I've been hearing a great deal about how lucky/fortunate I am. There is no reason to be depressed, anxious, stressed, unhappy, etc. I've said it before, on paper, my life is pretty spectacular. I have a beautiful healthy daughter, an understanding husband, a gorgeous house, a nice car, a closet filled with Louboutins, designer clothes and Chanel purses.... I could go on and on but all of those material items really mean shit to me. No matter what people believe, they mean SHIT to me. I will not deny that being an only child I've always had nice things--- it's much easier with one child to give them that sort of stuff. When I was younger, I know that my parents made sacrifices for me to have those things but those sacrifices, while I was aware of them, never interfered with me.
When I met my husband, he was successful and driven. Never, in MY wildest dreams did I think we were going to have the life we have. That he was going to make the money he makes. I'm sure he knew.... He set his goal, he works his ass off, and accomplishes anything and everything he put his mind too. It's beyond being a hard worker.... It could be the military brainwashing.... It could be the fact that his dad set a good example of working hard to get what you want.
Now, my husband is very successful in a competitive industry. He doesn't save lives--- although he can make an argument that he does but it's fucking bullshit. Does he take time off? Rarely. Very rarely. I'll admit, vacations this year were put on hold due to my mom's illness but has he ever taken the day off to spend with me? Nope. Just me. During all of this shit that I've been wading through for months on end, has he stopped to think that the one thing he could do is to take a day off? No.
So here we are--- I'm on medical leave, about to enter an outpatient psychiatric hospital and I'm told that he needs to work over an entire holiday weekend. Have I told him I'm upset? Sure. Does it matter? No. It's his job which is tied for first place with our daughter. He's an amazing father. When I watch him with her my heart can almost explode. I can see the bond forming right before my eyes-- that daddy's little girl thing which I had. It's hard to even write about without crying. On his days off, he spends time with her doing "fun" stuff...... (ie, daddy plays outside not mommy).
Now, where do I fit in? who the fuck knows. I know I'm up there somewhere but maybe in the top 5. It's a bold statement but I HATE HIS JOB. I would be happy driving a Toyota, living in a small house (provided we were still in a good school system) but being TOGETHER. He keeps asking how he can help me. I know he's put up with a great deal of verbal and emotional abuse from me and most men would have left by now (only during the last few months, not the entire marriage). I don't want him to leave his job- he loves it, he's good at it and it makes him happy. I'm jealous. I don't have that kind of job. I wish I woke up excited to go to my job.
I knew what his job entailed when we met. He's been in the same line of business for as long as we've known each other. But, at the end of the day, all these material things don't mean anything to me if I have no one to share them with..... I love my husband very much. So much that I WANT to spend time with him. Right now, I NEED him more than I ever have before but I don't think he gets it-- even though I've lost my shit trying to explain it to him. I really NEED him. But he's not here.... sometimes I feel like he's never here......
This leave was a big decision. I'm trying to get my head straight and making plans to do things that I haven't had time to do because of work, being a mom, being a wife, being a daughter. Most of all, I just want to be with my husband. When I said I do for life, I meant for life. But I can only compromise so much. I can only accept so much. "It is what it is" doesn't cut it anymore.... "This is my job" doesn't cut it either..... Right now, as selfish as it sounds, I need to be FIRST (well, second to the baby) but I need to be his only concern and I'm not.
So, to all those who think I have a picture perfect life, I do, on the outside. But, on the inside, the walls are starting to crack.
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