Heat Stroke

Being early cruisers did have one minor setback - our room wouldn't be ready for HOURS.  Yes, that's right, HOURS.  So, what's a girl to do? ....eat?  Hmmm.  Ok.  This is dicey.  Two important factors come into play: eating is not what I do and I wasn't ready to face the rest of the cruisers.  I was just enjoying alone time with Sporty and Baby.  But, given that we were living on the sun, the only way I could keep cool was to be in the buffet so off we went.  After 20 minutes on the main buffet floor, I had already had my fill of screaming crazy girls with offensive costumes/t-shirts/hats which were designed especially for this occasion.  I shouted out my ONLY good idea over the 5 days and said, "Um, let's go upstairs." Sporty, who also is not a fan of people, was quick to second.  We booked it upstairs and began to lounge and revel in the semi-quiet area.  I guess some other girls soon followed but given that I don't remember them, they must have been quiet and acted normal, which is a good thing.

Baby and I ate lunch while Sporty took in as much time on her iPhone as she could before Internet service was lost.  As usual, this princess wasn't happy. Oh no, not me.  No, I had to be an asshole.  I had to complain about how cold I was.  Yup.  Couldn't just sit comfortably at the table and be happy I was on the boat. Instead, I had to pitch a fit about the A/C vent I was sitting under.  In order to shut my yappy mouth, we all moved to another table.  You may ask, why is she going on about this?  Well, here's why no sooner do we move but an entourage of big big big men and Earl, a wall in and of himself, make their way upstairs while hiding three important men: Danny, Jordan and Donnie. And where do they sit? Right next to the table we were fucking sit at until I opened my big, fat, mouth.  To add insult to injury, my back was turned to them so I had to live most of the moments through commentary from Baby.

When I saw Donnie, I tried to be stealth and whipped out my iPhone ready for a photo op, but given the "OH MY GOD" I screamed was actually out loud and NOT just in my head, Earl gave me the "girl, you need to put that phone shit away NOW" look. Damn. In my defense, I didn't realize Donnie was about to sit and eat.  I thought he was just passing through..... I would never bother him when he's eating. Especially now that I've seen them eat.  If I did bother them, I may have been eaten alive. Damn, these guys can eat.  Fortunately, in addition to my NKOTB important people radar skill, I can also listen in on people's private conversations and pick up on them very well.  I wish I could say that I'm a better person and I didn't listen, but I did.  I heard their conversations. I couldn't tell you now what they were talking about specifically but weirdly enough, this felt normal.  Normal that my pretend boyfriend was sitting only inches from me.  After a few minutes, the excitement butterflies died down a little and I just enjoyed being in the same air with them.  There is very little doubt that the guys didn't recognize our faces.  It was a "shared moment" and the details remain fresh in my memory. Soon, the remaining New Kids followed.  The girls and I refer to this time as "New Kid Jail." Once you were there, it was pretty much understood that you couldn't leave for fear the word might spread on their current location. No Facebook. No Twitter.  Nothing.

After what seemed like a very long meal, the guys left.  No doubt to nap because, shit, that's what I would do after a meal like that. Once released, we checked out our room only to find that most of the bags arrived (earlier than expected) and our room was ready.  At this point, the only thing left to do was decorate our door.  This year's creative theme: Fifty Shades of NKOTB. We liked it.  Our door was posted with witty cartoons ("I still fantasize about marrying Donnie Wahlberg") and pictures of us and various New Kids. Sadly, we didn't win the contest but that wasn't the only trick up our sleeves... oh no.  There's more.

Ok- so I know that the drill for drowning is mandatory but Sporty and I disagree.  She and I saw Titanic-- the goal is to get on the life boat.  Got it.  We all hid on our extended balcony and missed the drill.  We "couldn't hear it" so we couldn't go.  As sad as that may seem, it all worked out in the end because since we missed the drill, we got prime standing for the sail away party.  Phew! All of the anticipation from August truly builds up to this moment-- the first time we see the guys.  Sure, we all had lunch but there is a difference.  Seeing them in the hot sun shining glory and DJ Cheapshot at Ye Olde DJ Booth, is a whole different experience.  After some partying and rum cocktails ("Officially the Best Day Ever"), they emerged and although the official cruise song is "Live It Up!" for the rest of the Spice Girls and myself, it's the Party Rock Anthem.  It was magical-- we laughed and danced and screamed (ok, that was just me because dammit I can't help myself--- especially when the shirt comes off).  This momentous occasion was topped off by Baby getting a picture with her favorite New Kid, Jon.  For fuck's sake-- thank God.  This has not just been three years in the making but DECADES.  I may have nudged ....or shoved her, but she got it.   Not only did she get the picture but on her first try-- it came out awesome.  Clearly, I think it should be made into a poster or mounted on canvas, but she's more low key about it than I am.

First night's theme was Red Carpet Affair where we were dressed in our finest cruise red carpet attire complete with sparkly foam crowns.  We take this shit seriously. Off we were to NKOTB Hollywood Squares.  Out seats were Row A and although there were three rows before us, we still count it as the first row because A is the first letter in OUR alphabet....  Just not NKOTB's. We were excited. ...that is until Timmy.  Yes, Timmy.  Timmy showed up to our row double fisted and DRUNK.  Not fun, playful drunk but obnoxious--woohoo--squealing drunk.  This made me very UNHAPPY.  As luck would have it, the girl who was seated next to Sporty, didn't show up for any of the shows so I happily stole her seat. So here is my shout out and thank you to the missing New Kid fan for giving her seat to me.

My favorite part of the cruise is always these game shows.  It allows the guys to show their personality (or lackthereof). The game show was hosted by a shirtless Donnie Wahlberg. Hmmm.... I think that sums it up.  Yeah.  Oh, and drunk Jon made his appearance (along with Drunk Donnie-- who made more appearances than usual). The second show is always filled with swearing (does Joe know another word besides fuck?) and dirty-ness.  I love it.  We made it to the lido deck but made only a brief appearance.  The day's festivities wore out these spices and as much as I love watching drunk Jon and shirtless Donnie, we called it an early night somewhere around 2:30 am. We were back in our cabin to watch NKTV on a continuous loop for the next 4.5 days.

We woke up only to find we were anchored away in the Bahamas and ready to be sent to the island of Half Moon Cay to get "Shipfaced."  Yes, friends-- it was concert time! ...maybe.  So, I have never been a fan of getting off the boat-- for any reason, and this year I realized that even a half naked Donnie isn't even worth getting off a boat.  My first cruise, I didn't get off the boat and never regretted it.  Since then, well, I've gone astray from that philosophy and it NEVER TURNS OUT GOOD.  So we may have been able to get on the island earlier than in the past but what this actually meant was we could sit in the ocean EVEN LONGER to wait for our boys arrival. Now, because we were apparently on the equator somewhere, the heat was oppressive.  Sure, floating around in the crystal clear ocean may sound awesome on any given day, through in 150 degrees of heat and it sucks. Really sucks.  Baby had applied SPF 100 and Sporty, well, she went through a whole pre-tan ritual complete with the essential oil of the platypus, to get her brown sugar tan.  Me- I just applied what ever shit I could every 15 seconds because I didn't want to burn. I did though. And so did Baby, as usual.  But then the impossible happened.  Sporty burned.  Yes, it's true-- she burned.  I know what you guys are saying, "that's completely impossible!!!!" but no, it happened.  Shocking.  In the eons I've known her, she has NEVER burned.  I actually thought it was physically impossible but hey, if Snooki is able to procreate then Sporty is able to burn.  What a world!

How was the concert you asked?  I couldn't tell you. Listen, I love watching the guys sing--- it's my happy place but after twenty minutes, I could hear Donnie changing the lyrics to Tonight by singing "la la la la la la heat stroke. la la la la la la sun burn" and the concert was over.  Guys, seriously, ENOUGH WITH THE ISLAND CONCERT. It sucks for them.  Sucks for us.  Girls pass out and die (sort of).  STOP THE INSANITY. We abandoned the hot molten lava for a cooler, happier place--- also known as the mid ship bar--- for pina coladas.  We ran into a friend of ours who left the island early and cooled off with these fun fruit smoothies. I'm sure we (Sporty and I)  napped afterwards because the sun sucked the life out of us.  Thank God that night was Up Close and Cuddly and we could party in our pajamas-- that is if we could lift our arms and change.   I think this was the night Sporty went delirious..... One liners were born because we learned EVERYTHING is funnier in the heat.
                          TO BE CONTINUED