I've been completely honest from day one that I am on a handful of drugs to get me through this and I've gotten shit for it. But I want to start from the beginning to make it clear. I've been on and off antidepressants since my father died. They helped me a great deal to pick myself up out of bed and get on with the day. Not long after his death, I started law school and was introduced to something called a "panic attack." I remember the very first one like it was yesterday. My heart was pounding so fast, I couldn't catch my breathe and for some odd reason, the only place I felt safe was sitting in a closet. Fucked up, I know. Clearly this wasn't depression and I was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder. I went off the meds for a brief period of time because I thought I was OK (it was actually the drugs working). BIG mistake. BIG. My fear of death had quadrupled and a new fear of flying had set in.... So here I am back on pills and I'm not ashamed of it.
Today I had a conversation with a friend who seems to suffer from similar issues and I discussed the pros and cons (mostly pros) of taking a daily medication to assuage the anxiety. If I was diabetic, I would take insulin. It's the same thing to me. I know it's a crutch but it's helping me get through this one day at a time.
Only children have a great deal of time by themselves and tend to fixate on "stuff." Right now I fixate on my mom's disease. When you're alone all the time as an only child, you dwell. It's just what you do because you have no one to talk to so you internalize. Normally, if I have a problem, I talk to my mom but clearly I can't do that now so I internalize which leads to the panic attacks which requires the meds.
Anyway, I digress... My newest drug is Klonipin. I've had it before but my dosage has been raised. It's a drug that I can take and still drive so it's not as hardcore as Xanax. I never take any meds (except my daily one) while my daughter is in my care and I tend not to drive on the Klonipin, just to be safe. No matter what, I am responsible with them because I have my daughter to take care of and she is my number one priority. But recently, I have experience a side affect from this drug that I was NOT anticipating and this was too good not to share.
I tend to talk and talk and talk on a normal basis but Klonipin causes me to have NO filter at all. Once the thought pops in my head, it comes out my mouth instantly. It's something you need to be careful with for sure and after a fun text message tete a tete with a friend, I realized that I need to filter myself more and NOT share my inner thoughts. Fortunately, it was a friend that doesn't take me too seriously but also thinks I'm funny as shit so it was fun and harmless. I simply shared information that should have been kept on the inside and not the outside.... I was briefly mortified of my diarrhea of the mouth but then I had another Aha! moment.
Life is too fucking short. I am going to say what I want to say (short of hurting someone's feelings). If I have something to say, I am going to say it. Surprisingly, I do have a filter at times. But you know what? Fuck that shit. I'm not going to hold back anymore. Honestly, it's not about hurting feelings or being inappropriate, it's about being honest about what I'm thinking. This makes life more fun and a hell of a lot more interesting.
My mom always said that it wasn't necessary to express every thought I have the second I have it but, again, fuck that shit. I get one life and I'm not holding back anymore. Next, Donnie Wahlberg better watch out Friday because I have LOTS to say.
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