For me, they come out of no where. One minute I'm fine and then the next I can't breathe. They don't always end up with me in tears but when they do, it measures a ten on the "This really sucks" scale..
Let me start from the beginning... The other day when I brought mom into the Cancer center, she wasn't feeling well at all. I can probably say she looked the worst I've seen her in months. Even though it's like ripping out my insides when I see her sick like that, I want to be there. It validates me as a daughter to be able to help but this time it back fired on me. I was given one job-- get mom upstairs to see the doctor.
As I was standing at the nurse's desk, giving her name, I heard a thump, followed by "Oh My God" screams, followed by "CODE!" When I turned around, I saw my mom on the ground. I vaguely heard someone say, "she's not breathing." WHAT THE FUCK? Are you kidding me?
I ran over and calmly sat down while I watched a dozen nurses and doctors work on my mom. It's important to note that she didn't ever stop breathing, she just passed out from the pain. I remember some random lady rubbing my back asking me if I was OK-- I must have turned white as a ghost. It was completely an out of body experience because I sort of remember looking at things from another angle. As if it were a dream but it wasn't.
They lifted my mom onto the gurney and rolled her into the back to examine her and do an EKG. ...this is where it gets really, really, really bad. Per usual, I was breathing at a normal pace... then I was breathing fast.... and then faster.... and then faster.... now I'm hyperventilating to the point of feeling dizzy. I remember trying to focus on breathing in and out but it was completely out of my control by this point. Everyone around me was asking, "are you OK?" --- hmmm, let's see..... I'M HYPERVENTILATING SO CLEARLY NO, I'M NOT OK YOU ASSCLOWNS.
Before I knew it, I was sobbing and saying, "I can't do this anymore......" That's all I could manage to get out of my mouth. I was having a complete and total meltdown. For the first time in three months, I was being honest, out loud, about my feelings. I wasn't hiding behind some thin veil of a positive attitude. I wasn't allowing my guilt of selfishness to hold me back from expressing myself. I really can't do it anymore. I'm tired of worrying all the time.... Every moment of every day is is filled with me worrying about my mom dying. Yeah, I know, unhealthy.....
A nurse from the back appeared from no where and while I was sitting there sobbing, she put her arms around me. She clearly had children because I could feel the maternal-ness (is that a word???) from her. I completely allowed myself to fall into her arms and cry for what seemed like hours. I had been carrying this weight with me for so long and it felt so good to just let go.
She kept telling me that I didn't need to try and fix this. That I didn't need to carry this responsibility anymore. It was time for me to ask for help because there was plenty of people who could help me. Well, that's never been my strong suit. People come to me for support, for help, for a shoulder to lean on.... I don't know how to do that, which is why I have panic attacks.
After the panic attack, I was numb. I was tired. I am tired.
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