Sitting in the waiting room, I took a good look around me. The women I saw, appeared on the outside, to be a great deal like me. I soaked in every minute and listened to the chatter around me as I pretended to read on my iPad. Some of the women were taken off into groups and before I knew it, I was sitting all alone. Turns out they were there for a different program.... a program I probably should have been in based on the conversations I was hearing. I continued to sit and read while I waited to be escorted to my group. The seconds felt like minutes and the minutes felt like hours. I texted replies to those who wished me luck. Began to wish that I was someplace else..... Yet most of all, I tried to remember how I got here in the first place.
When you are told (let's make it clear, this wasn't completely voluntary on my part-- this was driven at least 70% by guilt) that you are going to spend a week in outpatient psychiatric treatment you start to think what the fuck does that mean exactly? I had no idea what to expect and by 11 am my head was spinning. Literally spinning. Obviously this wouldn't be a normal anxiety-ridden experience unless I had a panic attack, which I did while sitting in my car in the parking lot-- debating on whether I was really going to do this. My emotions were on the brink of overflowing and I didn't know when or if I was going to cry (for the record, I did).
My day today was hectic. Overwhelming. Confusing. And of course, filled with anxiety. It basically is a full day of workshops and group therapy during which you are pulled out by a psychiatrist, psychologist and a social worker over the course of the day. So what that meant was, even though I went through a two hour intake process and they had all the notes in front of them, I was forced to repeat the same stories three times today. Argued with three people over NOT being in the eating disorders program. And eventually became emotionally numb to the whole experience. Although I won't see all three of these people on a daily basis, I will see at least 2 out of three daily. Great. Because therapy twice a week wasn't enough so let me spend 7 hours a day talking about my issues.
The group sessions weren't as bad as I thought. They are mainly workshops. When I hear the term group therapy, I picture what I see I Celebrity Rehab which is the Doctor (ie Dr. Drew) sitting at the head of a semi-circle with a group of fucked up people in comfortable chairs wrapped in blankets just sharing emotions and "how they feel" that day. Yeah, nothing like that--- at least not in this program. We sat around a table in a cold room and on uncomfortable chairs. Without giving up to much confidentiality, the women varied in age and I found it difficult to take advice, when I did "share," from a 23 year old. But I don't want to minimize her feelings and though she was trying to be helpful, I felt my problems were more then she could understand. I think alot of what I feel and am going through is harder to deal with because I have a husband and a child. If the only person I had to focus on was ME, I probably wouldn't be there but again, I don't want to minimize her issues.
I need to be more conscious of the eye rolling I do because I can't take some of the nonsense I hear from the others in group. That's just my personality and it's tough to change. I hate nonsense. To them it's not nonsense--- to them it's real. To me it's bullshit. I really don't like the fact that I am judgmental. Interestingly, I'm not judgmental with my friends even when I know they have done things wrong but to pass judgment on a stranger, that's not a problem. I think it's because I'm a bitch--- that's still up for discussion. But, I try to keep an open mind. I learned a little today and I hope to learn more tomorrow. Today's aha! moment was that I DON'T have to appreciate all that I have but I need to appreciate the little things that make me happy---- like watching Donnie on Dancing with the Stars do his salsa moves. I could watch that about 1000 times and it makes me really, really happy. By taking happiness in the little things, I will start to appreciate the bigger picture. At least that is the goal. Everyday, I need to write down three things that make me happy.
Today: dinner went smoothly with Avery meaning, she asked what for what she wanted, I made it and she ate it. Sadly that doesn't happen every day. Next, Avery and I played the kissing game which is one of my favorite things-- it's a game where she asks me to kiss her nose, her cheeks, her eyes, etc. Each kiss end in a burst of giggles. Finally, most of my friends and those in my family who know sent me well wishes. Some didn't--- and I am not going to dwell on it. I guess that means I learned two things today.
Worst part of the day???? Hands down was being weighed. I knew it was coming. I was dreading it and I think that was what was in the back of my head the whole day. The program ends at about 3:30 and by 2, I still hadn't been weighed. I thought I may have escaped the nightmare. I weigh myself every morning using 2 scales yet I don't want to be weighed--- that's called a paradox. A really fucked up paradox. When you're weighed in a program like this, and they label you as having an "eating disorder" they don't let you see the scale. Now, I know what my mechanical scale said today and I know what my digital scale said but I have no idea what that doctor's scale said. That caused great anxiety. I'm not allowed to face forward. Of course when the weighing occurred, I made it a big fucking project. First, I had to pee. Second, the sweater had to come off. Third, shoes and watch came off and Finally, I put my hair up. For whatever reason, all of these things will cause me to weigh the least amount --- in my head.
The good news? They didn't succeed at transferring me into the eating disorder program. The bad news? I will be weighed every day and my vitals will be taken every day. I also have been tapped for some special blood work. Oh, and I'm also going to have the "opportunity" to take part in "extra programs" during the day in lieu of group. So I think they are sneaking "eating disorder" bullshit but, without the supervised means and trips to the bathroom or the daily meeting with the nutritionist to go over the fucking food pyramid. I may play along with their game but they aren't pulling one over on me, I can see right through this.
Today I went in with an open mind. I shared my thoughts with the group and was open and honest with the professionals I saw. I even did my "homework" though I think it's bullshit and more work that I don't have time for, but I did it. Either go balls to the wall or don't do it at all..... Tonight, my anxiety is off the charts. Blogging helps but soon, I can sleep. Only to wake up to do it all again tomorrow. I still don't know what to expect-- because every day is a different day but I can proudly say I completed DAY ONE.
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