Picture it, May 1997. I'm 21 years old and instead of off celebrating my recent college graduation by backpacking through Europe or driving around in my new car, I'm burying my father. You hear the words Cancer and at 21 you never think it's something that will take away your mom or dad. It's a disease that takes your grandparents or your elderly aunt, not your 48 year old father. Hands down, it was the worst experience of my life. I always new someday I'd bury my father but not before I graduated law school. Not before I got married. Not before my first child was born. Over 13 years, I've learned how to stop crying and remember the good times. Not a day goes by that I don't miss my dad, but the difference is, I feel like I have my own personal guardian angel.
Flash forward to July 2010. I come home, which is currently a basement at my mom's while we build a house, only to hear from her that she has Cancer. My first reaction is WHAT THE FUCK. How can this be possible? Did I piss off someone in a past life? Is that why I am being forced to deal with this Cancer nonsense again? As close as I was to my dad, my mom is my best friend. I live with her but I still talk to her at least 4 times a day while I'm at work. She's the first person I call when I have good news.... bad news... or even better, gossip. Immediately I started thinking, what am I going to do without her? I have an amazing husband and beautiful daughter.... but they're not my mom. Who is going to be my mom? Once she goes, I'm all alone. I'm surrounded by people (family and friends) but at the same time I am all alone. I don't have a brother or sister to lean on or share my thoughts with on this.
If I cry, I cry alone. After my experience with my father, I learned to suppress my feeling for fear of upsetting those around me. Everyone is telling me, you have to be strong for your mom and for Avery and David (her husband). But, I can't be. I'm sad. I'm angry. I WANT to cry. I want to be angry and be pissed off. This is unfair. I know I may sound like a selfish brat but I want someone to hold me and tell me it's going to be OK. The one person who used to do that was my mom and I can't go to her.... I have to continue with the facade of "You're going to be fine and we're going to beat this!!!" Problem is, I'm a glass empty kind of girl.
The diagnosis: Stage I esophageal cancer. It hasn't spread to the lymph nodes and the PET scan is clear of any other cancer. Best news is this tumor is completely operable. All good news right??? I wish I could stop thinking of the "what ifs." I don't want her to be sick. I don't want her to die. I'm not ready for that. Losing my father at a young age was enough. I'm full for now. Having tragedy strike the same family twice seems unnatural and against the odds.
I find solace in the fact that my dad was Stage IV Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma which is completely inoperable. My mom's Cancer is everything my dad's wasn't. As an only child, you can only depend on cousins, friends, husband, etc for so much. They don't understand--- even though they try so very hard.
Hopefully this blog will reach other only children that can relate. It would be nice to know I'm not alone. Right now, all I can do is take it one day at a time.
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