Treatment number two didn't go well at all..... not AT ALL. Mom was really sick and still they are not sure what caused it. Her nausea and vomiting were not typical of those patients undergoing chemotherapy. Although her oncologist, Dr.S, can't say 100% for sure it was not chemo related he has changed her chemo drugs and other medication around. We're hoping for a better result this week. But let's back up, shall we?
Friday mom was admitted into the hospital with severe stomach pain, nausea and vomiting. The scene was reminiscent of when I had to take her to the emergency room 6 weeks ago before we learned of her Cancer diagnosis. She was in excruciating pain along with the nausea and nothing helped. Once in a room, we were lucky enough to have Doogie Howser, M.D. come in to see her and ask her a million questions ("Um, how do you spell Dr.X's name? " Are you fucking kidding me right now?). She was given enough Morphine and Ativan to render a T-Rex unconscious and slept well for the night.
Saturday afternoon she was released but her stomach was still upset. She continued to sleep and rest. I thought all was well. We were all, doctors included, under the the belief this stomach issue was completely independent from the Cancer treatment. All of us except for mom, that is. In the midst of her drugged out rants she claimed she was not going to continue to treatment. Yeah, yeah. OK, whatever you say mom. Just get some rest.
I was woken up very early Sunday morning by mom to say we had company. It's 8 am. It's Sunday. Who the hell is coming to the house? When I come upstairs, I find my aunt on the couch with my mom. My aunt is sobbing. Clearly I thought someone died-- I'm Italian so that's the first thing I always thing of. Well, no one died. Not yet anyway....
My mother proceeded to tell me that she was not going to fight the Cancer. That she was going to give up. She has a Cancer diagnosis that most Cancer patients dream of-- Stage I, lymph nodes unaffected, not metastasized..... and she was going to just say, I'm all set. Well, fuck you, I don't think so. I tried everything. We all tried everything. I remained calm, in her presence of course. I spoke to her rationally, but as you know, you can't rationalize with irrational people so that didn't work very well. I started to well up a bit and told her I refuse to deal with bullshit and with that, I went back down to my little cave.
I slammed the bedroom door shut and cried. I cried so much and so hard that I think the neighbors heard me. I can tell you my mom heard..... The release was therapeutic. Most definitely it was the nervous breakdown that I was anticipating. Oh man, it was a good cry. It was one of those cries where you are hyperventilating and can't speak. My face was all red and my contacts came out on their own.... It was a GOOD cry. But, my husband gave me a xanax and calmed me down. At one point, I looked over at him and in 6 1/2 years, I've never seen him cry (other than the movie "Rudy" of course....) and he was crying. Sure, it wasn't the same. It was that "guy" cry-- you know, when their eyes well up and they start sniffling saying "I have something in my eye." But still.... we went through the death of his own mother and nothing. I thought he had ice running through his veins but I was wrong. I can tell you at that moment, our relationship changed forever and I began to understand marriage in a whole new way.
I am happy to report that we convinced her to go to one more chemo treatment. She is there now and after today she will be half way home. I don't know who out there prays, but if you do, I ask that you put in a good word. She CANNOT get sick like that again this week or she will give up. I don't know if we will be able to convince her to do another week. Right now she's there, not against her will, but to fight hard for her daughter, her husband, her granddaughter and the rest of the family.
As for me, I am pissed at her but I love her. I will continue to take care of her and support her. She's my mom. I can't imagine life without her, at least not now. We all knew this would be hard but we're trying the best we can to keep it together.
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