Everyone has that one person in their family known as "the shit stirrer." These delightful family members are the ones who love to spread gossip, maliciously whether true or not. Most of the time it is exaggerated in order to drum up unnecessary drama and conflict. I used to have a similar family member which we all tolerated. Unfortunately, they are also a source of useful information. Although they may slightly embellish the story to give it more oomph, they have the basic facts and surrounding circumstances pretty accurate.
Being Italian, there are two things I look for in friends (as well as when I was looking to meet the right guy): loyalty and respect. Sadly, as important as these attributes may be to me, it is not always a guarantee that you are going to gain in laws with such admirable traits. Obviously, if I am writing about it- I ended up with some shitty fucking in laws.
My husband comes from a very large and interestingly diverse family. For the most part, I adore his parents and even the majority of his siblings but there always ends up being one rotten apple in the bunch. It was very recently brought to my attention that one of his siblings called me a cunt. (This was said to the shit stirrer and has circulated through a semi gossip mill.) Yup, you heard me right. A cunt. Its not a pretty word to type or even a pretty word to read. Now, I freely admit there is no love there..... This family member, their spouse and I have never seen eye to eye on many things: morals, responsibility or even the qualities of a good human being. Essentially, they go against any and all semblance of what a basically good person is. Over the years, in addition to this colorful description, I have been accused of breaking down the relationship my husband has with them. Um, ok.... it has nothing to do with the fact that you are a complete douchebag but everything to do with the plotting and scheming i stay up into the wee hours planning to tear these two apart. Give me a fucking break.
Now, I have this information but have given my word to not confront the sibling at hand. Yet, what do I do with this information? ....nothing. I wait until the perfect moment. Everything comes full circle in life and like Oprah, I don't believe in coincidences. I believe there is a divine "intervention." I hate to use that term in quotes because I'm not especially religious. This will come back, and smack them in the face like a brick. It may not be what they said, it may just be karma, but I know they'll get theirs. I know the underlying element is their insane jealousy for what seems to be the perfect life that my husband and I live. I've said this before, the walls on the inside have been cracking--- we just have chose to keep it private (aside from the public blog that is). Not that they would give a shit- believe me. They are the type to revel in our misery.... and would enjoy the suffering of my restrictive eating.... because again, they are not good human beings. Let's say the concept of paying it forward isn't their mantra. Theirs is more--- how much can I sponge off of this person emotionally and financially.
An event is rapidly approaching where most of the siblings will be together--- at my house. This summer BBQ is causing anxiety for several reasons: an abundance of food, seeing family that I haven't seen anywhere from 6-9 months who will notice I am 25 lbs lighter than the last time they saw me and now, in addition to that, I am welcoming people into my home who believe I am a CUNT. This is being downplayed by my husband, and others, as it's all hearsay. I don't give a fuck what it is--- all I can be sure of is this is a possibility which is enough to cause anxiety levels to rise to the point of restricting food (I am still a work in progress).
I refuse to be uncomfortable in my own home and have decided, in the most Italian way possible, these people are dead to me. I refuse to lose another moment's happiness over them. It's been a long 7 years of me taking the high road for the sake of the rest of my in laws. I will not and should not do it anymore. I am in control of me. I have the power. No one can fight my battles for me and I need to face this head on... I am in a new place in my life and there is no room for them (literally and figuratively). They are not a good influence on my child, nor do they emanate positive energy to be around. My husband, as much as he loves to hear about the drama, refuses to take part in it so I am on my own in the way of defending myself. Again, the power lies within me to take control of how I want this to go. The concept of respect and loyalty is downplayed in his mind. For him, it's all about just ignoring it and letting it go. So, I will....
Essentially this means no more contact. I won't make my husband choose--- he can continue to maintain a relationship but I will not attend a birthday, a holiday or special occasion ever again. Although I rather my daughter not either, i don't feel it fair to make that decision myself. As she gets older, she will eventually see these people for who they really are and I have full confidence she won't want to be around them either.... In all honesty, my husband doesn't really want to be around them either but he does because, well, it's family...... at least I guess that's why. Nothing else makes sense to me.
It feels good to get it off my chest and until there is a reason to let these people back into my circle of trust, it feels good to let go.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
Can Someone Stop This Ride So I Can Get Off
This blog initially started as a way to write about dealing with the struggles I faced while dealing with my mom's illness and recovery. Instead it's became a literary journey of how I am beginning to change as a person and finally face my struggles head on. I've lost sight of the original purpose--- but with good reason.
I've received many inquiries about how my mom is doing. It's a difficult question to answer.... Very difficult. Now I am at the point that i don't want to jinx anything so I may stop answering the question forever. I was most recently asked over the weekend by a good friend and told her that my mom was doing amazing. She's become more active and seems to be regaining strength every day. But, after seeing her yesterday, it's not true. She may have taken one step forward but she has taken 3 steps back.
Over the past few weeks, she was going out more-- even dining out which was amazing. Father's Day she attended brunch with my stepfather, husband, daughter and me. It was the first time the five of us had been in a restaurant together in well over a year. It was a great day. To be honest, it was indescribable. She looked beautiful and full of life. Throughout the week when I spoke with her, she sounded good. She was excited to be going to dinner for her anniversary to one of her favorite places.... I started to feel like I could really breathe again. It's been almost a year since the Cancer diagnosis and about 9 months since she's been Cancer free. I was convinced things were getting better.
Yesterday, my daughter and I visited her. My mom looked terrible. Just terrible. I was uncomfortable the entire time I was there. I spoke with her a few times over the week and as the weekend approached, I didn't hear from her much but assumed (wrongly) that she was out but that we'd catch up on Sunday. Sunday afternoon I called her and asked how she was and if she was up for a visit (my 2 year old wears ME out so I can only imagine what she does to my mom who doesn't have all her stamina back yet). Although she said yes, I sensed differently but went against my better judgment because I wanted her to see my daughter. Sometimes I feel that she is the only reason that she finds to live. I also wanted to see my mom--- it's no secret that she and I are close.
But it's getting harder and harder to watch. I become angry then guilty for feeling such anger. Not surprisingly, since yesterday my appetite has waned even more. I've decided for my own mental health, I really need to stop going to there until she gets her shit together and feels good. Clearly she isn't going to be honest about it. I suppose I can go back to just called my step father on the sly--- find out what the deal is and then make a decision from there. I don't know.... Being in my partial program has taught me to that I should remove myself from an uncomfortable situation. Why create extra anxiety? Why worry about the what ifs? Clearly that gets me fucking no where.
In the meantime, when someone asks how she's doing, my response is going to be a generic "fine" and leave it at that. I love her so much and I have had more glimpses into the mom I remember than the mom she was becoming, so that's a positive. This journey seems to be getting longer and longer. I can't help but think she pushes herself to hard to get better and it backfires. Yesterday was miserable. I felt unwelcome in my mom's house.... MY house for the first time ever. I couldn't wait to leave. There was this overwhelming feeling that she really wanted to be left alone to rest--- which is fine. I just wish she would tell me.
Protecting me for fear of the consequences doesn't help. I'm still restricting food (yet not losing weight-- ugh) so being clandestine about how she physically feels isn't really helping anyone. She's sure as hell not protecting me at this point. While I still care, I can't get caught up in it and it's an inner power struggle that I try to manage.... I thought I was doing really well, but I guess like my mom, I'm doing fine.
I've received many inquiries about how my mom is doing. It's a difficult question to answer.... Very difficult. Now I am at the point that i don't want to jinx anything so I may stop answering the question forever. I was most recently asked over the weekend by a good friend and told her that my mom was doing amazing. She's become more active and seems to be regaining strength every day. But, after seeing her yesterday, it's not true. She may have taken one step forward but she has taken 3 steps back.
Over the past few weeks, she was going out more-- even dining out which was amazing. Father's Day she attended brunch with my stepfather, husband, daughter and me. It was the first time the five of us had been in a restaurant together in well over a year. It was a great day. To be honest, it was indescribable. She looked beautiful and full of life. Throughout the week when I spoke with her, she sounded good. She was excited to be going to dinner for her anniversary to one of her favorite places.... I started to feel like I could really breathe again. It's been almost a year since the Cancer diagnosis and about 9 months since she's been Cancer free. I was convinced things were getting better.
Yesterday, my daughter and I visited her. My mom looked terrible. Just terrible. I was uncomfortable the entire time I was there. I spoke with her a few times over the week and as the weekend approached, I didn't hear from her much but assumed (wrongly) that she was out but that we'd catch up on Sunday. Sunday afternoon I called her and asked how she was and if she was up for a visit (my 2 year old wears ME out so I can only imagine what she does to my mom who doesn't have all her stamina back yet). Although she said yes, I sensed differently but went against my better judgment because I wanted her to see my daughter. Sometimes I feel that she is the only reason that she finds to live. I also wanted to see my mom--- it's no secret that she and I are close.
But it's getting harder and harder to watch. I become angry then guilty for feeling such anger. Not surprisingly, since yesterday my appetite has waned even more. I've decided for my own mental health, I really need to stop going to there until she gets her shit together and feels good. Clearly she isn't going to be honest about it. I suppose I can go back to just called my step father on the sly--- find out what the deal is and then make a decision from there. I don't know.... Being in my partial program has taught me to that I should remove myself from an uncomfortable situation. Why create extra anxiety? Why worry about the what ifs? Clearly that gets me fucking no where.
In the meantime, when someone asks how she's doing, my response is going to be a generic "fine" and leave it at that. I love her so much and I have had more glimpses into the mom I remember than the mom she was becoming, so that's a positive. This journey seems to be getting longer and longer. I can't help but think she pushes herself to hard to get better and it backfires. Yesterday was miserable. I felt unwelcome in my mom's house.... MY house for the first time ever. I couldn't wait to leave. There was this overwhelming feeling that she really wanted to be left alone to rest--- which is fine. I just wish she would tell me.
Protecting me for fear of the consequences doesn't help. I'm still restricting food (yet not losing weight-- ugh) so being clandestine about how she physically feels isn't really helping anyone. She's sure as hell not protecting me at this point. While I still care, I can't get caught up in it and it's an inner power struggle that I try to manage.... I thought I was doing really well, but I guess like my mom, I'm doing fine.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Dream Dictionary Would Be Helpful
Ugh, against my better judgment, I have decided to write about DB (see previous posts). There has been a trending problem since our friendship dissolved-- the nightmares. I really, really hate to even write about him but this blog has become so cathartic for me that perhaps a short blog on this will help me since last night I had a pretty disturbing nightmare. Brief recap: DB and I met when we were 13, instant best friends for years, dated about 2 years in our twenties, broke up, but remained friends until it became impossible. We're both now married, with children and out of each other's life for good. There was a mutual agreement to that about 8 years ago.
All that being said, since the split, from time to time I have had horrible nightmares. They all basically consist of the same premise: in the dream he and I know we aren't friends and time has passed since we've seen each other last. What does change from time to time is our interaction. Sometimes we reconcile and have a love fest of how much we missed each other and glad that we are back in one another's life. Or, as in last night's case, we fight like cats and dogs the same way we did when the friendship was hanging on by a thread. In each case, the dream wakes me up, startled and in tears. Last night was no different.
These dreams bother me on so many levels that I don't even know where to begin. First, I hate that he's still on my mind because I know that I'm not on his. Clearly I need closure here, even though I thought I had it. When we mutually agreed to never speak again, it was a calm conversation while sitting at my kitchen table. We hugged and kissed good bye. Wished each other well and that was it. Um, looks like closure to me, right? Starting to think no.
Second, I am disturbed to the point of nausea that I may actually still miss him in my life. I tell myself that I miss the times we had and the person he was but that's it-- right? I know for a fact, he and my husband would not get along. My husband would HATE him. Of course, he would be bias due to all the stories I've told him but I know there would be a strong personality clash. I never share good stories with my husband, even though there are many. Mostly because we did date and it's just weird. It's funny because I am "friends" with some exes, and my husband knows that and is perfectly ok with it. But, if DB and I reconnected, there would be problems. I know there would.
I know that in the relationship aspect, I'm over him. He would deny it and never believe it- but that's his ego. His ego is SUPER big. Sometimes, there wasn't enough space for him, his ego and me in the same room. Sadly, from what I her from mutual acquaintances (yes, we have mutual friends but never see each other), that hasn't changed. Did we have good time as a couple? Sure but we had better times as best friends. Those are what I miss. The dreams never relate to a romantic relationship but more of the friendship we once had. I trusted him implicitly and he broke my heart. I haven't been able to trust since we disconnected. So, in essence: pre-DB friends are ok, post DB friends are always on the fringe and can be cut at anytime. I guess I can thank him for that.... so, DB, if you see this, thanks for fucking me up more than you already did.
As I said, I hate to even give this asshole any attention but last night's dream was disturbing and woke me up in tears. I don't know why it continues to happen. It's not frequent but, once I have one, I have them for a few nights in a row. Makes sense because he's on my mind so why wouldn't I dream about him. Ugh.Makes me so angry. I just know he has hasn't looked back once and it bothers me that I have. I wish I knew why I cared so much about what he thinks and if I've crossed his mind.... but maybe there was no closure.
Our paths have crossed several times since that day we wished one another luck in their future. Do you know how he handles it? By ignoring me and pretending not to see me. After 14 years of friendship, he pretends NOT to see me. Fucker. That shit really irritates me. Beyond any explanation. He may not want to be friends but I'm still a human being, and if he is as nice and as changed a person as he claims to be (from what I've been told), he would be a tad more magnanimous when we see one other. I suppose I could break the ice and say hi, but I always feel as though if I do, I'm setting myself up for disappointment.
A dear friend of mine once posted an anonymous quote:
"There comes a a point in your life when you realize who matters, who
never did, who won't anymore and who always will. So don't worry
about people from your past, there's a reason why they didn't make
your future."
I think of this quote often when DB comes to mind.... I also share it with those who are experiencing conflicts with a loved on in their life. I try to convince them of how true this is, but I haven't been able to convince myself. Perhaps one day......
All that being said, since the split, from time to time I have had horrible nightmares. They all basically consist of the same premise: in the dream he and I know we aren't friends and time has passed since we've seen each other last. What does change from time to time is our interaction. Sometimes we reconcile and have a love fest of how much we missed each other and glad that we are back in one another's life. Or, as in last night's case, we fight like cats and dogs the same way we did when the friendship was hanging on by a thread. In each case, the dream wakes me up, startled and in tears. Last night was no different.
These dreams bother me on so many levels that I don't even know where to begin. First, I hate that he's still on my mind because I know that I'm not on his. Clearly I need closure here, even though I thought I had it. When we mutually agreed to never speak again, it was a calm conversation while sitting at my kitchen table. We hugged and kissed good bye. Wished each other well and that was it. Um, looks like closure to me, right? Starting to think no.
Second, I am disturbed to the point of nausea that I may actually still miss him in my life. I tell myself that I miss the times we had and the person he was but that's it-- right? I know for a fact, he and my husband would not get along. My husband would HATE him. Of course, he would be bias due to all the stories I've told him but I know there would be a strong personality clash. I never share good stories with my husband, even though there are many. Mostly because we did date and it's just weird. It's funny because I am "friends" with some exes, and my husband knows that and is perfectly ok with it. But, if DB and I reconnected, there would be problems. I know there would.
I know that in the relationship aspect, I'm over him. He would deny it and never believe it- but that's his ego. His ego is SUPER big. Sometimes, there wasn't enough space for him, his ego and me in the same room. Sadly, from what I her from mutual acquaintances (yes, we have mutual friends but never see each other), that hasn't changed. Did we have good time as a couple? Sure but we had better times as best friends. Those are what I miss. The dreams never relate to a romantic relationship but more of the friendship we once had. I trusted him implicitly and he broke my heart. I haven't been able to trust since we disconnected. So, in essence: pre-DB friends are ok, post DB friends are always on the fringe and can be cut at anytime. I guess I can thank him for that.... so, DB, if you see this, thanks for fucking me up more than you already did.
As I said, I hate to even give this asshole any attention but last night's dream was disturbing and woke me up in tears. I don't know why it continues to happen. It's not frequent but, once I have one, I have them for a few nights in a row. Makes sense because he's on my mind so why wouldn't I dream about him. Ugh.Makes me so angry. I just know he has hasn't looked back once and it bothers me that I have. I wish I knew why I cared so much about what he thinks and if I've crossed his mind.... but maybe there was no closure.
Our paths have crossed several times since that day we wished one another luck in their future. Do you know how he handles it? By ignoring me and pretending not to see me. After 14 years of friendship, he pretends NOT to see me. Fucker. That shit really irritates me. Beyond any explanation. He may not want to be friends but I'm still a human being, and if he is as nice and as changed a person as he claims to be (from what I've been told), he would be a tad more magnanimous when we see one other. I suppose I could break the ice and say hi, but I always feel as though if I do, I'm setting myself up for disappointment.
A dear friend of mine once posted an anonymous quote:
"There comes a a point in your life when you realize who matters, who
never did, who won't anymore and who always will. So don't worry
about people from your past, there's a reason why they didn't make
your future."
I think of this quote often when DB comes to mind.... I also share it with those who are experiencing conflicts with a loved on in their life. I try to convince them of how true this is, but I haven't been able to convince myself. Perhaps one day......
Thursday, June 16, 2011
What's a Grace without a Will?
It so happens that gay pride month is the same month of my best friend's birthday. I should mention the significance of this is the fact that he's gay. Since I never use names, we'll just call him Will. June has always been dubbed "Will Appreciation Month." Obviously a birthday celebration shouldn't last just ONE day.... and the concept of an entire month of appreciation was his idea. Of course, being an only child who had birthday extravaganza's every year, I decided to adopt this way of thinking.
Per usual I am late with his birthday present but I spent a great deal of time thinking about it, and have finally come up with the perfect gift. At least I hope he thinks so. In addition to the gift itself, I sort of thought I would take the opportunity to write a blog not necessarily about Will specifically, but why EVERY Grace (me) needs a Will in her life. Will and I have been friends for 17 years. Yes, there have been ups and downs. A few heated arguments and even periods of separation (although brief, painful nonetheless). We were Will and Grace before there was a Will and Grace.
Finally, there came a point in our lives where our dream was to be fulfilled--- we were moving in together (again, this was before it became hip to live with your gay best friend). Will isn't a stereotypical gay man-- by that I mean, when you say the word gay man, usually Liberace or more recently, Christian Soriano come to mind. He's like neither. But, they won't take his rainbow card away because he does maintain some of the traits of a gay man (well dressed, well coiffed and well versed in "Mommie Dearest"). Living together was the best 2.5 years of my life-- whether or not he knows it.
Anyway, I decided to put together a top 10 list of why every Grace Needs a Will. I love lists and it's the best way to express myself. As usual, I'll start in reverse.
10. Good for the ego--- Will constantly tells me how beautiful I am, how chic I am, how I'm working it... I love it.
9. Honest when shopping--- Will has no problem telling me something looks bad on me before I make a horrendous mistake on a purchase that will no doubt sit in my closet.
8. Enjoys chick flicks--- We've watched Steel Magnolias, Fried Green Tomatoes and Mommie Dearest countless times.
7. Perpetual date-- I always had a wedding date, formal date, valentine, and so on even if he was dating someone. There was no jealousy.
6. Gay clubs/bars-- it's a place where you can go, dressed up in the shortest skirt and highest heels and NOT get hit on by creepy guys. It's all about going out and having fun without douchebags bothering you. The one draw back is, no one is buying you drinks.
5. Mutual love of hot men--- I know, stereotypical but one of favorite past times is to people watch and check out guys together. Again, there's no competition.
4. Drama -- there is not a gay man on the planet that does not have drama following him in some capacity. It makes my life seem a great deal more interesting when Will has drama going on in his life. It's exciting and invigorating with all the "No he did not" or "Are you EVEN kidding me right now?" which comes out of our mouths
3. Clean Bathrooms--- when we lived together, he bleached the entire bathroom down daily. It was awesome. He was worried about water bugs and made sure he killed that shit with the bleach. Gay men don't like bugs.... It's a nice thing. Aside from that, the seat was never up. There were never drops of urine on the seat. It was just pristine (as pristine as it could be for a bathroom in Queens).
2. Loyalty - every true Will is loyal to his Grace. Although mine has tried to find "psuedo-Graces" to hang out with since we live miles and miles and miles apart, he hasn't been able to find one. I haven't even attempted to search for a "psuedo Will." No one will even come close to him, so why waste my time? Eventually he'll figure that out. I choose just to be lonely.
1. Love- Hands down it's a special love/bond that I don't think can ever sever. He fulfills my needs in ways my female friends can't or my husband. It's not a brother/sister love--- I think it runs deeper than that. We "get" each other. There is a chemistry and a connection that I've never found with anyone else. I think the closest analogy would be what twins feel. It's funny because somehow, even though he is miles away, if I am having a really bad day or something is going on, I'll randomly get a phone call or a text. Almost as if he knew some how. Gay Man-Straigh Woman love is unique. I feel blessed to have it.
Willl is extraordinary, no doubt but no one is perfect. Again, we've had our moments. I may not always agree with him, but I support him and vice versa. I know I can count on him.... I've been able to do that for 17 years now, which is almost half my life. I can't imagine how these last 17years would have been without him in it. He's been there through the death of my father, my first round at beating anorexia, my difficulty to conceive and now--- when I seem to need him most as I battle this addiction to restricting food all over again. He never leaves me--- he may get mad at me, but he never leaves me. I'm sure there are many friends out there like this but, again, I think this type of relationship is unique.
I've learned a great deal being his friend and sharing his struggles. I hope he has too.
Happy Birthday Will. I love you.
Per usual I am late with his birthday present but I spent a great deal of time thinking about it, and have finally come up with the perfect gift. At least I hope he thinks so. In addition to the gift itself, I sort of thought I would take the opportunity to write a blog not necessarily about Will specifically, but why EVERY Grace (me) needs a Will in her life. Will and I have been friends for 17 years. Yes, there have been ups and downs. A few heated arguments and even periods of separation (although brief, painful nonetheless). We were Will and Grace before there was a Will and Grace.
Finally, there came a point in our lives where our dream was to be fulfilled--- we were moving in together (again, this was before it became hip to live with your gay best friend). Will isn't a stereotypical gay man-- by that I mean, when you say the word gay man, usually Liberace or more recently, Christian Soriano come to mind. He's like neither. But, they won't take his rainbow card away because he does maintain some of the traits of a gay man (well dressed, well coiffed and well versed in "Mommie Dearest"). Living together was the best 2.5 years of my life-- whether or not he knows it.
Anyway, I decided to put together a top 10 list of why every Grace Needs a Will. I love lists and it's the best way to express myself. As usual, I'll start in reverse.
10. Good for the ego--- Will constantly tells me how beautiful I am, how chic I am, how I'm working it... I love it.
9. Honest when shopping--- Will has no problem telling me something looks bad on me before I make a horrendous mistake on a purchase that will no doubt sit in my closet.
8. Enjoys chick flicks--- We've watched Steel Magnolias, Fried Green Tomatoes and Mommie Dearest countless times.
7. Perpetual date-- I always had a wedding date, formal date, valentine, and so on even if he was dating someone. There was no jealousy.
6. Gay clubs/bars-- it's a place where you can go, dressed up in the shortest skirt and highest heels and NOT get hit on by creepy guys. It's all about going out and having fun without douchebags bothering you. The one draw back is, no one is buying you drinks.
5. Mutual love of hot men--- I know, stereotypical but one of favorite past times is to people watch and check out guys together. Again, there's no competition.
4. Drama -- there is not a gay man on the planet that does not have drama following him in some capacity. It makes my life seem a great deal more interesting when Will has drama going on in his life. It's exciting and invigorating with all the "No he did not" or "Are you EVEN kidding me right now?" which comes out of our mouths
3. Clean Bathrooms--- when we lived together, he bleached the entire bathroom down daily. It was awesome. He was worried about water bugs and made sure he killed that shit with the bleach. Gay men don't like bugs.... It's a nice thing. Aside from that, the seat was never up. There were never drops of urine on the seat. It was just pristine (as pristine as it could be for a bathroom in Queens).
2. Loyalty - every true Will is loyal to his Grace. Although mine has tried to find "psuedo-Graces" to hang out with since we live miles and miles and miles apart, he hasn't been able to find one. I haven't even attempted to search for a "psuedo Will." No one will even come close to him, so why waste my time? Eventually he'll figure that out. I choose just to be lonely.
1. Love- Hands down it's a special love/bond that I don't think can ever sever. He fulfills my needs in ways my female friends can't or my husband. It's not a brother/sister love--- I think it runs deeper than that. We "get" each other. There is a chemistry and a connection that I've never found with anyone else. I think the closest analogy would be what twins feel. It's funny because somehow, even though he is miles away, if I am having a really bad day or something is going on, I'll randomly get a phone call or a text. Almost as if he knew some how. Gay Man-Straigh Woman love is unique. I feel blessed to have it.
Willl is extraordinary, no doubt but no one is perfect. Again, we've had our moments. I may not always agree with him, but I support him and vice versa. I know I can count on him.... I've been able to do that for 17 years now, which is almost half my life. I can't imagine how these last 17years would have been without him in it. He's been there through the death of my father, my first round at beating anorexia, my difficulty to conceive and now--- when I seem to need him most as I battle this addiction to restricting food all over again. He never leaves me--- he may get mad at me, but he never leaves me. I'm sure there are many friends out there like this but, again, I think this type of relationship is unique.
I've learned a great deal being his friend and sharing his struggles. I hope he has too.
Happy Birthday Will. I love you.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Why Don't I Want to Eat?
As I was sitting doing GRE prep work on vocabulary (which I was kicking ass at), I was suddenly disturbed by the ringing of my phone. Since I have caller ID, I knew it was a friend and welcomed the distraction. In the first 5 minutes, per usual, he was circling around in a conversation not making much sense and I finally asked him if he was calling for a legitimate reason. That was my first mistake. He was calling to place a little wager..... Although the terms are sketchy (meaning, there doesn't seem to be prize for the winner or consequence for the loser) I humored him and agreed to it. The bet: I have until July 31 to put on 3 lbs. I laughed out loud and continue to laugh to myself. Clearly people just don't get it. This was pretty much the straw to break the proverbial camel's back. Ironically enough, my husband and I discussed my issues with eating last night since the workshop I participate in was very triggering yesterday. But, I'll assume he didn't talk to my husband and this is coming from general concern.
Let me preface my rant by saying this first: I know that each and every statement about my weight (or lack thereof) is coming from a place of love and concern for my overall well being. I'm not angry at all. I know people are worried but what is starting to worry me more is the ignorance of my disease. I was told by one of the many psychiatric treaters I have that I needed to put on 3 lbs before returning to work, well, turns out I weigh less now than when I went out on leave. Concerning, yes but we'll get to that later. In the last week I've been (in addition to the wager), the following has occurred:
1. You need to eat
2. Eat some baby back ribs
3. Just go to Coldstone
4. You're a stick!
5. You are so thin! Are you like that on purpose?
6. Eat more protein
7. Chow down on Big Macs
Of course these are in addition to the calls wherein I am asked, "What did you eat today?" Again, the ignorance is starting to grate on my nerves. I understand not everyone knows what to say. There isn't really a book of etiquette when it comes to dealing with a close friend/family member battling an eating disorder. If there is, please let me know so I can give them out as Christmas presents. In the mean time, here's the deal:
I DON'T WANT TO EAT
I know it's hard to believe it's that simple, but it truly is. So telling me to eat or what to eat isn't helping me, although I know where you're all coming from. As my husband says, "You're fucked." And in it's simplest form, I am because I don't want to eat. I wish I knew why I didn't want to eat. I am hoping one of my treating professionals can tell me and we can work on it. But, instead I'm setting goal weights for myself. So, sure, I have this wager but it's not incentive to eat. It's funny, in a sick twisted way, but the longer you go without eating, the easier it is NOT to eat. I've spiraled so far out of control that I don't even know how or why this started. I just know that I'm not ready to give up.
Do I eat? Yes. Anorexics do eat. In most cases, they eat every day (as do I). It's just what we eat. I physically cannot handle too large a meal. I get so grossly ill that it's not worth it to me. For some reason, I do better at eating when we're out in a restaurant. I don't know why but it's something my husband has noticed. Maybe the glass of wine lowers my will power.... I have no idea. I guess a great deal of the problem is, I am still not in a dangerous weight range nor am I feeling any serious affects from it. Apparently I lack energy--- so I've been told. There may be truth to that statement, so I'll go with it for now.
My husband believe the anorexia really has no ascertainable beginning point or ending point, but rather it's the collateral damage of what I have been dealing with over what will soon be a year. I can see that. But, I'm going off on a tangent.....
The main point is, what I once took for granted (eating) is now almost an impossibility for me. I wish I could eat, but I can't. It sounds ludicrous--- I know. When I say it out loud even I'm like, what the fuck am I talking about. Eating is difficult. Plain and simple. It's not a matter of will power or even control. Now I'm into a layer of fear. Restricting food is an addiction and like most addictions, it's hard to stop. I don't know how to eat anymore. Ironically, I don't think about food and I'm not all consumed by calories/fat/exercise. I just don't think about it. If there is food there, I may or may not eat it. Eating just isn't important to me---which in all honesty scares me. I often wonder what it is going to take to get me to stop this roller coaster ride but I don't have the answers. Would more time out of work help? Probably not. It just sort of is what it is.
I can say that negativity DOES NOT help. For example, telling me that I look terrible or sick or that I'm not getting better does not encourage me. In actuality, it makes me do the opposite. It makes me feel as though any work or effort I have put in STILL isn't enough so why bother? There is a way to approach the situation in a positive way such as, "I know you're trying but you still don't look good and I'm concerned because I love you." Very easy. Very simple. But to badger me about it, well, that's the worst thing to do.
Another thing that doesn't help? Ignoring it. It's real and it's there. Don't pretend it's not because that makes me uncomfortable. I have no problem discussing the anorexia-- clearly or wouldn't be posting it on a public blog--- but pretending there isn't a problem, isn't going to make it go away. Do I want to get better? 100% yes. Believe it or not, I am working towards that goal. The first order of business is to figure out why I don't want to eat. Until I do that, there really isn't much I can do. The good news is, I am trying to figure it out by going to therapy and outpatient treatment. I'm not ignoring the problem. I truly want to stop, but sadly, it's difficult.
I can appreciate most people's ignorance on the matter. I have a handful of people in my life (not in the psychology field) who have had past experience in this with either friends, family or me for that matter. They get it. Sometimes noticing how much I ate is more more effective than noticing how much I didn't eat. It's a tough concept to understand--- it seems to against all reason.
To be honest, I'm dancing as fast as I can folks. This isn't going to happen overnight.... and until I can get to the root of my problem, it is what it is. I do try. I do make an effort. I'm thankful to have people in my life who are so worried and concerned. This is just a daily struggle..... sadly. I know the consequences and it's not that I don't care, there is just a part of me that doesn't believe they can happen to me. Although I admit I am anorexic (through a great deal of therapy), deep down inside, I don't feel like I am.
Let me preface my rant by saying this first: I know that each and every statement about my weight (or lack thereof) is coming from a place of love and concern for my overall well being. I'm not angry at all. I know people are worried but what is starting to worry me more is the ignorance of my disease. I was told by one of the many psychiatric treaters I have that I needed to put on 3 lbs before returning to work, well, turns out I weigh less now than when I went out on leave. Concerning, yes but we'll get to that later. In the last week I've been (in addition to the wager), the following has occurred:
1. You need to eat
2. Eat some baby back ribs
3. Just go to Coldstone
4. You're a stick!
5. You are so thin! Are you like that on purpose?
6. Eat more protein
7. Chow down on Big Macs
Of course these are in addition to the calls wherein I am asked, "What did you eat today?" Again, the ignorance is starting to grate on my nerves. I understand not everyone knows what to say. There isn't really a book of etiquette when it comes to dealing with a close friend/family member battling an eating disorder. If there is, please let me know so I can give them out as Christmas presents. In the mean time, here's the deal:
I DON'T WANT TO EAT
I know it's hard to believe it's that simple, but it truly is. So telling me to eat or what to eat isn't helping me, although I know where you're all coming from. As my husband says, "You're fucked." And in it's simplest form, I am because I don't want to eat. I wish I knew why I didn't want to eat. I am hoping one of my treating professionals can tell me and we can work on it. But, instead I'm setting goal weights for myself. So, sure, I have this wager but it's not incentive to eat. It's funny, in a sick twisted way, but the longer you go without eating, the easier it is NOT to eat. I've spiraled so far out of control that I don't even know how or why this started. I just know that I'm not ready to give up.
Do I eat? Yes. Anorexics do eat. In most cases, they eat every day (as do I). It's just what we eat. I physically cannot handle too large a meal. I get so grossly ill that it's not worth it to me. For some reason, I do better at eating when we're out in a restaurant. I don't know why but it's something my husband has noticed. Maybe the glass of wine lowers my will power.... I have no idea. I guess a great deal of the problem is, I am still not in a dangerous weight range nor am I feeling any serious affects from it. Apparently I lack energy--- so I've been told. There may be truth to that statement, so I'll go with it for now.
My husband believe the anorexia really has no ascertainable beginning point or ending point, but rather it's the collateral damage of what I have been dealing with over what will soon be a year. I can see that. But, I'm going off on a tangent.....
The main point is, what I once took for granted (eating) is now almost an impossibility for me. I wish I could eat, but I can't. It sounds ludicrous--- I know. When I say it out loud even I'm like, what the fuck am I talking about. Eating is difficult. Plain and simple. It's not a matter of will power or even control. Now I'm into a layer of fear. Restricting food is an addiction and like most addictions, it's hard to stop. I don't know how to eat anymore. Ironically, I don't think about food and I'm not all consumed by calories/fat/exercise. I just don't think about it. If there is food there, I may or may not eat it. Eating just isn't important to me---which in all honesty scares me. I often wonder what it is going to take to get me to stop this roller coaster ride but I don't have the answers. Would more time out of work help? Probably not. It just sort of is what it is.
I can say that negativity DOES NOT help. For example, telling me that I look terrible or sick or that I'm not getting better does not encourage me. In actuality, it makes me do the opposite. It makes me feel as though any work or effort I have put in STILL isn't enough so why bother? There is a way to approach the situation in a positive way such as, "I know you're trying but you still don't look good and I'm concerned because I love you." Very easy. Very simple. But to badger me about it, well, that's the worst thing to do.
Another thing that doesn't help? Ignoring it. It's real and it's there. Don't pretend it's not because that makes me uncomfortable. I have no problem discussing the anorexia-- clearly or wouldn't be posting it on a public blog--- but pretending there isn't a problem, isn't going to make it go away. Do I want to get better? 100% yes. Believe it or not, I am working towards that goal. The first order of business is to figure out why I don't want to eat. Until I do that, there really isn't much I can do. The good news is, I am trying to figure it out by going to therapy and outpatient treatment. I'm not ignoring the problem. I truly want to stop, but sadly, it's difficult.
I can appreciate most people's ignorance on the matter. I have a handful of people in my life (not in the psychology field) who have had past experience in this with either friends, family or me for that matter. They get it. Sometimes noticing how much I ate is more more effective than noticing how much I didn't eat. It's a tough concept to understand--- it seems to against all reason.
To be honest, I'm dancing as fast as I can folks. This isn't going to happen overnight.... and until I can get to the root of my problem, it is what it is. I do try. I do make an effort. I'm thankful to have people in my life who are so worried and concerned. This is just a daily struggle..... sadly. I know the consequences and it's not that I don't care, there is just a part of me that doesn't believe they can happen to me. Although I admit I am anorexic (through a great deal of therapy), deep down inside, I don't feel like I am.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Cruise 2011: Day 5 (Coming Home)
Three girls with a dream set off on an adventure...... as with most good things, this adventure had come to an end. The Carnival Destiny had docked in Miami and it was time to go home. So sad. We filled up on breakfast and caught up on email because we finally had working internet service then we parted ways once outside the port. GF#2 was off to Miami International Airport and #1 and I were off to Ft. Lauderdale. All I can think about is how much I hate to fly..... The anticipation was horrible as usual but I sat and reflected back on all those "shared moments" between Donnie and me. I came to the conclusion that the name of the ship was the Destiny for a reason. We'll be together again, I just know it. We have more moments to share....
While waiting in the airport terminal, we ended up chatting with the dad of one of the New Kids. Turns out he's on our flight. I met him last year and we chatted but this year, we ended up sitting with him on the flight. We talked about this and that.... He shared some fun anecdotes about the old days when they started out. Without him knowing it, he created more of a personal relationship between us and the guys. I knew things about them which weren't particularly sacred but tidbits of information that made them more real to us.
He asked us if we had tickets to any of the upcoming shows with the Backstreet Boys. GF#1 is very blunt.... without missing a beat she said, "No, we hate the Backstreet Boys." Inside I went *ugh* but on the outside I laughed when I saw he found the humor in it. Maybe we should reconsider? Maybe we should go to the concert? Hmmmmm....
As we parted ways with him at the airport, we exchanged information and decided that if we did go to see a concert, we'd let him know and meet up again. Did this really happen? Did we just make friends with one of the dads? Only GF#1 and I..... Meanwhile, at an airport an hour away, GF#2 was flying home with Jon and Jordan Knight only six rows in front of her on the plane. Really????? I can't believe how we ended up in these situations.... are they all coincidental? I don't know.
What I do know is this: It was all Destiny.
PS- The three of us ended up going to a NKOTBSB concert. It was truly amazing. Did we meet up with the dad? Hell yeah. No, we didn't go backstage. I'll admit, sure it was in the back of our heads but at the same time, having these moments--- one on one mean more than a photo op.
While waiting in the airport terminal, we ended up chatting with the dad of one of the New Kids. Turns out he's on our flight. I met him last year and we chatted but this year, we ended up sitting with him on the flight. We talked about this and that.... He shared some fun anecdotes about the old days when they started out. Without him knowing it, he created more of a personal relationship between us and the guys. I knew things about them which weren't particularly sacred but tidbits of information that made them more real to us.
He asked us if we had tickets to any of the upcoming shows with the Backstreet Boys. GF#1 is very blunt.... without missing a beat she said, "No, we hate the Backstreet Boys." Inside I went *ugh* but on the outside I laughed when I saw he found the humor in it. Maybe we should reconsider? Maybe we should go to the concert? Hmmmmm....
As we parted ways with him at the airport, we exchanged information and decided that if we did go to see a concert, we'd let him know and meet up again. Did this really happen? Did we just make friends with one of the dads? Only GF#1 and I..... Meanwhile, at an airport an hour away, GF#2 was flying home with Jon and Jordan Knight only six rows in front of her on the plane. Really????? I can't believe how we ended up in these situations.... are they all coincidental? I don't know.
What I do know is this: It was all Destiny.
PS- The three of us ended up going to a NKOTBSB concert. It was truly amazing. Did we meet up with the dad? Hell yeah. No, we didn't go backstage. I'll admit, sure it was in the back of our heads but at the same time, having these moments--- one on one mean more than a photo op.
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