Since my mom's diagnosis, I've read books and blogs and pamphlets and web pages and everything else you can imagine in order to become the greatest authority on Esophageal Cancer. It wasn't easy to stay away from the statistics (which are bleak) but I focused only on Stage I related information. Since my husband imposed a moratorium on my use of WebMD or even that fun Mayo Clinic site, I was able to gather a great deal of information. My type A personality has completely taken over now--- because there is a BINDER. I have collected articles as well as the literature my mom's team of doctor's have given her. Clearly, she has strict instructions from me to ask for any additional reading material when she sees her doctors. It's good for me to be in the know.
Now, this isn't my first time at the rodeo. I know how this Cancer thing works first hand but I just kept digging to find more information. Then as I was organizing my binder I realized something very important--- I am overcompensating. I don't even think overcompensating fully describes what I'm doing-- I'm going to extremes.
When my dad was diagnosed with Cancer, I was 20 years old. He wasn't going to die because I was too young to have my dad die, obviously. He had to walk me down the aisle right? Dad's don't die before you get married-- because they have to walk you down the aisle. I focused on this a lot... I remember when the doctor gave us the news, I cried because well, that's what you do. But I heard phrases like "Stage IV" and "inoperable" and "spread fast" but then I was told he had an 89% chance of survival. So I focused on this statistic and listened to the doctor's positive attitude. From what I know NOW, Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma in Stage IV is pretty aggressive. But I was so focused on being positive and know that it was impossible for my dad to die.
I paid no attention to how big the tumor was or how sick chemo was making him. I also didn't think anything about the hair loss... or that he couldn't keep warm.... or that he had to retire... or that he couldn't drive anymore.... or that he wasn't eating. Nope, instead, I went to class or shopping with my friends. On the weekends, instead of going home to visit I partied with my friends because I was 20 and my father wasn't going to die.
Things looked OK for a while.... Then we got the news he was terminal. Hmmph. How can that be possible? He had a 89% chance of survival now they were giving him three months to live. Here I was, getting ready to graduate from college and my dad told me he was going to die. That there was nothing they could do at this point. I truly didn't understand. I kept hope alive that he was going to at least be here for graduation. He was alive but couldn't make it. He died 4 days later.
I blamed everyone around me who knew more than I did. I never understood how sick he really was. The Internet was up and running, so I'm sure I could have found some information but the easiest way would have been to open my eyes and ask questions. I didn't know what to do until it was too late.
Well, I'm much older and wiser now. I ask too many questions and read too much material but I can't be blindsided again. Too much information can be a bad thing --- no doubt about it. I didn't know anything when my dad was sick, which was my own fault so this time around I need to know EVERYTHING. I want to be prepared. My mom has pretty much told me I'm driving her crazy so I know I need to lay off.
My research has paid off in some ways. I now know that Stage I recovery is much better than Stage IV. I hold on to that hope but it's hard to be positive after what I've already lived through. I try to be positive and now that I've had this Aha! moment, then maybe I'll lay off the Internet.... at least for a little while.
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