I Thought This Was the Easy Part????

She did it.  She finished the entire treatment of chemo-radiation.We all had moments where we doubted she was going to continue but she did and I am proud of her.  Dr. S told us the treatment would be a breeze but that wasn't the case AT ALL.

Now that she has finished, it's important her esophagus heals before the re-section surgery takes place.  According to Dr.K, the radiologist, during the healing process, it will feel as if a sunburn was peeling.  Sounds pretty painful and it is. Since she can't swallow pills, she's taking liquid morphine....  and EVEN THAT isn't helping.  Mom will be the first to say she isn't the best with pain, but for morphine to not even touch the pain, there has to be something worse going on right?  I'm not a positive person so of course I've decided the Cancer has spread and she is in pain from massive tumors taking over her entire body (even those the pain is localized).  Logical assumption?  Not at all.  Typical for me?  Absolutely.

To make things worse, I'm no longer in the house.  This is starting to add to my anxiety and I have gone back to popping pills as if they were M&M's.  Usually I call her at night, but the morphine makes her tired and she's sleeping so I've started calling her from work.  BAD IDEA.  Every time I talk to her, she cries.  Her crying leads to knots in my stomach. I know, here I am bringing the focus back to me.  But indulge for a moment--- It's getting harder and harder to be supportive and strong, when I'm too upset to deal with the reality of what is going on with her. 

I have no idea what to say to her and whatever I do say, is the wrong thing.  It's hard not to take it personally but I know that's what I need to do.  Being in BDH ("Barbie's Dream Home") has brought such joy to me and my husband.  I cherish moments where we are all sitting at the kitchen table on a Sunday morning having breakfast but, there is that tiny guilt gnat gnawing at the base of my brain. The guilt that I shouldn't be happy.... that I should be there....

Clearly, I'm the worst daughter in the world right?  (that's a rhetorical question, no comments please).  I know that if I wasn't a mom, I would be there more for my mom.  Even though she's sleeping most of the time, I know she appreciates the company.  I guess it's obvious what I need to do here, I need to find a way to get there more often.  I've been so wrapped up in my own life and BDH that I haven't done enough.  Is it ever enough though?  Will I ever not feel guilty? 

So, if this was the easy part..... What's going to happen AFTER surgery?  FML.