Dear Xanax, Thank you.

"Self-medication is use of a drug with therapeutic intent but without professional advice," per Wikipedia.

So here I am, sitting here trying to remain calm and anxiety free but it's hard knowing that in about 13 hours, my mom is about to begin her first round of chemotherapy and radiation.  I guess a "normal" person would see the glass half full and find the proverbial silver lining in this dark cloud.  I on the other hand prefer to self medicate. My self medication seems to piss off my husband and concern even my best friends but they clearly don't understand the ramifications of what would happen without these meds. Can you say panic attack?????

It's a well known, undisputed fact that only children do not do well with change.  In addition to that, we are perfectionists with a need to control everything.  This is a deadly combination.  For me, when these feelings of loss of control reach a high the best way for me to deal is to take a some sort of anti-anxiety med (which was prescribed) to keep me stable.  I'm not ashamed of it-- I embrace it.  If I were diabetic, I would take insulin.  To me its no different.

Right now, I want to just sit and cry in the fetal position because of my fear.  I saw how sick my dad was after chemo and it scares me that my mom is going to be the same way.  I recall the nights of him vomiting for hours and my mom making all of his favorite foods in an attempt to get him to eat something. Anything.  Is this what my mom is going to go through?  Is she going to be sick all the time?  Is she going to lose her hair?  Will she have the strength to play with her only granddaughter? It's all "noise" in my head but the miracle of xanax is it stops the noise.  .....I no longer hear the lambs.

My husband gets angry with my "what ifs" and my "supposes" but it's who I am.  It's natural for me to compare this to my dad's Cancer.  Is it like comparing apples and oranges? Well, the rational part of me (about 10% for reference) knows that it is but the rest of me (90% for those following along),  is irrational sees this equation:

CANCER=DEATH

For weeks my mom has been going through test after test.... and then there was the waiting....  and now?  It's here. Treatment is beginning.  This is real.  My mom has Cancer.  I have been spending weeks trying to push this out of my mind and spend time in denial. Wait, not denial.  That sounds so negative and immature.  I prefer to quote the words of the great Calvin of Calvin and Hobbes, "I am not in denial.  I am just very selective about the reality I choose to accept."

Xanax helps me make the right decision on the reality to accept.