Unexplained

My favorite part about being a neurotic mess is the "unexplained" anxiety that I seem to have.  Usually, I can pinpoint the reasons for every panic attack, every stomach knot and every sleepless night however, there is a small percentage of anxiety filled days which fall into one of those "unexplained" categories.  I woke up this morning with slight anxiety and then by 10 am, I was so filled to the brim with anxiety that I couldn't breathe.  It's unnerving and disrupts my production level for the day.  When I can determine where my anxiety is stemming from, it's easier for me to control my mood but in these situations, EVERYTHING bothers me.

If you aren't an anxious person, it's a difficult feeling to describe but it feels as though I am about to jump out of my skin.  It's hard to be around myself--- which is tragic considering how much I enjoy alone time.  If possible, I try to take a nap when this happens.  Unfortunately, I don't always have that option (side note-- someone is on the phone around me and I want to scream because they are too loud-- this is all the anxiety.  If I wasn't so anxious, I really wouldn't give a shit).  I do have medication prescribed to me for such occasions, but given that I have to pick my daughter up in 2 hours, I need to be alert and have to pass....

My mind is always racing at a million miles an hour.  I suspect part of this anxiety is a result of my mom's surgery on November 15.  I am dreading this surgery almost as much as my mom is.  It scares me to death actually but I would think it's too soon for my anxiety to start it's mind warp over the surgery but maybe it is.  I have irrational fears with connected superstitions to all the "bad events" in my life (for example, I refuse to fly on the anniversary of my father's death because I think the plane will crash.  Yeah, completely fucking insane.  I know).  In typical neurotic fashion, I fear my mom having surgery so close to the holiday because my husband's mom died a few days before Thanksgiving.  This thought is starting to consume me--- and not in a good way.

Do you know what only perpetrates these irrational thoughts?  Oprah.  That's right, the Queen of Daytime TV should also be called the Queen of the Damned.  She continues to put on the saddest, most gut wrenching, stories I've ever heard and I think, "OMG, if someone's life can be this tragic, then how will I avoid such tragedy?"  Of course, the solution here is obvious-- stop watching Oprah. ...but that's like giving up chocolate.  Impossible.

I sit here, barely breathing, wondering when the anxiety is going to disappear but also wonder if this is going to continue for the next two weeks in anticipation of my mom's surgery.  I hope this anxiety falls into the unexplained category because honestly, I can't take the next two weeks of this.  When my anxiety gets this bad, it is almost too painful to deal with the day. 

There isn't much for me to do to take my mind off of it.  Working doesn't help.  I'm not sure what it's like to be normal and not have all this noise in my head.  I envy people who are laid back....  Clearly, anyone would be concerned about surgery, I just don't know of it's normal to start worrying about it two weeks out.  Then again, maybe the surgery isn't what's causing all my anxiety.  Maybe there is another trigger....  My subconscious is a scary place and i try to avoid any deep searching of my thoughts.  It only ends up in doubling my dose of xanax.  Sometimes it's just best to leave it alone.