In Your Face

Moving on from Anorexia 101, I've started teaching lessons for Anorexia 201.  This time around, I continue to deal with ignorance but as with any course, it becomes more challenging. It is very infrequent that I am at a loss for words but, this is one of those times.  My altar ego, Barbie, has been a part of my life for twenty years.  The greater part of that time I lived in hiding and kept Barbie to myself.  I denied the existence to everyone around me, including myself that I had an eating disorder.  And for the first time, at age 37, I am very open about it.

Although it may sound cliche, if I can help one girl, especially my daughter and prevent them from spiraling into the hell of an eating disorder, I want to speak openly and freely about Barbie.  Apparently, this is.... OFFENSIVE. Yes, you read correctly, OFFENSIVE.  It has been brought to my attention that I "throw the eating disorder in people's faces." Well-- essentially.  I'm paraphrasing of course, but the general idea is I'm "too much" with it.  It's bothersome to people how open I am.

(Insert sarcasm tone here) I can absolutely see why people feel this way.  Anorexia is by far, the glamorous life.  I mean who wouldn't want to have an eating disorder right?  This pretty much sums up how awesome Anorexia is:

I mean, come on?  Are you fucking kidding me?  So, Anorexia 201 focus on the following: if you're uptight and uncomfortable about it, I AM GOING TO BE UPTIGHT AND UNCOMFORTABLE. Yes, so if I talk about Barbie (which is a name I really only use when I'm alone or writing this blog), it's ok to laugh if I make a joke.  It's ok to ask a question.  It's ok to give me a sympathetic look.

It's not ok to:

1. ...feel badly for me
2. ...mistake my honesty for attention
3. ...assume I am NOT in recovery.  I will be in recovery for the rest of my life
4. ...think this isn't real-- it's very real.  I have a husband, therapist and friends who can attest to the pain they have endured
5. ...ignore it's existence
6. ...assume this is my identity
7. ....think this is a phase

So, I guess what I'm saying is this:

Alright, I suppose that's pretty much in your face but here's the thing, I don't fucking care.  If you don't like that I talk about Barbie, simple, don't talk to me.  I'm not going to pretend that Barbie is gone, because she'll never be gone.  She may be very quiet....  but she will always be there.  Mainly, I don't want to pretend.  Fuck close mindedness. Allowing myself to feel shame all these years contributed to low self esteem and a nearly crushing relapse.

Oh, and to those people who have taken a step back or have "disappeared" from my life since Barbie re-emerged, do me a favor and don't come back.  If you couldn't be there when I needed you, I sure as hell don't want you around me now so stay in your hole.  I only need those people who hugged me when I said I was ok but knew deep down I really wasn't. Do I have friends who DON'T read my blog?  Absolutely--- and that's fine.  Reading my blog isn't the only way to encourage my recovery..... Hugs work too.  And you know what else?  Noticing what I DID eat and not what I DID'T eat (Anorexia 101).  There are various ways to help me but to say I throw it in your face, well, that makes you weak, in my eyes. 

My favorite ignorant statement is, "She isn't that thin. She doesn't have an eating disorder.  It's all attention seeking behavior."  To that I say, simply, fuck you.  An eating disorder isn't measured by weight.  It's a mental illness.  If I could choose to think I wasn't fat and worthless, why wouldn't I? One of the most amazing quotes I've ever read is by Ralph Waldo Emerson and it can apply to anything: What You Do Speaks So Loud That I Cannot Hear What You Say.  Powerful words.

I am better today because I am open about my eating disorder.  I discuss it in normal everyday conversation because it is a part of my normal everyday life.  At 37 years old, most of the people around me are roughly the same age and when I get upset about how I've lost friends or why someone may be uptight, I hear the same reason, "They just don't know how to act."  Well, bull-fucking-shit.  You're an adult, figure it out.  If my friendship means anything to you, turn on the computer and Google EDNOS.  My philosophy is, if I'm open about it, then there is no reason for you to be uncomfortable.  I'm fighting EVERY DAY to be healthy and if you can't loosen up about it, or learn to talk to me about it, then please don't talk to me.

And remember:

 

Bucket List 2012

I haven't been writing much in the way of my blog but mostly because I've been focusing more on my novel.  In an effort to take a break from the hundreds emails that I'm wading through upon my return from vacation, I thought I'd post my current bucket list (yes, some I can check off):

1.  Write a Book
2.  Be in Disney World at Christmas time
3.  Master the Art of French cooking by Julia Child
4.  Speak French fluently
5.  Become a Probation Officer
6.  Dance under the Eiffel Tower while it twinkles

7.  Be a real Princess for a Day
8.  Sleep with Donnie Wahlberg

9.  Eat Pasta in Italy
10.  Stand Under the Hollywood sign
11.  Get my nose pierced
12.  Swim in an Infinity pool
13. Make a Wish at the Trevi Fountain
14.  Be inaccessible by computer, phone, etc for one day
15.  Visit CoCo Chanel's apartment
16.  Battle my Eating Disorder

17.  Get a wrist tattoo
18.  See Gay Marriage legalized in all 50 states
19.  Visit the Palace at Versailles
20.  Get breast implants
21.  Be a good parent

22.  Own a Birkin Bag
23. Pay off my mom's house
24. Move to a different country
25 Take a world cruise on the Queen Mary
26. Ice Skate in Central Park
27. Go to a Drive in Movie
28. See the Statue of Liberty
29. Go on a No Budget Shopping Spree on Fifth Avenue
30.  Take a Hot Air Balloon Ride
31.  Stay in the Suite at Cinderella's Castle
32.  Create a Popular Blog
33. Make the perfect Chocolate Souffle
34.  Go to NYC Fashion Week
35. Master photography as my hobby
36.  Finish a NYT crossword in pen from Wed- Sunday
37. Visit the Mall of America
38.  Shoot a Gun
39.  Learn to play Texas Hold Em
40.  Go on a road trip with my best friend
41. Spend a whole day in bed alone, reading
42. Go to a midnight premiere of a movie I have to see
43.  Stop caring what others think of me
44.  Pay off my law school loan debts
45. Get my Master's Degree in Criminal Justice
46.  Reach a Healthy Weight
47. Kiss a celebrity

48. Live in my dream home
49. Go to Bora Bora
50. To be able to say one day, "I made it."

Self Rescuing Princess

I've donated to others who have walked or run in the name of charity, but if you said to me that some day I would be doing the same, I'd say, "Get the fuck out of here!"  Who knew that I would ever be part of a class of citizens supported by a charitable organization?  The National Eating Disorders Association, or NEDA, helps women and men struggling/recovering from an eating disorder.  I am one of those people.  I have an eating disorder.  I am an anorexic. NEDA has taught me this addiction does not define me....  there is more to me and without the support of my family, friends, NEDA and a very, very, very patient therapist I would have never learned this about myself.

So, about six months ago, I started to fundraise for a cause which is keeping me, and many others alive.  I posted on Facebook, Twitter and even sent out emails to everyone I knew and as a result I raised $2,527.37 (and that doesn't even count the matching gifts from some of the donors!!!).  I've probably raised close to over $3000.  I was one of the top 10 (I was number 8) fundraisers.  Completely amazed and overwhelmed  by the generosity of the people in my life and clearly, being Italian, it will not be forgotten.  To give you a sense of the cost, the money I raised will help ONE person:

I drove to New York for the walk and early Sunday morning, under cloudy skies and a cool breeze, my husband and I joined the crowd.  Dressed in my sneakers (yes, I own a pair), I was ready to walk over the Brooklyn Bridge in the name of charity.  What I wasn't ready for was the overwhelming emotion I felt and the many tears I held back.  Although I should have been prepared for what I saw, I wasn't.  There were so many young girls there and while in my mind, I'm 24 my body is actually 37.  I definitely was older than the majority of the people there.  As my husband and I were walking around, checking out the booths, I stopped and spoke with one woman who said, "Are you here for your daughter?" ugh.......  Talk about a kick in the stomach.  I must have had a look of complete shock on my face because the look of sorrow in her eyes when I said, "No, I'm here for me." was enough to send chills up my spine.

Then there were the booths set up for recovery centers-- cue the knots in my stomach. Although I know I am doing better I know that I'm not doing my best.  I still fear that my husband wants me to go to treatment so I watched him closely as he looked at the different booths.  The thought of going inpatient still scares me but it doesn't scare me enough I guess because the few pounds I have gained wouldn't matter.  You know what did scare me though? This:

Powerful, right? (insert my tears here).  The opening ceremonies began and Emme, plus sized super model, Cancer survivor and all round amazing woman, kicked off the walk with a speech.  She asked us to take a moment, close our eyes and ask ourselves what brought us out here today?  In the rain.... In the cold....  Why were we here?  (insert more of my tears here).  I was here because I am a recovering anorexic.  Suddenly my eating disorder took on a reality for me.  It became something tangible.... My anorexia was no longer ED, she became Barbie (and no, it's not because of the childhood toy).  Barbie, the doll, represents childhood, happiness, and innocence and anorexia took all those things away from me so the name seemed only fitting. When I opened my eyes, I looked around at the women and noticed that even though I was older, I looked like them.  THIS is what an eating disorder truly looks like.  Anorexia isn't about weighing 70 pounds....  It's a mental disorder.

Just when I thought I was the oldest person there, I noticed a man in front of me wearing a t-shirt with the picture of a woman and her date of birth and sadly her date of death.  She was 50 years old.  What the fuck? How did that happen?  50 years old??  (insert sobs here).  My first thought was her two daughters standing there and what they say when asked, "I'm so sorry, how did your mom pass?" and them responding, "From an eating disorder."  Speaking from experience, it's never easy to lose a parent but I can only imagine it's a thousand times worse to lose someone to an addiction.  My father died of Cancer-- it was out of our control.  Anorexia, while overbearing and hard to stand up to, can be fought.  I thought of my daughter.  Could this happen to me?  Could I die at 37? 40? 50? I'm not ready to die.  It was an aha moment for me. Fuck this shit.  Fuck Barbie.  I was ready to walk.

Off we went, and even though it's sort of a running "joke," I was worried I wasn't going to be able to do the full three miles over the Brooklyn Bridge.  Hand in hand with my husband, along with 800 other people, I started walking...  I walked for the people who have died.  I walked for the people, like me, who are struggling with recovery. I walked for my daughter so that someday, she won't ever have the self hate I had for myself. My husband and I walked in silence but I couldn't speak-- which is um, rare.  This was a time of reflection for me.  Where I was, how I got here and being ok with not knowing the path I was on.  Then I looked up and saw this beautiful sight:

I was doing it.  In the rain.  Did I walk the whole three miles? No.  Did the rain stop me?  Just a little but more than the rain, my body was going into shock.  I could hear my legs saying, "Um?  Hello?  You haven't exercised in nearly two years-- are you fucking kidding us right now?" So, with a heavy heart, I turned around but I made it more than half way across the bridge and walked for a good 45 minutes, at a very slow pace. I wanted to finish, I really did but it wasn't about finishing the walk and I realized that when I got there.  It was about helping others.  It was about helping myself.

My bucket list has one less item on it now.  This was a life changing event and I will forever be proud of all my accomplishments.  See you guys in Boston!