(Disclaimer: this post is being written by a slightly buzzed, very sleepy blogger.)
Have you ever noticed when you have something going on in your life--- on a particular day-- and you turn on the TV and some lame ass made for TV movie is on or a TV show has a life lesson that completely mirrors the horror show of a day you had. Today that's me.
I had one of the worst days in my life... ever. Although my mom finished her chemo treatments two weeks ago, she still isn't healing as well as she should be. She's been unable to get any food down and if she does get it down, it doesn't stay down. In the midst of this eating nightmare, she started to battle what we thought was a cold, but after spending the entire day in the ER, it turns out she may have a bacterial infection which is preventing her from being able to eat because it's irritating the radiated area and causing constant retching and vomiting. She was very weak as I brought her in for her IV fluids. We've been through this before and it's hard to listen to her beg me to help her, because I lack any ability to give her what she needs, unless it's a hug. As if that weren't enough, two minutes after I brought her into the Comprehensive Cancer Center, as I am checking her in at the nurses desk, I hear a loud crash, a scream and the following words loud and clear: "IT'S A CODE."
The next few seconds seemed like a lifetime because they happened in slow motion but I turn around, only to find out that my mom had passed out and wasn't breathing. Or we weren't sure she was breathing. It's cliche, but it was an out of body experience. It was as if I was watching the whole thing in slow motion. I remember about 10 nurses crowded around her along with a few doctors. Mind you, this is all taking place in the waiting room. I don't remember much.... Some wonderful woman came over, put her arms around me and kept telling me it was going to be OK. I don't know who she was and where she went after that, but for a brief moment, she was my hero and exactly what I needed.
Because my mom was having chest pain, they wheeled her off to the ER to make sure she didn't have a heart attack. What the Fuck? Cancer... now HEART ATTACK. what happened next is a whirlwind and needs an entire blog post --- I had the panic attack to end all panic attacks. More on that at a later date but to write about that now is more than I can handle.
In the end, my mom is OK and resting comfortably. I was told by the GI doc and the oncologist that she was in the best place now and they were going to do everything to make her feel better. No one seemed to think the tumor has grown. They are all still positive about her diagnosis and multiple medical professionals assured me, "this is all completely normal." We were begged by her and the doctors to go home and rest (yeah right, like that could ever fucking happen). After hours of the sitting and waiting, I finally acquiesced and came home to relax. Several glasses of wine, a few klonipin and a warm jacuzzi bath later, I felt better.
....then I turned on Glee. What happens in the first 5 minutes but the widower father of one of the characters has a heart attack. The rest of the episode focuses on religion but more moving than anything is Kurt's rendition of "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" which gives the song a perspective I would have never imagined. It was sung as a child to their parent-- asking to hold their hand, because they needed that closeness as confirmation that everything was going to be OK. It forced me to think of my mom, sitting in that hospital bed, which only led my thoughts to --- what am I going to do if I lose my mom? I wish I were there holding HER hand right now. Holding her hand would give me the comfort that I have been yearning for the last 2 months. I hate to say she's all I have because I have an amazing husband and a beautiful healthy daughter but she's the only mom that I have.
So much for watching TV to relax and unwind. But does this happen to anyone else? Life literally imitating art?
Thank God for the hilarity of Jeff Lewis but dude, my day was rough. Stay tuned for a review of the nervous breakdown.
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