Monday

As my husband loves to say, I have a lot of noise in my head.  I don't think there is a better way to describe someone who has anxiety issues because it's true, my mind is racing at all times.  It just more or less depends on how fast its racing.  What I do know is this: when I need to write, I need to write.  No matter what I am doing needs to stop and I have to sit down and type.  This can be challenging when you're a working full time mom but I try to grab on to it when I can.

Every day, a close friend and I say to one another "Today is going to be a good day."  She and I both have had somewhat challenging times in the last couple of years and we decided that we need to be more positive.  Believe it or not, it does work. The whole giving off positive energy can really bring positive energy back to you. The repetition of this mantra works but.... not everything works all the time.

Today is not a good day for me-- mentally.  I'm feeling uneasy, tired, weak, anxious, sad and lonely.  I know this all stems from shopping for jeans the other day.  I addition to the fact that too much time alone with myself is always a bad thing.  I think way too much and look for distraction.  I was able to do that today, not with work but in other ways.  My husband has been away on business for a few days and is pretty much on his way home from the airport as I type.  I truly can't wait to see him....  I need to see him--- I missed him so much and he was gone for such a short time.  Yet, at the same time, I'm excited he's home because all I can think about it going to bed and forgetting the day. When he gets home, I just want to get in bed and be left alone-- which is a contradiction, I know.

I'm either on the verge of a nervous breakdown, again or just hitting a bump in the road.  I won't know until I'm sorted out.  Since he was away, I didn't take all of my medication because it interferes with me being 100% and I needed to be 100% for my daughter.  I can't drive on most of my medication and refuse to take the chance of being on it and an emergency happens.  I never take my medication without telling my husband I've taken it, what I've taken and know that he is going to be there.  As a mother, I can't be alone with her on my meds.  That's the decision I have made as a parent-- good or bad.

So this need....  this desire....  this feeling of jumping out of my skin could be from a combination of all of this.  But right now, what I want more than anything is to go to bed.  Get under the covers and not wake up until tomorrow in the hopes that it's a better day. There are days I can't deal --- with anything and today is one of them.  Right now I am totally stream of consciousness writing and may not be making any sense but I wonder if there is a way to make sense of this. 

This emotional roller coaster I'm on reminds me of those times I would get the urge to just sit in the closet floor.  Not my walk in closet, but an actual closet. It never made sense to me why I needed to do it but for some reason, I felt safe and happy sitting on a closet floor in a small space. Even that sounds better to me right now than being awake and dealing with my thoughts.  Clearly the eating disorder is out of control.  It's not like I'm blowing the lid off an exclusive story.  I'm anorexic.  It's really bad.  I can't stop. Pretty much that's it in a nutshell.  I'm not blind to it--- I see it.  I don't need to be constantly reminded of it.

Again, today I've had nothing but coffee which is know is fucking stupid. Everyone says, "You can eat, you just choose not to."  That's starting to really grate on my nerves but that's not the case at all.  I know my husband is going to be pissed and I know that the friends I have who read this are going to be pissed and I know my therapist is going to tell me I need to go away to get help.  I'll eat dinner-- I always do.  It's just the other 23 hours of the day that I don't eat. A huge problem I'm having is its becoming physically difficult to work.  Some days I'm on fire and get shit done and shine like a star but other days, like today, I get stuck. It's interfering with my ability told hold down a job but based on my reviews, I'm fooling everyone.

Wait-- the best way to describe how I feel right now is this: (some of you may or may not get this reference but here goes...).  One of the best movies Tom Hanks has ever made is The Money Pit. The movie is about a couple renovating a home and essentially keep throwing good money away to turn this disaster into their dream house.  My all time favorite scene is when Tom Hanks is walking through the house, in the dark looking for his girlfriend, and sinks into a huge hole in the floor covered by a Persian rug.  He sinks so far down that all you can see is his head and his hands.  He can't move at all and is stuck there until his girlfriend finally comes home and pull him out.  Obviously, what makes this funny is mostly the one liners Tom throws out since the actual scene I just described doesn't sound nearly as funny as it is.  My long winded point is--- I feel like I'm stuck in a hole waiting for someone to pull me out.

I'm tired.  I can't fight this anymore.  I don't have the strength or the will in me to try.  Telling me I'm going to die should be enough.  Telling me to do it for my daughter should be enough. Again, I'm having a really rough day and there could be a million reasons why today is how it is because in all honesty, it's not like this every day. 

One of the reasons I love this blog is it allows me to unload without burdening anyone else with my problems. I know they are tired of hearing about it-- even though they say they aren't.  And really, they have their own lives to life and problems to deal with that the anorexic friend becomes more of an annoyance than anything else. My intentions have been to limit my discussions of the eating disorder in order not to place stress on anyone, but I may be way off.  I could be talking about it to the point that they want me to stop and I can't see it.  Even though, I still want to go upstairs and sleep, I at least know I didn't bore anyone with my venting of frustration. By the time one of my friends has the time to sit and read this, I'll be out of the funk I'm in....  I won't be better but I'll be having a better day and will get through the day by myself.