It has been said a thousand times, but you spend your youth trying NOT to get pregnant. Before you know it, you're ready to be a mom and you CAN'T get pregnant.
This isn't something I've ever really talked about. I don't know why really--- it's not that I am ashamed of it but I guess it's, well, painful. Recently, I've talked about it more because I have a few friends trying to get get pregnant and are experiencing some difficulty. Some for the first time, some for their second child. No matter when you are trying to get pregnant, there is nothing more stressful or heartbreaking. I have a handful of friends who needed reproductive assistance. When I was going through it, I realized that this was the dirty little secret that no one talked about. There are millions of couples struggling to get pregnant but no matter what, when you try month after month, you feel as though you are the only one.
My story isn't unique. My husband and i went through a series of tests but we ultimately fell under the "unexplained" category. We tried for nearly a year. I invested hundreds of dollars in pregnancy tests, ovulation predictor kits, books on fertility... You name it. I thought each of these items would be like finding the miracle diet pill. That boom, we would have sex and I'd get pregnant. I mean, that's how it's suppose to happen right?
Nothing made me feel less of a woman than not being able to get pregnant. Wow. That's a tough sentence to write but at least for me, it's the truth. As a woman, your body was made for this purpose and to not be able to get pregnant, made me feel useless. I did blame myself, which I know now is foolish. But, follow my train of thought... my husband had one test, just one which he passed with flying colors. There was absolutely nothing wrong with his sperm, so then if it's not him, it's got to be... me? Yeah.
Being an anxious person didn't help the process either. Please don't misunderstand, anxiety didn't cause me not to get pregnant, it just made it harder to deal with. Anxiety does not have anything to do with getting pregnant. If you are trying to get pregnant, repeat that to yourself as though it were a personal mantra. By the way, there are a number of things you don't say to someone trying to get pregnant:
1. Relax, it will just happen
2. You don't miss what you don't have
3. Not everyone is suppose to have kids
4. Can't you just adopt?
5. Do you really want to put your body through all this?
Those were my favorites. People don't mean to be insensitive, they are just trying to help. Most of these lines came from close friends and family so I know at the time they were being comforting-- it just didn't work. Chalk infertility up to one of those topics where you never know what the right thing to say is.
My husband was my rock. He was the only one I could turn to during all of the this. Some of the fertility tests were very painful but he was by my side. After much discussion with our reproductive endocrinologist, I chose to skip the option to take another pill and get right into the action. Our first attempt was to be an IUI (intrauterine insemination). This was going to require shots, frequent blood work and almost daily internal ultrasounds-- over a two week period.
I didn't complain-- not once. I knew what I was doing was important, but looking back now, I felt horrible all the time. The hormones made me sick and very tired. Our first attempt was fortunately our only attempt because I became pregnant with our daughter. I would do this all over again just to have her and I never doubt the decisions we made. Pregnancy was awesome. I didn't want to just become a mom, I wanted to be pregnant. I wanted to experience all the excitement. I remember it all like it was yesterday. My first trimester was difficult and I almost lost her a few weeks in, but it was first time that my maternal instinct kicked in and I knew she was going to be just fine.... even though at the time I was convinced she was a he.
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