Nothing gives me more enjoyment than being suggested a blog topic. Recently, I've had a few friends go through a traumatic experience- "The Best Friend Breakup." I am a survivor of this..... going on 8 years now. In order to share my thoughts on the process, I need to share my story. Hopefully it's easy to follow because there are still those around me who don't get it. Since I NEVER use names on this blog, I will refer to my ex-best friend as "Douche Bag"-- or just DB for short.
DB and I met in high school. He sat directly behind me in homeroom and it was an instant bond of freshman friendship. Over the course of 4 years we were pretty much known as one person (ie- like "Bennifer"). You didn't see one without the other-- if you did, it was very rarely. By the time college came around, we decided to go to the same school and requested to live in the same dorm on the same floor. He was, what I thought, the best friend a girl could ever have. Then WWIII took place the end of Freshman year and we ceased speaking until my father passed, senior year of college. Things took a turn at that point.....
While we had the services for my dad, DB was somewhere out of the country. When he returned, he called my mom and wanted to pay his respects. That night, which i still remember vividly, changed how we saw each other. We grew, we matured, and then before we knew it, we fell in "love." The love part didn't last very long. We were in a legitimate relationship for almost 2 years out of the 15 years of friendship we had. After he broke up with me, I struggled with jealousy issues/loss but we maintained a friendship. Over time, contrary to what DB would say, I moved on and was satisfied with our friendship.
It was during this time- over a 5 year period, we began to drift apart. It was painful. I would come home from nights out with him, whether at dinner or a movie, feeling like a big fat pile of shit. He would make comments, in a joking way, but they cut like a knife. He was quick. He knew what buttons to push. At first I thought little of it but it started to happen more and more. Then I realized I was becoming a nasty bitch back. We had some good times in between but, there wasn't enough to sustain the friendship.
I remember the day clearly, sitting in my kitchen, which he helped me paint. Discussing that this friendship had run it's course and the feeling was surprisingly mutual. At the time, he was on the verge of proposing and I was dating someone. We had no room in each other's life. It was a sad day. I cried and cried and cried.
Fast forward 8 years. Do I miss him? Absolutely but I miss the person he was, the times we had. Not what he became. Breaking up a friendship is like breaking up a relationship. There's a grieving process you go through. I've helped several people go through this... You need to be sad first but now, here I am older and wiser. I see what real friendships are. There has been a friend in my life for 25 years. I know she will be there for another 25. We've had ups and downs but she accepts me with ALL my faults. And vice versa. She loves me unconditionally--- that never happened with DB. I found myself constantly doing things to please him. She doesn't live in the same state as me, has a pretty important high executive job, 2 kids and a husband--- but I still feel a priority in her life. Do I hear from her every day? no, but whats most important is when I DO need her, she's there-- without hesitation, without judgment, without complaints.
DB is he opposite of her. In every way possible. I see clearly now what a good friend is, what a best friend is. Looking back, DB was none of those things. I always said he loved the way he looked in my eyes. I inflated his ego-- without anything in return. When you realize that someone makes you feel bad, especially a friend, at our age why would you keep them around? True friendship is a partnership like a marriage. You need to be able to count on your friends the way they can count on you.
I still don't have the closure I need with DB, who I still see occasionally. He acts mature and decides to look at me and ignore me--- which is a perfect testament of what he really is. His wife looks at me, smiles and I can tell that it's awkward for her too. I often wonder if I'll get closure. If you were to ask me what that consists of, I don't think I could tell you. I do know that I'd love to hear "I'm sorry for being a douche" but that's never going to happen. I don't want there to be any misconceptions--- I was pretty rotten and regret saying many things. On a scale of 1-10, I was at a 7 and he was a 9. We could battle better than the women on The View.
In the end, my life is better without him. Turns out, most of my friends didn't like him. My husband would have hands down hated him... And I can't think of anything good about him being in my life. Like I said, towards the end, it was all about him and never, ever about me (although if you tracked DB down, he'd disagree). We had a lot of good times-- and I'll never forget them but most of all, I'll never forget all the times he MADE me cry. Who needs that?
Point of Interest: DB is an only child.
