My day is best described by these sage words from a poet of our generation, "Today was a good day"- Ice Cube. I am able to breathe because I witnessed first hand how bad this battle can be and how much worse it's going to get but I'm ready to take it head on. But, for now, mom looks great and feels great. She always does well on chemo day. It's always the days that follow which are the most difficult. Tonight, she was herself and for that, it was a good day. Even at 34 (it's not here yet), I'm not ashamed to admit that I had my head in her lap while she stroked my hair. I fell asleep for a short time but it was the happiest I've been in weeks and I was able to exhale. For now I am going to be thankful for today, because it was a good day.
Surprisingly, there has been a great deal of feedback from friends about the blog and I promised to inject some "non-Cancer " stuff in here. This is such an only child thing--- but we THRIVE on piling on as much stress as we possibly can. Amongst my every day normal work/being a mom stress, I'm also moving and helping my mom fight a Cancer battle. So clearly I thought now would be a PERFECT time to try a crazy restrictive diet which cuts out some of my favorite things-- cake, diet coke and wine.
I am on the tail end of the detox phase. In 36 hours, I am going to have the biggest glass of diet coke I can. I may go to 7-11 to purchase the largest Big Gulp they have. I'm going to bathe in it. I can say that I've lost 6 lbs in the last 8 days which is pretty amazing but I am living on salad, rice, beans and yogurt. Oh, and water, you can't forget water. YUM! Am I fucking crazy? In the last 6 weeks, I gained about 10 lbs. I was eating my sadness and stress away. It took me nine months or so to lose the SIXTY POUNDS I gained from being pregnant and I was going to be damned if I was going to gain any of that shit back.
Did I mention I can't eat meat? Yeah- no meat. If I was vegetarian, I'd be miserable. I want a burger all the time. When I watch Rachel Zoe I get hungry.... because you know that bitch is starving. Come on. So I timed this 9 day detox to end the day before my birthday on the off chance that someone planned a big bash for me. A friend of mine tonight told me that he's going to get drunk and throw up on his birthday. I laughed but it sounds like a good idea.
Getting back to the diet.....Sure, it's working but it's the worst diet out there. I'm hungry all the time. I really thought around day 4 I was going to die. Actually, I was convinced I was going to die. Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you-- there's no coffee either. Do you know that withdrawal from Dunkin Donuts turbo iced coffees make you feel like your brain is bleeding? Yup. I think my brain swelled and nearly exploded because the pain was almost unbearable.
As I write this, I'm watching my darling husband eat a brownie. Nice right? I'm sure tomorrow night he'll have Chinese food to go out with a bang. When I'm on a diet, he fends for himself so I've been able to sit and watch him eat burgers and fries, ice cream, pasta... all the foods I would kill for right now. But I had to prove I give it all up and I did.... and it was a STUPID-ASS idea.
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