn't until I was in the program that I realized I stuffed so much anger and sadness down which led to not accepting he's gone. The good news is, I'm in therapy so I can start to work on that. My goal is to have accepted the fact that he is gone by his 15 year anniversary.
While I was digging through all these emotions, I realized that there are people in my life that may need to go. I received more support from some of the women in my group (some old enough to be my mom and some young enough to be a little sister) than I did from some of my "friends." Not everyone knows what to say or what to do with a friend who is anorexic. I can appreciate that.... to a point. But ignoring I have a problem or being honest in a negative way, isn't going to help me. I need to start to re-evaluate, one by one, who can remain in my close circle. I have a feeling it's going to get small.
The women in my group taught me just as much as the professionals. Ironically, I didn't think I would even grow close to these women but there is an unspoken bond. Their own personal wisdom helped me. It does help speaking with people who have similar issues. It creates a closeness but we all have to remember to set a boundary-- if not, we'll trigger one another. Hopefully we will all be successful in conquering our problems but there is only so much leaning we can do on one another. Ironically, the reason most of us were in the program was because we took on other's people's problems to solve.
I wish the program was inpatient for a longer period of time. I think I could have benefited from learning more but I am continuing with a six month program that meets once a week. It's sort of like leaving Celeb Rehab and going into Sober House. I wasn't going to participate but, last minute I decided it would be the best for me. Dr. Drew would be so proud of my after care program I'm sure. I recommend this program to anyone who isn't happy.... who isn't living the life they want to live... who lack to coping skills to deal.....
I don't know where I loss the sense of control I had over my life and my happiness in the past year, but it doesn't matter. Mom getting sick was a catalyst. What I mean by that is, a great deal of sadness and anxiety had been shoved down over the years but it reached a pinnacle until Mom got sick. Reality began to set in and without my knowing, set the ball rolling for an emotional explosion. I foolishly thought I beat anorexia years ago. It never goes away. It will always be there but I have accepted (radically of course) anorexia as part of who I am. Can I use better coping skills now? Yes. Will I? I'm trying to work on it every day.
Some in my life don't see the change but I know my truth. I've found my happy again. I'm a new person. A 2.0 version of my old self. I am excited about the changes to come and look forward to work on dealing with dad not being here anymore or eliminating friendships which aren't beneficial to me.
I think Mary J.Blige summed it up the best: No More Drama.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Road to Sanity: Day Four
Tomorrow is graduation. Surprisingly, it's bittersweet for me. I never ever thought I would benefit from this program the way that I have but, I've found my happy again. I have motivation to get out of bed again (but napping will continue to be part of my regimen during the rest of the leave). I met with my team of doctors today and had a marital session. In each meeting I was told my progress was outstanding and there was a sparkle in my eyes which wasn't there on Monday.
Mostly, the workshops today made a strong impression on me..... They was all about assertiveness, specifically the assertive woman, which I never, ever thought I had a problem with but after today, I realize I never had my own voice. My bark is much worse than my bite--- My mom used to say that my dad was soft as a grape, hard on the outside yet soft on the inside. Today I realized it describes me too. The irony is, I always feel at times I am being too assertive but what I learned is I let people walk all over me. How? Through guilt. Allowing guilt to swallow me whole at times. I am my own worst enemy and take "justified" blame in some of the guilt. This last week has taught me so much about my relationships with so many people. To repeat what I've been saying, it's been eye opening. Aside from the family who knows, my friends have carried me through this week. I don't ever use real names and I'm not going to start, but it's those people who read on a regular basis (and literally send message asking why there hasn't been a blog entry---- sort of a funny form of hate mail) they know who they are.
Even though the professionals were helpful, I really couldn't have made it this far without my friends and my family. I don't know many husbands who would sit in a counseling session, to discuss a marriage that isn't falling apart but has a wife who is beyond fucked up. Although I've complained for months that I wasn't a priority, today I looked over at my husband and realized that he would fly to the moon and back for me to get better. At that moment, at that second, a spark reignited our emotional connection. I realized why we have been together for 7 years and why we are renewing our vows after 5 years of marriage. Of course, all these moments tied together inspired some retail therapy and sent me off to find the perfect dress for the vow renewal. Will it fit me in October? I don't know. I hope so but I hope it's because I've maintained this weight in a healthy way. One day at a time, one moment at a time, one bite at a time.
The texts, the phone calls, the emails, etc have all made what I thought was going to be a long week go by quickly. A week ago, very little made me laugh but now it seems like I can't stop smiling. Each friend in my life serves a purpose-- mostly the purpose is to entertain me but each one has a quality that keeps them around, in my inner circle-- some of whom have been there for decades. When I went into the program, I never intended to make friends. Actually, it was more like a statement "I'm not here to make friends." Are these women I am going to stay in touch with after tomorrow? No but I learned a great deal from them. Each woman in this room has served a purpose. Each one has taught me something about MYSELF. It's allowed me to see myself from a new perspective. I've worked so hard to get through the week and I see it's paying off.... my quality of life has improved in 4 days but deteriorated over 10 months. It's amazing.
This week reminded me that I am so much stronger than I give myself credit for..... and if that's the only thing I take away, the week was a success.
Mostly, the workshops today made a strong impression on me..... They was all about assertiveness, specifically the assertive woman, which I never, ever thought I had a problem with but after today, I realize I never had my own voice. My bark is much worse than my bite--- My mom used to say that my dad was soft as a grape, hard on the outside yet soft on the inside. Today I realized it describes me too. The irony is, I always feel at times I am being too assertive but what I learned is I let people walk all over me. How? Through guilt. Allowing guilt to swallow me whole at times. I am my own worst enemy and take "justified" blame in some of the guilt. This last week has taught me so much about my relationships with so many people. To repeat what I've been saying, it's been eye opening. Aside from the family who knows, my friends have carried me through this week. I don't ever use real names and I'm not going to start, but it's those people who read on a regular basis (and literally send message asking why there hasn't been a blog entry---- sort of a funny form of hate mail) they know who they are.
Even though the professionals were helpful, I really couldn't have made it this far without my friends and my family. I don't know many husbands who would sit in a counseling session, to discuss a marriage that isn't falling apart but has a wife who is beyond fucked up. Although I've complained for months that I wasn't a priority, today I looked over at my husband and realized that he would fly to the moon and back for me to get better. At that moment, at that second, a spark reignited our emotional connection. I realized why we have been together for 7 years and why we are renewing our vows after 5 years of marriage. Of course, all these moments tied together inspired some retail therapy and sent me off to find the perfect dress for the vow renewal. Will it fit me in October? I don't know. I hope so but I hope it's because I've maintained this weight in a healthy way. One day at a time, one moment at a time, one bite at a time.
The texts, the phone calls, the emails, etc have all made what I thought was going to be a long week go by quickly. A week ago, very little made me laugh but now it seems like I can't stop smiling. Each friend in my life serves a purpose-- mostly the purpose is to entertain me but each one has a quality that keeps them around, in my inner circle-- some of whom have been there for decades. When I went into the program, I never intended to make friends. Actually, it was more like a statement "I'm not here to make friends." Are these women I am going to stay in touch with after tomorrow? No but I learned a great deal from them. Each woman in this room has served a purpose. Each one has taught me something about MYSELF. It's allowed me to see myself from a new perspective. I've worked so hard to get through the week and I see it's paying off.... my quality of life has improved in 4 days but deteriorated over 10 months. It's amazing.
This week reminded me that I am so much stronger than I give myself credit for..... and if that's the only thing I take away, the week was a success.
Road to Sanity: Day Three
Oh wow! I can blog from my iPad. Oprah was right- this is the best investment of the 21st century.
I AM HALFWAY THROUGH!!! I feel as though I've learned so much in the three days I have been there. Yesterday was rough day and I considered not coming back but I had a plan in effect - if I got anymore shit about not being in the eating disorders program I was prepared to walk out or at least get in the face of the director of the program and try, in a very Italian way, and explain once and for all that I was not transferring into the eating disorders program. Fortunately, for them and for me, it didn't have to come to that. I walked in prepared with my "I'm an Anorexic" t-shirt on and a half eaten Bagel around my neck.
My anxiety levels through the week are waning at this point and I was pulled out of group early to meet with my psychologist. She thought it was high time we focused more on why I was there (finally) instead of convincing me I was anorexic and needed help. So, I sat there and poured my guts out to her about the last 10 months of my life: the good, the bad and the ugly with my mom. Needless to say that by the time I finished talking, which seemed like an eternity, I was numb. Completely, totally, utterly numb.
We focused on one particular incident which occurred, that I made a self promise not to blog about.... but I'm going to break that promise. Back in the beginning of the year, my mom was thought to have pneumonia and was recommended to go to the hospital but being a nurse, on top of being stubborn, would not go because she KNEW she didn't have pneumonia. She knew exactly what she needed. I was called at work hoping my mere presence would guilt her into going. Yeah, that plan didn't work and long story short, 911 was called and it was determined a social services incident therefore she was forced to go. In the end, she was right--- she didn't have pneumonia but I felt I had done irreparable damage to our relationship by that point. Or so I thought.
Although we talked about it and I apologized to her, my psychologist painted the following scenario for me: Imagine my husband involuntarily bringing me to an in patient eating disorders clinic when I knew I didn't need to be there. That he took my choice away from me-- even though it would be out of love on his point, it was still him taking my choices away as an adult and that's what I did to my mom that day. Yet another Oprah AHA! moment. So after wiping the tears away, and composing myself, I called my mom and apologized again. My first apology was sincere although I felt as though it was the only thing I could do to repair any harm I've done but this time, this time I understood how she felt and the sorry came from the bottom of my heart. It was then that I promised her that I would always be on her side, and she will always be on mine. It was at that moment I knew my relationship with my mom had finally gone back to what it was.
This program continues to help me on a daily basis. I am learning so much about myself and why I'm so fucked up. It's pretty cool. It is truly solidifying my theory that only children are really fucked up. Each workshop has made me stronger yet it's caused me to question many facets of my life. Namely my career. Is being a buyer for Bloomingdale's on 59th and Lexington possible? Sure. Is it probable? Absolutely not. Yet, I'm beginning to think there is something else out there--- so much more I can offer of myself. Not just in my career but as a mom, a wife, a daughter and a friend. The wheels are turning....
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
I AM HALFWAY THROUGH!!! I feel as though I've learned so much in the three days I have been there. Yesterday was rough day and I considered not coming back but I had a plan in effect - if I got anymore shit about not being in the eating disorders program I was prepared to walk out or at least get in the face of the director of the program and try, in a very Italian way, and explain once and for all that I was not transferring into the eating disorders program. Fortunately, for them and for me, it didn't have to come to that. I walked in prepared with my "I'm an Anorexic" t-shirt on and a half eaten Bagel around my neck.
My anxiety levels through the week are waning at this point and I was pulled out of group early to meet with my psychologist. She thought it was high time we focused more on why I was there (finally) instead of convincing me I was anorexic and needed help. So, I sat there and poured my guts out to her about the last 10 months of my life: the good, the bad and the ugly with my mom. Needless to say that by the time I finished talking, which seemed like an eternity, I was numb. Completely, totally, utterly numb.
We focused on one particular incident which occurred, that I made a self promise not to blog about.... but I'm going to break that promise. Back in the beginning of the year, my mom was thought to have pneumonia and was recommended to go to the hospital but being a nurse, on top of being stubborn, would not go because she KNEW she didn't have pneumonia. She knew exactly what she needed. I was called at work hoping my mere presence would guilt her into going. Yeah, that plan didn't work and long story short, 911 was called and it was determined a social services incident therefore she was forced to go. In the end, she was right--- she didn't have pneumonia but I felt I had done irreparable damage to our relationship by that point. Or so I thought.
Although we talked about it and I apologized to her, my psychologist painted the following scenario for me: Imagine my husband involuntarily bringing me to an in patient eating disorders clinic when I knew I didn't need to be there. That he took my choice away from me-- even though it would be out of love on his point, it was still him taking my choices away as an adult and that's what I did to my mom that day. Yet another Oprah AHA! moment. So after wiping the tears away, and composing myself, I called my mom and apologized again. My first apology was sincere although I felt as though it was the only thing I could do to repair any harm I've done but this time, this time I understood how she felt and the sorry came from the bottom of my heart. It was then that I promised her that I would always be on her side, and she will always be on mine. It was at that moment I knew my relationship with my mom had finally gone back to what it was.
This program continues to help me on a daily basis. I am learning so much about myself and why I'm so fucked up. It's pretty cool. It is truly solidifying my theory that only children are really fucked up. Each workshop has made me stronger yet it's caused me to question many facets of my life. Namely my career. Is being a buyer for Bloomingdale's on 59th and Lexington possible? Sure. Is it probable? Absolutely not. Yet, I'm beginning to think there is something else out there--- so much more I can offer of myself. Not just in my career but as a mom, a wife, a daughter and a friend. The wheels are turning....
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Road to Sanity: Day Two
It's funny because during the process of intake into the program, they talk about how many people they tend to lose after the first day. What the fail to mention is the percentage of people who drop out after day two. Holy Fuck, Batman. I don't even know where to begin.... I woke up today feeling better (a little) and ready to go back. I was tired but ready to take on the next challenge of day two or so I thought.
Even though I refused to make friends because well, let's face it, I could give a shit about having more useless people in my life, especially people who share in my anxiety and stress. I need more positive energy in my life, but against my instincts I talked to the other women in the group between workshops and therapy. It was helpful and they give me a perspective from a mom's point of view.... but I digress.
As I was sitting there, learning about reasonable v. emotional mind, I was surprisingly pulled out of my workshop. I hadn't met my social worker yet, so I thought perhaps this could be her. Maybe even the occupational therapist they suggested.... but oh no... I was very, very far off. It was the fucking registered dietitian. Why you ask? To pull me out of the current program and strongly "suggest" I enter their eating disorders program. Hmmmm.... Funny, I thought I addressed this several time yesterday. She soaked up over an hour of my time trying to convince me of their "voluntary" eating disorder program and how beneficial it would be to me. Aside from being totally blindsided by this nonsense, I was pissed and I told her so. Her selling points were: "but you're so close to being better" and "your stories can help the other girls." Um, buy the fucking book if you want help.
I debated my eating disorder with her for over 60 minutes saying, I DIDN'T have one while she continued to say I DID. Finally, she explained the difference between what I see as an anorexic and what the definition of an anorexic, have to do with a state of mind and not a physical look. OK, fine, I concede. I have unhealthy issues with food, I restrict food. Fine. Agreed, let's leave it at that and let me go back to my workshops where I can work on better coping skills. Thank you.
Possibly 10 minutes later, my psychiatrist calls me out. I see her on a daily basis anyway so I rolled with it. Once we got into her office, I told her I was angry about the dietitian she sent to see me which led to her "concern" about my "denial" of an eating disorder. WHAT-THE-FUCK. I'm here trying to deal with a bunch of shit and an eating disorder is just a symptom of the overall process so when you trap me in your office and convince me.... sorry, attempt to convince me of my denial, I lose valuable time in these workshops to deal with my REAL issues.
This is all before noon and I STILL haven't been weighed yet. So I still have that to look forward to-- thank God. Because so far, this day is going swimmingly. After the weigh in or thereabouts, I get the surprise of being taken to the lab for blood work. They call it "routine" but some of the things they checked for (um, electrolyte balance? thyroid issues?) are not fucking routine. This all goes back to the "eating disorder."
Just when I think that my day is close to being done, I get pulled out of my final workshop 30 minutes before we wrap up. This time its my psychologist and guess what, she wants to talk about my denial of being anorexic. It's just a losing battle. This time I finally wasn't being convinced I should leave my current program for the eating disorders program. She just wanted to reiterate that there are options and ways to get help if I think I need it. Ugh. Fine. I give up. If I want help, you're here, I get it. Although I thought I was in the clear, the social worker found me..... Guess what? She wanted to talk about my "eating disorder." I find all of this ironic since most of the day was spent discussing radical acceptance. So here we go:
I AM ANOREXIC
Tomorrow I plan to wear it in a fluorescent t-shirt so no one thinks I am in denial. Yes, I restrict food. Yes, I HAVE A FUCKING EATING DISORDER NOW WILL YOU LEAVE ME ALONE? All I ask is to be left alone to deal with the issues I really need help with and let this one just go. Because I know I'll be fine. I know my limitations. OK, I sound like every other addict out there but I do. I like being skinny right now so just let me be. Let me work on the problems I REALLY need help with.....
Even though all this shit happened, I could still come up with three happy things: eating at d.Carlo's for dinner (see, I DO eat--- even though it doesn't conform to "normal standards"), putting on clean sheets (there is nothing better than getting in a bed with clean sheets) and writing this blog today.
Even though I had a bad fucking day, I did have an Oprah aha! moment. I now have a developed a coping skill when my anxiety is triggered. It won't happen overnight, but I have one. It's the first time in 35 years that I have a coping skill. I learned that my needs are just as important as anyone else's
Step one though is to definitely start wearing my "I heart Anorexia" t-shirt because if I've learned ANYTHING in two days it's that these people (ones i behavioral health) LOVE fucking labels. If it makes them feel better to label me anorexic, then so be it. I may not see eye to eye with these people but I know they know more than I do..... so, if you say I'm anorexic. OK, bring it on. Let's get this-- because I am in control.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Road to Sanity: Day One
Sitting in the waiting room, I took a good look around me. The women I saw, appeared on the outside, to be a great deal like me. I soaked in every minute and listened to the chatter around me as I pretended to read on my iPad. Some of the women were taken off into groups and before I knew it, I was sitting all alone. Turns out they were there for a different program.... a program I probably should have been in based on the conversations I was hearing. I continued to sit and read while I waited to be escorted to my group. The seconds felt like minutes and the minutes felt like hours. I texted replies to those who wished me luck. Began to wish that I was someplace else..... Yet most of all, I tried to remember how I got here in the first place.
When you are told (let's make it clear, this wasn't completely voluntary on my part-- this was driven at least 70% by guilt) that you are going to spend a week in outpatient psychiatric treatment you start to think what the fuck does that mean exactly? I had no idea what to expect and by 11 am my head was spinning. Literally spinning. Obviously this wouldn't be a normal anxiety-ridden experience unless I had a panic attack, which I did while sitting in my car in the parking lot-- debating on whether I was really going to do this. My emotions were on the brink of overflowing and I didn't know when or if I was going to cry (for the record, I did).
My day today was hectic. Overwhelming. Confusing. And of course, filled with anxiety. It basically is a full day of workshops and group therapy during which you are pulled out by a psychiatrist, psychologist and a social worker over the course of the day. So what that meant was, even though I went through a two hour intake process and they had all the notes in front of them, I was forced to repeat the same stories three times today. Argued with three people over NOT being in the eating disorders program. And eventually became emotionally numb to the whole experience. Although I won't see all three of these people on a daily basis, I will see at least 2 out of three daily. Great. Because therapy twice a week wasn't enough so let me spend 7 hours a day talking about my issues.
The group sessions weren't as bad as I thought. They are mainly workshops. When I hear the term group therapy, I picture what I see I Celebrity Rehab which is the Doctor (ie Dr. Drew) sitting at the head of a semi-circle with a group of fucked up people in comfortable chairs wrapped in blankets just sharing emotions and "how they feel" that day. Yeah, nothing like that--- at least not in this program. We sat around a table in a cold room and on uncomfortable chairs. Without giving up to much confidentiality, the women varied in age and I found it difficult to take advice, when I did "share," from a 23 year old. But I don't want to minimize her feelings and though she was trying to be helpful, I felt my problems were more then she could understand. I think alot of what I feel and am going through is harder to deal with because I have a husband and a child. If the only person I had to focus on was ME, I probably wouldn't be there but again, I don't want to minimize her issues.
I need to be more conscious of the eye rolling I do because I can't take some of the nonsense I hear from the others in group. That's just my personality and it's tough to change. I hate nonsense. To them it's not nonsense--- to them it's real. To me it's bullshit. I really don't like the fact that I am judgmental. Interestingly, I'm not judgmental with my friends even when I know they have done things wrong but to pass judgment on a stranger, that's not a problem. I think it's because I'm a bitch--- that's still up for discussion. But, I try to keep an open mind. I learned a little today and I hope to learn more tomorrow. Today's aha! moment was that I DON'T have to appreciate all that I have but I need to appreciate the little things that make me happy---- like watching Donnie on Dancing with the Stars do his salsa moves. I could watch that about 1000 times and it makes me really, really happy. By taking happiness in the little things, I will start to appreciate the bigger picture. At least that is the goal. Everyday, I need to write down three things that make me happy.
Today: dinner went smoothly with Avery meaning, she asked what for what she wanted, I made it and she ate it. Sadly that doesn't happen every day. Next, Avery and I played the kissing game which is one of my favorite things-- it's a game where she asks me to kiss her nose, her cheeks, her eyes, etc. Each kiss end in a burst of giggles. Finally, most of my friends and those in my family who know sent me well wishes. Some didn't--- and I am not going to dwell on it. I guess that means I learned two things today.
Worst part of the day???? Hands down was being weighed. I knew it was coming. I was dreading it and I think that was what was in the back of my head the whole day. The program ends at about 3:30 and by 2, I still hadn't been weighed. I thought I may have escaped the nightmare. I weigh myself every morning using 2 scales yet I don't want to be weighed--- that's called a paradox. A really fucked up paradox. When you're weighed in a program like this, and they label you as having an "eating disorder" they don't let you see the scale. Now, I know what my mechanical scale said today and I know what my digital scale said but I have no idea what that doctor's scale said. That caused great anxiety. I'm not allowed to face forward. Of course when the weighing occurred, I made it a big fucking project. First, I had to pee. Second, the sweater had to come off. Third, shoes and watch came off and Finally, I put my hair up. For whatever reason, all of these things will cause me to weigh the least amount --- in my head.
The good news? They didn't succeed at transferring me into the eating disorder program. The bad news? I will be weighed every day and my vitals will be taken every day. I also have been tapped for some special blood work. Oh, and I'm also going to have the "opportunity" to take part in "extra programs" during the day in lieu of group. So I think they are sneaking "eating disorder" bullshit but, without the supervised means and trips to the bathroom or the daily meeting with the nutritionist to go over the fucking food pyramid. I may play along with their game but they aren't pulling one over on me, I can see right through this.
Today I went in with an open mind. I shared my thoughts with the group and was open and honest with the professionals I saw. I even did my "homework" though I think it's bullshit and more work that I don't have time for, but I did it. Either go balls to the wall or don't do it at all..... Tonight, my anxiety is off the charts. Blogging helps but soon, I can sleep. Only to wake up to do it all again tomorrow. I still don't know what to expect-- because every day is a different day but I can proudly say I completed DAY ONE.
When you are told (let's make it clear, this wasn't completely voluntary on my part-- this was driven at least 70% by guilt) that you are going to spend a week in outpatient psychiatric treatment you start to think what the fuck does that mean exactly? I had no idea what to expect and by 11 am my head was spinning. Literally spinning. Obviously this wouldn't be a normal anxiety-ridden experience unless I had a panic attack, which I did while sitting in my car in the parking lot-- debating on whether I was really going to do this. My emotions were on the brink of overflowing and I didn't know when or if I was going to cry (for the record, I did).
My day today was hectic. Overwhelming. Confusing. And of course, filled with anxiety. It basically is a full day of workshops and group therapy during which you are pulled out by a psychiatrist, psychologist and a social worker over the course of the day. So what that meant was, even though I went through a two hour intake process and they had all the notes in front of them, I was forced to repeat the same stories three times today. Argued with three people over NOT being in the eating disorders program. And eventually became emotionally numb to the whole experience. Although I won't see all three of these people on a daily basis, I will see at least 2 out of three daily. Great. Because therapy twice a week wasn't enough so let me spend 7 hours a day talking about my issues.
The group sessions weren't as bad as I thought. They are mainly workshops. When I hear the term group therapy, I picture what I see I Celebrity Rehab which is the Doctor (ie Dr. Drew) sitting at the head of a semi-circle with a group of fucked up people in comfortable chairs wrapped in blankets just sharing emotions and "how they feel" that day. Yeah, nothing like that--- at least not in this program. We sat around a table in a cold room and on uncomfortable chairs. Without giving up to much confidentiality, the women varied in age and I found it difficult to take advice, when I did "share," from a 23 year old. But I don't want to minimize her feelings and though she was trying to be helpful, I felt my problems were more then she could understand. I think alot of what I feel and am going through is harder to deal with because I have a husband and a child. If the only person I had to focus on was ME, I probably wouldn't be there but again, I don't want to minimize her issues.
I need to be more conscious of the eye rolling I do because I can't take some of the nonsense I hear from the others in group. That's just my personality and it's tough to change. I hate nonsense. To them it's not nonsense--- to them it's real. To me it's bullshit. I really don't like the fact that I am judgmental. Interestingly, I'm not judgmental with my friends even when I know they have done things wrong but to pass judgment on a stranger, that's not a problem. I think it's because I'm a bitch--- that's still up for discussion. But, I try to keep an open mind. I learned a little today and I hope to learn more tomorrow. Today's aha! moment was that I DON'T have to appreciate all that I have but I need to appreciate the little things that make me happy---- like watching Donnie on Dancing with the Stars do his salsa moves. I could watch that about 1000 times and it makes me really, really happy. By taking happiness in the little things, I will start to appreciate the bigger picture. At least that is the goal. Everyday, I need to write down three things that make me happy.
Today: dinner went smoothly with Avery meaning, she asked what for what she wanted, I made it and she ate it. Sadly that doesn't happen every day. Next, Avery and I played the kissing game which is one of my favorite things-- it's a game where she asks me to kiss her nose, her cheeks, her eyes, etc. Each kiss end in a burst of giggles. Finally, most of my friends and those in my family who know sent me well wishes. Some didn't--- and I am not going to dwell on it. I guess that means I learned two things today.
Worst part of the day???? Hands down was being weighed. I knew it was coming. I was dreading it and I think that was what was in the back of my head the whole day. The program ends at about 3:30 and by 2, I still hadn't been weighed. I thought I may have escaped the nightmare. I weigh myself every morning using 2 scales yet I don't want to be weighed--- that's called a paradox. A really fucked up paradox. When you're weighed in a program like this, and they label you as having an "eating disorder" they don't let you see the scale. Now, I know what my mechanical scale said today and I know what my digital scale said but I have no idea what that doctor's scale said. That caused great anxiety. I'm not allowed to face forward. Of course when the weighing occurred, I made it a big fucking project. First, I had to pee. Second, the sweater had to come off. Third, shoes and watch came off and Finally, I put my hair up. For whatever reason, all of these things will cause me to weigh the least amount --- in my head.
The good news? They didn't succeed at transferring me into the eating disorder program. The bad news? I will be weighed every day and my vitals will be taken every day. I also have been tapped for some special blood work. Oh, and I'm also going to have the "opportunity" to take part in "extra programs" during the day in lieu of group. So I think they are sneaking "eating disorder" bullshit but, without the supervised means and trips to the bathroom or the daily meeting with the nutritionist to go over the fucking food pyramid. I may play along with their game but they aren't pulling one over on me, I can see right through this.
Today I went in with an open mind. I shared my thoughts with the group and was open and honest with the professionals I saw. I even did my "homework" though I think it's bullshit and more work that I don't have time for, but I did it. Either go balls to the wall or don't do it at all..... Tonight, my anxiety is off the charts. Blogging helps but soon, I can sleep. Only to wake up to do it all again tomorrow. I still don't know what to expect-- because every day is a different day but I can proudly say I completed DAY ONE.
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