Imagine yourself on a train.... not as a passenger but as the train operator. You are carrying precious cargo and need to guide the train to safety. The mission is yours not for the money, not because it is your job but because people are counting on you to get there. Aside from the safety of the train, the precious cargo you carry with you are your mom, your husband, your child, your best friend of 28 years, your Will yet this immediate inner circle extends beyond them. It goes without saying they would be considered precious cargo, but they aren't the only ones on the train...
Your cousins are there--- the two who have been like a brother and sister to you and have been by your side since the day you were born. A beautiful neice and nephew play on the train with your daughter. The same neice and nephew who are auspicious reminders of you and your two cousins playing togheter at that age. Watching the three of them together brings back memories and you can only wonder if they will be as close as you three are. Your godparents are on the train, the ones who promised to take care of YOU if something ever happened to your parents. Your step-father, the man who never tried to fill your father's shoes but loves you, your husband and your child like his own but most importantly, has loved your mother more than the own air he breathes. Lastly, there are friends. There are those who shared your Donnie moments from when you were 14 or older (cruise 2012 here we come) or the college roommates who loved you enough to hold your hair back. Even the one friend, whom you count on having a good time with no matter where you because, she is a walking party. There are even your law school friends who know if you could survive law school, you could survive anything.
Although these friends have been around for decades there are ones that also showed up in your life when you were an adult and thought, I don't have anymore room for friends, I'm all set now. Yet, one day you met someone who knows all the same movie lines and watched the same reality shows which have you both screaming with laughter and gossiping like 12 years olds. The ones who have had trauma and sadness of their own but have persevered through the odds and even though they may not know it, inspire you to be a stronger person. Your train carries military heroes and everyday heroes, like teachers and police officers. Most importantly this train carries the memories and laughs you have shared with all these people.
The train is filled. I challenge you to sit down and write the names of all the people who you love and who love you unconditionally back. The ones that you can still laugh to the point of tears with over the good memories. I have always said people come in and out of your life for a reason. Once they are out, they're gone. They're a memory- good or bad but most importantly, that person is just a memory and no longer play a role in the story of your life.
With a full train, your destination is up ahead, but you are sitting at a crossroads. There is a loud noise from the warning lights on the track that a train is coming. You can choose path A which is dangerous but shorter, faster and easier. Then there is path B which is 1000% safe. It's longer, more arduous and even a bit intimidating at times, even though you know it's safe. Path B will get this train and all the precious cargo on it to the destination without a hiccup. Not only are you trying to choose the path, but you are running out of time FAST. Your anxiety explodes. If you don't move soon, another train is going to come and there will be an accident. You will may be able to get all your passengers safely off in time but the train will be destroyed and you, the engineer may not make it out alive. Yet, you sit here at the crossroads and you don't know what to do.
Destroying this train and the life of the conductor will ruin the lives of each and every person who are passengers. Although they will always remember you and you will have an invisible string tied around their hearts, this cargo you deem so precious will be left to mourn the death of someone they love all because you chose easy Path A. Everyone on this train may not have signed up for either path but they love you and given the choice, even though it is longer and harder, they want you to choose Path B. Not for them, but for yourself. For you happiness.
Right now- this is the best way to describe how torn I feel about treatment again. Yes, again. I'm looking at myself in the mirror and finally beginning to see an image of my former self. It's been nearly 18 months of full on war but I've been battling this eating disorder for 18 years. Now I realize it is like any other addiction. It will be something I live with every day. I see a tired, pale, thin woman who can no longer wear her wedding rings without the fear they will fall off. Path A may get me somewhere but it's no where safe and the road is most likely never ending. Maybe this time, Path B will work. It will set the spark in me I need to recover and say no to this roller coaster of emotions. This time I hope I can find the reason to eat and maybe even find the reasons why I don't want to eat.
I am going to do this. Not one day at a time... but one bite at a time.
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