C-Day

It's here.  The big day.  Chemotherapy is beginning and then she is off to radiation.  Both treatments will be going on simultaneously.  Although Chemo is only once a week, radiation is EVERY DAY.  The next 6 weeks cannot go by fast enough.  Since I am 35 and live in her basement, every morning I go up stairs before I leave for work to kiss her good bye (clearly I'm Italian).

Walking up the stairs to see her I felt my heart in throat as I didn't know what to expect.  Was she going to be a wreck like I AM?  Was she going to be silent and scared? Or even worse, crying? (if there is one thing I can't handle, it's seeing my mom cry.  It breaks my heart into a million pieces). But, Um, NO.  I didn't encounter any of that.  Instead, there she was packing a snack, making sure her Kindle was charged and getting ready to iron her clothes (yes, my mom is the only person who doesn't go in lounging clothes for chemo I'm sure).  With a big smile, I got my normal, "Good Morning Princess.  How did you sleep?"  as if it were any other Wednesday.  It was as if she was getting ready for a day of errands--- not a day of having poisonous chemicals being pumped through her.  It was at that moment I decided, my mom is the bravest woman I know and I can only aspire to more like her. 

Today, SHE is MY inspiration to remain calm and stay positive.  I have mounds of guilt not being there with her but next week it's my turn.  For weeks I thought she was putting up a front of being brave and positive but it's not a front--- it's real.  She knows she is going to beat this and I need to join that club. Seriously, if she's not scared, then why am I?  When I left for work, I wished her luck and told her I loved her--- like I do everyday. Today I will think of the big hug she gave me, because for a split second, I felt like everything was going to be all right.

I can't lie, today I wish I had a brother or a sister that I could call to share this burden.  I've never regretted being an only child except for now and when my dad died.  Maybe it would be nice to have an older sibling to sit and hold my hand while we cry together or even encourage one another to stay positive. 

I am working today and it will be tough but I am surrounded by amazing co-workers and a truly understanding manager which may help.  My intention is to keep busy here and start to focus on the exciting events coming up over the next few weeks.