Happy Birthday to me….
I’ve been MIA for a reason--- a good reason. Although it’s been 112 days since my last blog (yes, people have been counting), it’s been 100 days since O.A.R. (Operation Anorexia Recovery). What does this mean exactly? Well, I had an AHA! moment about 100 days ago as I was about to enter an 8 week residential treatment facility for my eating disorder. It went something like this: If I eat, I won’t have to go--- AHA! Sure, I’m over simplifying it at this point but the main objective is covered. I wasn’t going--- insurance coverage issues aside--- the thought of leaving my child for 8 weeks and then explaining to my job, yet AGAIN, why I was going on leave was too much to bear and I couldn’t. I knew I had to take back my life. And I’m proud to say that for 100 days, I have…. And I’m not stopping.
O.A.R isn’t about eating six meals or three meals a day (although to get me on my feet that’s how it started). I’m now at a point where I eat. I realized I wasn’t a calorie counter or obsessed with exercise. My goal was to see how long I could go without eating. I challenged myself on a daily basis. If I could go 24 hours, could I do 36? Could I do 48? I lived on turbo Dunkin Donuts coffee and sparkling water with about 100 calories of food thrown in sporadically. I had spiraled out of control. Every day I wake up, my goal is to NOT intentionally skip a meal. That may sound easy to some people but to me, it’s not. It’s still a challenge. Clearly there have been hiccups. In the last 100 days my life has not been drama free. As a matter of fact, it hit some pretty hard fucking lows. My record of eating isn’t perfect but I still give myself an A + for trying. Sometimes ED creeps up on you without even realizing it….. and takes control like any other addiction but instead of beating myself up for the meal I missed, I give myself credit for all the meals I didn’t miss. You can’t mark yourself as a failure or you’ll never succeed.
This wasn’t a one woman show by any means. I have support. My biggest cheerleader is my husband. He knows it hasn’t been a perfect 100 days but he knows I’ve tried my hardest to get here which was all he wanted. Seeing me try and struggle to push through the hard times has given him more satisfaction than seeing me eat. In addition to him, my friends have really supported me. There are very few and I’ve lost many, but as with any life changing event, you learn who your true friends are… It’s sad that people have distanced themselves or disappeared completely. I wish I could believe the bullshit excuse of “not everyone knows what to say/how to act/etc” but I don’t. Not at this point in our lives…. We’re not 15.
As I said, this wasn’t easy and my friends were on my ass…. How do you make sure someone eats? Easy. With the power of the iPhone, you take pictures of your meal before and after and text it to the world to prove you’ve eaten. Embarrassing? Yes. But I can’t blame anyone but myself. I acted like a 5 year old and clearly I needed to be treated like a 5 year old. I was watched like a hawk. Food was ordered for me….. Placed in front of me… I was under 24 hour watch by multiple people. And to those who did that, I love you. You know who you are. Keeping with the anonymity of this blog—I won’t share names but as you read this, you know who you are. I couldn’t have done it without you. Today I celebrate you all as well. You guys were my treatment providers.
Of course there have also been inspirational words from a certain boy band-er via Twitter that kept me motivated (no, I’m not delusional. I don’t think they were solely meant for me). It amazes me that through the power of technology you can reach hundreds of thousands of people who you don’t even know and can affect their life.
How do I feel? Physically I am at a 6 but mentally I’m at a 3. I’m working really hard at it though. My clothes are tighter and it’s difficult to process but one step at a time. I’m not going to be able to go from being a double 00 to a 2 and not have issues with it. Sounds ridiculous to some but it’s very real to me. It’s no party and I know others are envious of my size but the grass is always greener on the other side. It’s not easy to process—and I don’t expect anyone to understand, but gaining weight will forever be a cross to bear and I am going to have my ups and downs. I look better but the physical toll of the eating disorder has done damage and I’m still trying to gain energy back. I know that with any recovery, it’s going to take time.
So, here I am, 100 days into O.A.R. I’ve become active in the NEDA (National Eating Disorders Association) and I plan to walk for the charity in New York City in October. I’ve raised some money and hope to raise more as I get closer to the walk date (….being Italian, if certain people in my life don’t come through, I will forgive but never forget. I’m just saying… I’m charitable and understanding to a point). Most asked question: Are you happy? Honestly, no. No one is happy giving up an addiction and trying to live their life in a new way. As part of my recovery, I hope to become happy and I know I will but right now, I miss it. Yes, 100 days is a long time but to someone living it, it’s not. I’m working towards a goal of being healthy because yes, I have an eating disorder and no, I can’t just get over it (great quote).
Why am I doing this if I’m not 100% happy, healthy and excited? Well, that answer is easy…. In the words of a wise man: BECAUSE I DESERVE IT.
