Speechless. Not a word that's used to describe me- ever. I not only have an answer for everything but I also have to get the last word in all the time. Some may say it's a spoiled brat thing, I say it's an only child thing. Although I may not actually be speechless, I am completely numb from the ignorance and outright cruelty of those around me. Let me first say, there are some AMAZING people in my life who I know would move the sun and the moon to help me get better right now. Even though I've probably bored them to tears with listening to me over and over and over again, they still remain a constant. Probably unknowingly to them, I've actually pulled back and talked about my anorexia less because I feel as though I'm burdening them with my problems. It's funny because, in my mind I've pulled back whereas they may be thinking, "Is this bitch ever going to shut the fuck up and get help? I can't listen to this nonsense anymore." Well, it's funny to me, porbably not so much to them.
The truth is, I'm struggling with an eating disorder for the SECOND time in my life. There is no doubt that the second time around is much more intense..... scarier.... and lonelier. I've overheard conversations that my anorexia is "attention seeking behavior:. Me just being a diva looking to be in the spot light. Writing those words make me feel like bursting into tears. NO ONE and I mean NO ONE understands this is an addiction unless they have gone through it themselves. Bottom line? I'm sick. I know I am and I don't know how to get better. The ignorance around me is by far, mind blowing. There is gossip, whispers and speculation which drives me insane. Am I ashamed? Of course I am. Does talking about me behind my back make it worse? 1000%. Should I give a shit? No. But I do. Since my stint in "rehab" life has become difficult to say the least. I have, without a doubt, learned who my real friends are, but not only that, I've learned that when you least expect it, someone in your life surprises you....
In the beginning, this blog started out as a cathartic way to express my feelings about my mom being sick and along the way, it's clearly taken a different turn. When it was more about my mom's illness, the blog was much more sacred and private and few knew of it. Now that I'm writing more about my anorexia, I'm sharing it--- not by posting it on social networks but by writing down the web address with good old fashioned paper and pen for someone. I've given this site out to many people and I really only know of a handful that read this religiously. To the point where they ask me when the next blog is coming :).
People I thought cared about me and had my best interest at heart, don't. Instead, they gossip, whisper and speculate. At a time when I crave support the most, I have been let down. But, then there are the good surprises too. People I may not talk to everyday or haven't seen in years or live hundreds, even thousands of miles away will make a gesture that chips the ice off my heart just a little more. They don't realize it, but sometimes getting that look or an email or even a simple silent "I got your back" restores your faith in the human race. There are days when I don't think I can feel much lower then I do and one of these little surprises pops up and it saves me from myself.
As cynical as I am, I'm happy to see a kindness come from those who may not get it, but instead they get you. And like the others in your life who truly love you, they genuinely want to see you get better. For a person struggling with an eating disorder, that may be all you need. It goes without saying that I have certain people in my life who worry about me every single day. What I eat and when I eat matters to them but given the nature of our relationship, I expect it (and yes, I know I shouldn't expect anything from anyone).
Being let down by people you thought gave a shit hurts. It makes you want to shut yourself off from the world. Like the 00 jeans--- after that I wanted nothing more to go to bed and sleep for a 100 years. Knowing people are gossiping about you.... knowing people have a misconceived perception of you.... knowing all this hurts. My husband tells me some of it is my own fault. I make jokes and say things that people take seriously, even though it's my dark twisted humor. I'm not a functioning alcoholic and I'm not addicted to prescriton drugs but I seem to be the butt of those jokes in some circles. Sometimes it bothers me but other times I could give a fuck. I strongly believe that you can say .anything to anyone but it's the WAY you say it that makes it hurt.
It makes my husband shudder when I say most of what I say, but I guess my line of thinking is if I reallty were a drug addict or an alcoholic I wouldn't say the things I saw. A great example is, I never joke about my anorexia--- and if I do, it's around my husband or a close friend. A person I know is loyal to me and to this friendship.
I've been writing this blog for nearly a year and a half and some of the most important people to me don't read it. Then there are those who do read this blog and use it as fodder for their gossip. I could mention names, even though I never do, because the people I'm talking about in this blog entry are either a) not reading it or b) know exactly who they are. And to those people I say: I see you, I hear you and what you say really does matter.
An Eating Disorder is an addiction and it's powerful. Just as powerful as drugs and alcohol. If I was addicted to heroin, you wouldn't gossip about it. If you were born with a heart and I mattered, you would come and try to talk to me. You would try to help me. I am not angel when it comes to words-- believe me. I know I have said shit about people that is pure evil--- and what I can say to that is, well, karma is a bitch. Yet, at the same time, the Italian in me immediately is charged up with respect loyalty. I respect my friends and my family. I'm loyal -- to a fault. It's wrong but I hold everyone up to those standards, only to be consistently let down.
People are assholes. Plain and simple.
No comments:
Post a Comment