Only Child Debate

Things in my life I shouldn't have to explain: my obsession with Louboutins, my fascination with Donnie Wahlberg and why I only want ONE child.  Normally, I would tell people to go fuck themselves (on the inside) when I get that "look" from someone who hears that my husband and I have one and we're done.  People tend to you look at you in one of two ways.

First, you get that look of, "wow-- that's selfish of you." Or, my favorite, that look of, "awwww...." like they've just been told I have a terminal disease.  In both instances, I have the go fuck yourself response building on the inside.  It usually takes every strength I have to control my tongue muscles from saying it.  When it really bad, and we're in mixed company, my husband says our secret word (muskrat) and I know to keep my mouth shut.

I recently was faced again with this topic of absolutely no one's business.  Don't get me wrong, I don't mind answering the legitimate question, "do you two plan on having any more kids?"  It's the spew of diarrhea that comes out of people's mouths after I say no that pisses me off.  There are many things that are personal decisions- like religion or politics.  Why is this any different? I can't tell you how irritating it is to hear the following sentence: "I know that you only have one but let me tell why I think you should have more...." Go fuck yourself.

Against my better judgment, I've decided to explain, once and for all why only one.  I think the best way to do it is in the form of a David Letterman Top Ten List.  So, without further ado....

THE TOP TEN REASONS WHY WE ARE ONLY HAVING ONE CHILD

10. Fertility treatments suck and they're painful
9. Kids are really, really expensive
8. We have a healthy baby, why test fate?
7. I got a girl first time out
6.  Only children are proven to be smarter (a prominent Texas psychologist did a study and found the following: "(Onlies) tend to score slightly higher in verbal ability, go farther in school and have a little bit higher self-esteem, and a lot of this just has to do with more parent involvement and uninterrupted time with adults.”)
5. I was an only child, and loved it.  Husband had siblings and hated it.
4. We are able to give her 100% of our focus and attention
3. I'm not emotionally stable enough to handle the anxiety of two children (my account is red flagged at CVS pharmacy I'm sure).
2. Being a mom, I have already given up a great deal of my life (which I was happy to do)

.....and the number one reason why we are having only one child

THAT'S WHAT WE WANT

It frustrating to say the least.  I still tend to live my life as though I am 25.  My husband and I go out every Saturday night to dinner whether with friends or alone.  Other moms judge that and think it's selfish, well, I think they're ignorant.  My husband and I need time together. Everyone said our lives would change when we got married--- but that wasn't a true statement.  Our lives changed when our daughter was born.  We realized it was important to spend a night out together.  Yeah, it's only dinner and I'm still in bed by 11 but I was able to have time alone.  I truly believe having another child would impede on this...  as a matter of fact, I know it would.  It's harder to find a sitter for multiple kids than one.

I've struggled with this myself before.  I was open to having a second child....  but my husband wasn't.  When I said that to someone recently, they said to stop taking the Pill and not tell.  Hmmmm...  that's not really the key to a successful marriage but OK, thanks for that. I have a lot of love to give but my heart explodes for this little girl.  I don't know how I could love another this much -- although I know parents do.  

Instead of people questioning our position on having another child....  I wish they could sit back and see a truly happy family filled with a great deal of love.

Recovery in 3 Acts: Act 3: Surrender

I sit here with tears streaming down my face, yet again....  Mom is back in the hospital due to possible dehydration and constant nausea. This is another set back to her having the feeding tube removed.  Surgery appeared to be successful for about two weeks.... and I hesitated to blog about the amazing turn around she was experiencing.  Why?  Because I knew it was too good to be fucking true.  As I try to remain positive for those around me (at least on the outside),  I'm not (on the inside).  I worry 23 hours a day...  the other hour is spent trying to sleep.  Every time she gets sick, I get a sinking feeling in my stomach that the Cancer has spread.  It's the elephant in the room-- because no one will truly speak of it. When I ask, if the surgeons/GI doctors/etc are concerned, the response is brushed off quickly.  Staying positive is important, but being realistic is healthier.  Again, my only experience with Cancer has been negative - essentially until my mom's diagnosis. It is important to note that the last surgery and the on-going medical issues she's having are not Cancer related, as far as we know.  They stem from digestive issues which could possible be a side affect of the initial surgery to remove the tumor, but there has been no evidence to say Cancer has spread and could be causing these problems.

I heard that early detection equals a 95% success rate- it's a category that I think my mom falls into.  I can believe that at times.... but mostly, I worry.  I worry about Cancer and I worry about my mom dying and I worry about how I will go on if I lose her.  I've said this before, I am still emotionally dependent on her and I think that it may be a co-dependency--- probably 70/30 in my favor.  But I can't go on like this in my life.  My happiness may not depend on my mom, but it affects me emotionally.  There's no way to un-do a way of life that has been going for 36 years strong.

My past time consists of watching endless reality shows on addiction....  It's a fascination (as an aside, I fear that I will be Janice Dickinson in 20 years based on her recent involvement with Celebrity Rehab) of mine but I have learned something from it.  I've learned that you must surrender to the addiction in order to move forward and get well.  Essentially, I need to surrender to my mom's illness.  Its imperative I surrender to my anxiety and allow myself to enjoy life.

Clearly it's not healthy to NOT want to get out of bed.  I don't want to just sleep my life away.... I want to just lay in bed.  I don't want to go to work.  I don't want to answer the phone.  I have stopped emailing.  contrary to what my husband thinks, I've avoided any social networking...  The commercials for depression describe me and I know it.  I take enough meds that if I start taking anymore, the FDA may flag my CVS computer profile. My acting hasn't been very convincing because once again, information (as minor as it may be) is starting to be withheld from for fear that I may freak out.  I can't help but laugh at that because honestly, I freak out over everything.  EVERYTHING in my life is a crisis to some degree or another.  Ironically, what my family/friends don't understand is the withholding of information only increases my anxiety because I am always second guessing them about whether or not they are disseminating all the information to me.

Really my only hope at this point is to surrender.  When I write my feelings out like this and read them back, even I say, "wow, what a selfish brat."  I'm not the one who is physically sick and dealing with feeling like shit on a daily basis, yet my anxiety takes control over me.  It's time for ME to recover.... and surrender myself.  If only I had a volume button to turn down the noise in my head.