Being a self proclaimed fashion whore (which is totally different from a label whore contrary to what most people believe), I have been obsessed with Rachel for as long as she has been styling LiLo and Nicole Richie. Before she had her show, her Piperlime picks, and even her own clothing line. I loved her even when Perez Hilton referred to her as Raisin Face. In my best Rachel impression, I was "Ub-sessed." Her celebrities were always styled in a way that was classy and innovative. She had my dream job. She was living my life-- to an extent. I can't help but be jealous of anyone who has had a private tour of CoCo Chanel's apartment above the flagship store in Paris. The assholes around me who think it's about the name and status, can't see beyond their own jealously. It's the style. Chanel says it all. Not because of anything but it stands for timelessness and Karl Lagerfeld does what he can to continue that dream... but enough of CoCo and Karl. This blog isn't about them.
Styling celebrities is a dream I've always had. I have longed to be in the fashion industry in one way or another-- but definitely in a hands on way. As Rachel became more famous, I became more intrigued. I began to emulate some of her style and then when her OWN fashion line came out, and was affordable, I wet myself. Seeing as though I'm "petite" her clothes fit me rather perfectly. Even length wise. Over time, she's become more than a fashion icon to me but a role model, and not in the "successful built my business from the ground up" sort of way but the, I want to look like that way.
Have you seen Rachel? She's not what someone may consider to be healthy. I watch her reality show and I NEVER see her eat and the only thing I ever see her with is the largest Starbucks possible in her hand (sound familiar). Recently she was pregnant and the cameras were following her. She ate on camera and had a healthy pregnancy, even at 38 years old, so the question of having an eating disorder is still on the fence. That being said, I had a very good pregnancy and ate anything and everything I could get my hands on.
But now, I look in the mirror and aside from the hair color, I could be her. Speaking from the perception of others and not myself, I'm little. Beyond little. I recently had the stomach flu which is pretty much the last thing I needed in addition to my eating disorder. I restrict food to begin with -- but to an extent. I never go hours and hours without eating. In this case, I had no choice as I couldn't even keep water down. But, I digress..... I like the way that I look sometimes. I'm enjoying my thighs not touching, if I can be honest. Bad, I know. Very bad.
I look at Rachel and over the years there has been constant speculation that she's anorexic and I'm 90% sure she is. Even before I was so far deep into my addiction I thought so. People talk shit about her weight all the time and she either blows it off or she doesn't. Based on what I see/read, it sort of depends on what's said and who says it. Today, I walked into work in my 00-7 jeans and got looks to kill. I'm not sure if it was the jeans or extraneous nonsense that has been going on in this office for months but I have a feeling the jeans caused the looks of contempt, anger and ignorant judgment. It was my Rachel Zoe moment.
clearly I look in the mirror before I leave the house everyday but looking in a mirror does nothing for me. My mirror is truly the reflection of myself in other people's eyes. Rachel seems OK. So, maybe I'm OK? It's clearly no coincidence that I've had a cold, bronchitis and the stomach flu all within 6 weeks. My immune system has weakened. I'm going to work on that though and take a vitamin. That should do something. Maybe a bottle of Ensure once in a while? I don't know.
I adore Rachel. I really do but I'm starting to think she's a trigger. I've transformed myself into her. I wonder in the back of my mind how big she really is. Personally, I think if we were standing side by side, she'd be smaller than me but given that my waist is 24 inches, I don't know. I certainly don't have an honest perspective of myself. My question is, will I ever?
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