Sadly the miraculous chemo recovery lasts about 6 minutes. Since yesterday, mom's been getting increasingly weak, tired and battling severe stomach upset. She promised to ask for help if she needs it but the problem is, she WON'T ask for help. She won't even be honest about how she feels. When you ask, the response is always, "Oh, I'm just fine." Does just fine mean you sleep for hours at a time? Or that you have no appetite? I think not.
We are berated by her when we ask her what she needs or how she feels. Instead, we just sit there. My daughter is the only thing which appears to bring her some type of happiness but after about 10 minutes, she's too weak to play with her.
I feel helpless..... I want to do what I can to make her feel better but there's nothing I can do, and if there was she wouldn't tell me. I know that part of me is trying to overcompensate for my total absence during my father's illness. Sure, I was away at college but I was less than an hour away. My mom nursed him day and night while I was in Boston having a great time with my friends. I have many, many. many regrets about how I handled my father's illness. I should have done more.
My time here at this house is limited. We're scheduled to move into our new house before the end of the month and now is my time to try and help her. She isn't alone by any means but I feel useless. Even if I could help, let's not forget, she LIES. She is the WORST patient-- but I am sure nurses make the worst patients. They can take care of themselves and they don't need any help. But they're wrong.
It gives me knots in my stomach.... I wonder what's going to happen after her next chemo treatment on Tuesday. My husband tells me I need to stop worrying about things I can't control--- but that's not me. I need to control everything. I'm an only child -- that's what we fucking do. We try to control everything and make it work how we want it to be.
So what are my options? I don't know. I try to be a mom in the midst of all this but I can guarantee if I were to be graded right now I'd get a C... or maybe a C+. I have a great deal of things going on in my life that I should be excited about it but I'm not. I just feel helpless and sad....
No one is worse than MY MOM! She taught me and my sisters to to be independant, while its a good thing, it was difficult to guage how I can be helpful...at 12. So, as my mom was sick in bed after her chemo treatments, I was downstairs keeping Vicky and Melissa occupied, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. Really, I just tried to take over the things that she normally did to alleviate her "chores" so that she can be in bed resting. I think she appreciated that more than me hovering over her. You know you're mom better than anyone. You'll never be helpless. Just knowing that you & the baby are around is the best medicine. <3
ReplyDeleteI forget about your story. It gives me hope that my mom is going to be ok.
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