Out of the corner of Sporty's eye, she notices a girl standing in line wearing one of the god awful free NKOTB Cruise 2012 backpacks that look good on, um, NO ONE and says, very matter of factly, "on anyone else that backpack would look like a suitcase." Baby and I lost all control. Laughter erupted, tears were shed, urine leaked... It wasn't even what she said but how she said it that made us fall over. From that moment on, Sporty became constant comic relief for the remainder of the cruise. Some of the more famous one liners:
Sporty: Shut up, I have heat stroke (this was how mostly every sentence ended)
Sporty: Fuck off _____
Sporty: I'm going to knock a bitch out.
Sporty: I can't fucking take these God Damn people. Jesus Christ
Sporty (to random people): Is there a problem? Do you have a problem?
Me: I am only allowed 20 minutes of exercise a day.
Sporty: ____, if I hear you say that one more time, I'll strangle you.
Obviously these are all inside jokes and only Baby and Sporty are laughing but I had to share. I'm sure there are more but these were heard just about every hour or so. Sporty's fabulous rating is a 10 which is why she is allowed to bunk with us but on top of that, she's our Earl, World of Useless and Jared all rolled into one.
Finally the line begins to move and we entered into Danny's one man show followed by Joe's one man show. Danny is amazing--- he's made for a genre that isn't pop. His voice is incredible and when he sings acoustically, he sounds amazing. He's sweet, funny and nice. A real person. Side story to attest to Danny's incredibleness: Sporty and I stood in line for hours for a CD signing in Boston for The Block. It would be her first time ever meeting them and my first encounter with them since I was 18. When I saw Donnie and all his glory, all I could say was, "Donnie, I'm 14 weeks pregnant and got up at 4 am to get here to see you. I love you so much." Yup. I'm an idiot. Danny, who was sitting right next to Donnie, looked at me and said, "Oh wow. How is your pregnancy going? Are you feeling ok? Thank you so much for coming out." Really? How gentlemanly!!!!! Considering I had just hugged Donnie it's a miracle that I remembered.
Joe came out next and well.... I hope he's taking his Prozac too. Fuck, that boy has some issues. We would get along as buddies swimmingly. I had no idea what kind of fucked up he was but holy shit, wow. He's literally as crazy as I am but arguably in a better place. No thanks to the other 4 guys that emotionally abused him as a teenager. Damn New Kids. But Joe did what he does best--- sing and say fuck. The show was raw and intense and impossible to forget. He opened up to the audience and was so comfortable with all of us. There were tears and jokes and most of all Broadway songs. He will do a one man show on Broadway one day. He's an amazing storyteller and I feel lucky to have seen it live. Not to mention his voice. That voice! I adore him and now that I know he's an emotional wreck, I love him that much more. We were all lucky that night---- it was raining pretty hard so he stayed on stage MUCH longer than we anticipated. This was one of those moments that reminds me why I do this cruise every year.
The real show was about to go down on the lido deck. Oh yeah. We did it last year and by popular demand, we did it again. The foam finger was back in action bitches. Yup. Three morons with foam fingers. If you watch any videos or see any pictures, you'll see three hands swaying in perfect sync. Laugh all you will but that finger got me on a couch with Donnie. Most importantly, this year we were recognized because of the finger. Sure, you can walk around with your "insert Wood here" panties or "I wanna fuck Donnie" t-shirt, but to really gain attention, you carry around a foam finger and make a complete fool of yourself.
Since we were all in our jammies, we waited with baited breath to see what the guys would be wearing. They showed up in satin Hugh Hefner like pj's with matching robes. *sigh* I don't know.... I got lost somewhere around Donnie being on a platform with the wind blowing his flowing purple satin pajama bottoms making the sight oh so perfect. For the record, he doesn't wear underwear.... except under a toga. I think there was music. I know there was a crowd. Maybe even the other 4 guys. Who knows? Who the fuck cares? Donnie's pajama pants were blowing in the wind. I watched nothing else for 2 hours. And then suddenly, after a break..... The horns sounded.
Two of the Greek Trojan Gods who lead this Nation, this Block Nation, emerged from the back of the boat. They returned in their togas, fully protected (fuckers) and began to announce their members: Condomus, Anus, Taintus, Orgasmus and Climaximus. I really can't do it justice. Just watch this:
We awoke the next morning with butterflies in our stomachs. This was it!!! I was getting my one on one time with Donnie. The girls and I made ourselves pretty and ran down to the lounge. I think I've seen happier faces at a funeral. Wow, it was bad. Not one girl came out of the M&G looking happy at all. This wasn't going to be good. Some douchebag in a yellow rose tours T-Shirt was screaming rules: WALK IN! STAND NEXT TO ANY GUY! SMILE ON THE COUNT OF 1-2-3! LEAVE! DO NOT WORRY ABOUT STANDING NEXT TO YOUR FAVORITE NEW KID! JUST GET IN AND GET OUT! But was this guy alright? Um, do you know these girls will kill you? A: don't talk to human beings like that (even if some of these girls deserve it) and B: don't think you're cool because you know the guys. GET OVER YOURSELF, DUDE. I understand that they wanted the process to move quickly and efficiently. I get it. The line may have been long but we moved fast. Luckily, our group of 10 was one of the last of Group A to get in to see the guys. By this time, everyone had calmed the fuck down.
I will admit, my moment was fast but I beelined it to Donnie and got my little arms around him. By cruise three we have perfected our group of 10 with awesome girls. It's very well balanced that each New Kid had 2 fans. My Donnie counterpart was very sweet and which made it easy for the two of us to each get a hug/kiss. I was more nervous than usual because I had something I needed to say to Donnie. It was more intimidating than usual because he wasn't hiding behind sunglasses (no doubt after numerous survey complaints) so when I talked to him, he was looking me in the eye. Phew! that was a moment. I made my counterpart cry and I welled up too. It was my moment. No, I don't have any pictures this year and I don't have any autographs but I had that moment. That 60 second moment which ended in a huge hug and kiss. Yup. I was good. Being called "baby" by the ever so suave Joey Mac doesn't hurt either.....
Ok, so now what? Eat, bingo, nap. That summed up the day. We needed to recover from yesterday's sun-tragedy before gearing up for 90's Night. Much needed to be done in a short time to transform ourselves into: THE SPICE GIRLS
TO BE CONTINUED
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