It's been 14 long years since I lost my dad. His anniversary was recently and it seems that it's getting harder and harder. Most likely it has to do with the fact that he's missed out on so much and I feel like he's been gone as long as he was my dad. We aren't quite there yet, but soon. The list of important moments which have passed without his presence goes on: college graduation, graduate school graduation, my wedding, the birth of my child and so on....
I have only recently embraced my mom's husband as my stepfather. He's an amazing man who has NEVER tried to take the place of my father but there have been moments where I've caught myself calling him "dad" by accident. (Calling Dr. Freud, calling Dr. Freud......). My time in the "hospital" has helped me come to this point. It would be a lie to say that I'm at 100% with this but I'm working on it. It's part selfish brat, part loyalty/respect for my dad. I'm not sure when it switched but I can say, there was no one, including my godfather, that I would have wanted to walk me down the aisle but him. In the last year, with mom being sick, our bond has deepened. We were each other's rock.... at least he was mine.
I still have a difficult time keeping a boundary now and as I get older, I don't know if I need this boundary. I can love my dad and still love my stepfather, although it will never be the same love. I think that's what my mom has been trying to explain to me for years. I've come quite a ways--- through radical acceptance.
A dear friend of mine lost her dad 3 days after I lost mine, hers was more sudden and unexpected but she has been able to give me great guidance on how to explain my dad to my daughter as if he's still here. She's been told she has a special guardian angel watching over her--- and me. My friend wrote a tribute to her dad this year which inspired me to do something similar. Of course I have more than 22 memories, but 22 represents the number of years he was physically present in my life as my dad. So, if you will indulge me:
22 MEMORIES
1. Frequent trips to the local zoo to see the animals and ride the carousel, just the two of us.
2. Sitting in my room on a hot summer's night and him coming in and asking if I'd like to go and see "Annie." I remember this moment so clearly too.... I was inside playing with my Barbies and the Barbie Dream pool.
3. The look on his face the day I received my acceptance letter from Boston University. There was a look of pure joy. He was so proud of me.... When he went to hug me he picked me up off the ground-- which was so uncharacteristic of him
4. Hot summer nights watching the Yankee game with him in the living room because it had an air conditioner. My mom would put together a makeshift bed and I would try to stay awake to watch the game with him. I can still remember the yellow Minnie Mouse nightgown I wore.
5. One year for Halloween, he dressed up as his favorite New York Yankee, Mr. October, Number 44, Reggie Jackson.
6. For as long as I can remember his cards were addressed to "Little '44'", and signed "Love Daddy, Big '44'"
7. The passion and love he had for his job as well as the people he helped.
8. Not all memories can be good, obviously but they still shape the person you are. I still remember what he said to me the day he told me he was terminal. I'll cherish those words forever and I will never forget that it was the first time I ever saw him cry.
9. Although I didn't understand it at the time, he always left mid-way through Thanksgiving dinner to "throw out the trash." It wasn't until the first Thanksgiving he was gone that I realized what that code was for.
10. Some of his favorite things were simple pleasures which reminded him of being a kid --- Christmas, Disney World, the Muppets and chocolate cabinets.
11. How he'd joke he was going to claim my best friend on his taxes from being at my house so much. She later went on to give his eulogy and is still in my life today. I love her unconditionally and so did he.
12. In the last remaining weeks of his life, I came home from college to spend time with him. At this point he was confined to the bedroom. He spent day in and day out sitting in his over sized navy blue recliner watching TV. I would just sit there, by his side, holding his hand.
13. His LOVE of Jack Nicholson. My father found humor in him even in the most serious of roles. There was just "something" about Jack that made him laugh. He had a great laugh too--- unlike anyone else's I have ever heard.
14. I remember watching TV shows like Vegas, Hart to Hart, Magnum PI and re-reruns of Hawaii 5-0. My mom would be at work and he'd keep me up, at 6 or 7 years old to watch cop shows with him. As soon as he saw the headlights of my mom's car, he sent me right up stairs.
15. When I was 7 years old, I got the chicken pox. I missed the last week of second grade. Not a big loss but at the time I was devastated. When he came home from work the day they started, he brought me a stuffed yellow and white unicorn. I have that unicorn to this day. Ironically, dad ended up catching the chicken pox from me....
16. Father/Daughter dances were the highlight of the school year for both my dad and me. After every dance, we ended up either at Friendly's or a local restaurant. My dad would be dressed in a beautiful suit and would give me a bouquet of roses a flower girl would carry in a wedding. Those pictures, from all 8 dances are still prominently displayed in my home.
17. My first trip to Yankee stadium with him. A moment like that remains eternally priceless.
18. His cologne. If I try hard enough, I can still remember the smell.
19. Sitting on the steps of the porch at our old house during the summer. Most of those moments were silent-- given the nature of who he was--- but I look back on those moments as tiny treasures which would learn to cherish years later.
20. At Christmas, my cousins and I were stuck at the kid table... In the kitchen. Not a whole lot of fun but, my dad would come and hang out with us at the kid table. At the time, I thought he was doing it because he was the cool dad and felt bad that we were ostracized..... Again, years later I realized the truth behind this.
21. Every sentence to me usually started with, "Kid...."
22. His last days. I was the last person he saw before he went into a coma. Although it didn't last long, it felt as though it was an eternity. I can still remember the moment he died, family by the bedside. I was lying there, on the bed with him, my head on his shoulder and an arm wrapped around him in a semi-hug as he took his last breath.
He may be gone now but he has left me with not only powerful words of wisdom but traditions I can carry on forever. For each year he's been gone, there's been a lesson I've learned whether about myself as a person, or about the person he wanted me to become.
14 LEGACIES
1. The diamond necklace from him that I wear daily. I received this necklace when I graduated from law school, 4 years after his death.
2. "Keep Your Friends Close, and your Enemies Closer."
3. Respect, Loyalty and Family-- that's what it means to be Italian
4. "Keep Your Nose Clean"
5. The St. Michael medal he wore around his neck until the day he died. It's been passed on to me and someday, it will be passed on to my daughter.
6. "Keep Your Mouth Closed, and Your Ears Open"
7. It's not important to get mad, or get even but to get revenge-- spoken like a true Sicilian
8. When I'm driving, I'm always in the right
9. Not to take life for granted-- especially time. No matter how much money you have, you can't take it with you so live each day as though it were your last.
10. Be true to who you are and where you came from
11. It doesn't take a college diploma to make you a success in your life if you are doing what you love
12. As his daughter, I learned what is possible and expected from my husband to be an amazing dad to our daughter
13. The driveway goes one way, once you go down, you don't come back
14. He will always be with me, wherever I go, in my heart.
When I look at my little girl, and I'm sad to think he isn't here to see her, I hope I can remember all these things. I look forward to the day when I can tell her all about him and she'll be able to understand what an amazing person her "Gampa" truly was.......
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