Sunday turned into a day of anxiety having to deal with family members that make me uncomfortable but I survived. Then it started yesterday.... I really began to feel irritable. Again, I thought perhaps it was PMS but I'm still a week away and honestly, if I get my period now that I'm off the Pill, I'll be shocked.
So, today, I got up. Dealt with a moody toddler, realized dry cleaning lost EVEN MORE of my clothes and then tragedy struck. As I was getting ready for work, I couldn't button my pants. My size 2 pants. It put me over the edge. I haven't been able to concentrate on much more than that. I shouldn't say they didn't fit, because they did but not the same way as they have always fit. It was nearly heart stopping for me. I was now in a REALLY bad mood. Anyway who was about to come into contact with me was fucked. I was beyond irritated. To be honest, I was sad. I was angry. I was disappointed. What happened? How much did I eat this weekend? Is this what recovery is like because I'm all fucking set.
To make matters worse, I was walking into work when I fell. My bags got caught up in the door and I wiped out on both knees. Now, for most people, that wouldn't be a big deal but for someone in my condition, it is. I'm very fortunate that I didn't break anything considering that my bones are probably in distress. My knees are swollen and I am in a lot of pain. Fortunately I have bosses who convinced me to go home, but not until I heard the whispers and the shit being said behind my back. Because let's face it, that's what happens.
On my way into work, I told a friend that I feel like the guy in Saw. The one who is trapped in a room and needs to saw his own leg off to get out. That's my job in a nutshell. Regardless.... the falling is happening alot. The forgetfulness. The confusion. It's not getting any better and even though my pants may say differently, I think it's attributed to not eating enough. I'm back to square one.
I can't work. I'm struggling everyday to get the minimum done. Its all smoke and mirrors because my bosses are very pleased with my work-- right now. But I'm barely keeping my head above water. There are two reasons for that: 1) ED and 2) I'm too worried about what's being done, said, etc behind my back at work. Neither of which is out of control.
Sitting at home right now, I could go to sleep and not wake up for weeks. I am so fucking tired. It's partly ED and partly because I am a full time working mom. I want so badly to have energy to do more.... but if it means I can't fit in my pants, I don't know if I am ready for that. Clearly something has to be done-- but I know I sound like a broken fucking record. I see I need help, I admit it but do jack shit about it.
...just wondering when I'm going to hit that bottom.
