I sit here with tears streaming down my face, yet again.... Mom is back in the hospital due to possible dehydration and constant nausea. This is another set back to her having the feeding tube removed. Surgery appeared to be successful for about two weeks.... and I hesitated to blog about the amazing turn around she was experiencing. Why? Because I knew it was too good to be fucking true. As I try to remain positive for those around me (at least on the outside), I'm not (on the inside). I worry 23 hours a day... the other hour is spent trying to sleep. Every time she gets sick, I get a sinking feeling in my stomach that the Cancer has spread. It's the elephant in the room-- because no one will truly speak of it. When I ask, if the surgeons/GI doctors/etc are concerned, the response is brushed off quickly. Staying positive is important, but being realistic is healthier. Again, my only experience with Cancer has been negative - essentially until my mom's diagnosis. It is important to note that the last surgery and the on-going medical issues she's having are not Cancer related, as far as we know. They stem from digestive issues which could possible be a side affect of the initial surgery to remove the tumor, but there has been no evidence to say Cancer has spread and could be causing these problems.
I heard that early detection equals a 95% success rate- it's a category that I think my mom falls into. I can believe that at times.... but mostly, I worry. I worry about Cancer and I worry about my mom dying and I worry about how I will go on if I lose her. I've said this before, I am still emotionally dependent on her and I think that it may be a co-dependency--- probably 70/30 in my favor. But I can't go on like this in my life. My happiness may not depend on my mom, but it affects me emotionally. There's no way to un-do a way of life that has been going for 36 years strong.
My past time consists of watching endless reality shows on addiction.... It's a fascination (as an aside, I fear that I will be Janice Dickinson in 20 years based on her recent involvement with Celebrity Rehab) of mine but I have learned something from it. I've learned that you must surrender to the addiction in order to move forward and get well. Essentially, I need to surrender to my mom's illness. Its imperative I surrender to my anxiety and allow myself to enjoy life.
Clearly it's not healthy to NOT want to get out of bed. I don't want to just sleep my life away.... I want to just lay in bed. I don't want to go to work. I don't want to answer the phone. I have stopped emailing. contrary to what my husband thinks, I've avoided any social networking... The commercials for depression describe me and I know it. I take enough meds that if I start taking anymore, the FDA may flag my CVS computer profile. My acting hasn't been very convincing because once again, information (as minor as it may be) is starting to be withheld from for fear that I may freak out. I can't help but laugh at that because honestly, I freak out over everything. EVERYTHING in my life is a crisis to some degree or another. Ironically, what my family/friends don't understand is the withholding of information only increases my anxiety because I am always second guessing them about whether or not they are disseminating all the information to me.
Really my only hope at this point is to surrender. When I write my feelings out like this and read them back, even I say, "wow, what a selfish brat." I'm not the one who is physically sick and dealing with feeling like shit on a daily basis, yet my anxiety takes control over me. It's time for ME to recover.... and surrender myself. If only I had a volume button to turn down the noise in my head.
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