Open Letter

My wedding anniversary is coming up soon. I never forget, but clearly I have other things on my mind so it "momentarily slipped my mind."  It sort of just hit me today that I need to make a run to Hallmark.  Because my brain doesn't work normally, the remembrance of buying anniversary cards led me through a series of thoughts which ended with a review of those men in my life who brought me here...  to the happiness I've found in my husband. Now that I have this blog, I wanted to take a minute to write an open letter to thank the guys I've dated/was involved with for so many things.  So if you'll indulge me:

To Mr. GTL: I would like to thank you for making me realize sooner, rather than later that Italian men make shitty boyfriends/husbands.  Although I was attracted to the fact you were tan in the middle of February and you drove a suped up ride, your priorities were literally gym, tan and laundry before it became a catch phrase.  Make no mistake, we never did anything I wanted and most of all, it was your way or no way.  FYI, seeing a grown man pout isn't sexy.  It's a turn off. I'm not sorry that I didn't pick up the phone on the first ring or that I didn't call you back seconds after I received your voicemail.  Thank you for being typical Italian.  You wore it well.

To the Cop: You my friend played a very important role. My involvement with you taught me the signs to look for in a cheating spouse.  The lies men tell to hide their infidelities and the denial their wives are in gave me more than just a glimpse into a failing marriage.  I learned to differentiate between lies and the truth. Although I'm not proud of the role I played, the lessons you taught me were invaluable.  Now that I'm married, I see why what we did was so wrong.  I wish I was more mature at the time to realize it sooner. Because of you, I'm able to spot a cheat and a liar miles away--- even for my friends.  Thank you from all of us.

To the Addict: I spent most of my twenties drinking and partying with the rest of my generation.  I thought getting drunk and hooking up a la Jersey Shore was living the life. After dating you, I realized that I needed to find a man who DIDN'T share this philosophy.  Nothing teaches you this lesson better than waking up in bed soaked with another person's urine.  Your drinking and partying is what first attracted me to you, but in the end it's what caused me to leave you.  I hope today you've joined a 12 step program because you needed help that I couldn't give you.  Seeing you on the streets here is just as awkward as the morning I woke up cold and wet in my own bed..... Oh and another thing, you shouldn't try to hook up with one of my sorority sisters and think it won't get back to me.  We have a bond, asshole.

To Douche bag: (I'll refer to him as DB to make it easier). DB, thank you, thank you, thank you for dumping my ass.  It was the best thing you ever did for me.  At the time, I was so overcome by grief I didn't see what a favor this was.  For a long time, I judged a guy by his relationship with his mother.  I thought if he was close to mom, then he'd treat me like a queen.  Boy was I wrong!  It's one thing to be close but to be shunned out of "mommy and me" outings was.... um, weird.  You even made Oedipus look bad.  "Cut the cord" brought on a whole new meaning.  Today, I am married to a man that had NO relationship with his mother and I'm better for it.  I never saw selfish behavior like yours before and although we are no longer in contact, I hear through the grapevine that you are still the same way.  I was convinced for years that YOU were my type.  My husband is everything you're not: loving, kind, generous and honest.  The most important lesson you taught me?  Well, that's simple.  You don't need a Harvard degree to prove that you're an intellectual; sometimes a person is just smart without having to prove it. 

Tomorrow I'll be married 4 wonderful years to an amazing man and I couldn't have gotten here without this (self imposed) abuse... so thanks to all of you.