In the last week, I've had some pretty exciting things happen to me. The house we've been building for the past 10 months is ready to become a home. Living in my mom's basement has been.... an experience. Although I appreciate all that she's done, it's not easy to go back home at 34 with your husband and a daughter. The closet of my dreams is complete. It looks amazing and I feel like a much cuter version of Carrie Bradshaw when I stand in it. Only difference will be instead of Manolos, my shoe rack will display Louboutins.
When I thought it couldn't get any more exciting, it did. I was able to book a cabin on the NKOTB cruise for May of next year. I'm not ashamed, I embrace my love for Donnie Wahlberg. Even though I thought it was going to be a once in a life time experience, it turns out this will be my second time going.
And what's the most exciting thing?? My birthday is coming up. Every only child (at least everyone I know) makes a HUGE deal about their birthday. Just because you get older doesn't mean the parties stop. I've been celebrating big on my birthday for years. It's not just a day of celebration.... It's a week... or even a whole month depending on the activities. My mom has always made my birthday the most special day EVER and she has never missed a year. I'm sure this year will be no different.
Here's the problem.... I can't get in the mood to celebrate. I've lost track of how many days until my birthday. I don't even have PLANS for my birthday. Layer that with how I feel terrible I'm moving out of this basement.... Or even taking this cruise. I shouldn't be happy, I should be sad. When my mind starts to wander from worrying about my mom, and I think about what I should be thinking about (ie. plan on how to decorate or what I'll say to Donnie when I see him AGAIN) I feel guilty. Not just a little guilty, but enough guilt that it drives me to the point of tears. I don't have the right to be happy right now-- it's not a happy time. Right?
How can I move out when my mom needs me to take care of her (even though I have been literally kicked out upstairs for being too depressing to look at)? I'm her only child, she needs me and now I'm leaving her. I'm moving only minutes away but it's not the same. When she got sick and needed to go to the emergency room, I was the only one there who could take her.... What happens now if she happens to be alone? It's rare that she is alone but again, what if??
The guilt is terrible.... it eats away at me like a tiny gnat. I really want to be excited about all these things but I feel so selfish. It feels unfair to be happy when I know I should be sad. Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty sad 85% of the time. I try to hide it best I can when I'm in a social environment but I'm sad. Oh and scared, let's not forget scared.
It's hard enough to be an only child and balance this guilt, but with my ethnic background contributing, it's almost unmanageable. I'm probably on the verge of a nervous breakdown of epic proportion. Clearly, I'm my own worst enemy but aren't we all?
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