When this blog started out, it was to document my struggle with my mom's illness.... it's clearly beginning to take a turn of its own at this point. I am happy to report that I have made a decision to get help with my EDNOS (see previous posts) before it turns into full blown Anorexia. I've realized that I have the support of friends, co-workers, my husband, etc and I can do this. I am going to be entering a program of intense 7 hour a day therapy at an out patient facility and plan on blogging--- a lot. At least that's my thought. I'm still unsure how emotionally draining this process is going to be but I plan to write about it--- as much as I can.
So my mental checklist is almost complete. I've informed work, my close friends, my husband (obviously) and a close family member.... But my mom doesn't know. This is agonizing to say the least. Based on our relationship over the past 35 years, I've been able to talk to her about anything and everything-- even things she DIDN'T want to know. Yet, I sit here with a pit in my stomach thinking about the best way to approach her on this. So far, the coward route is coming out and it's looking more and more that either my husband or her husband is going to tell her. I've played out several scenarios in my head as to how this is going to go (again keep in mind I won't be here when these go on):
Scenario 1: My husband, who can be brutually honest, decides to tell her. Explains to her that while she isn't the sole problem here, she plays a role. How the last nearly year of my life has been a roller coaster of emotion and I've stuffed it down to remain positive so she has the support to get better. That he's tired of the guilt and manipultion she puts me through (which she doesn't see), that I'm pretty fucked up and I've totally relapsed back into what we now call EDNOS (again, see previous posts). He'll continue to go on to tell her that after begging, pleading and threats I've finally realized that I need help. That it's not pretty anymore. That I look horrendous and that he can't understand WHY she hasn't noticed how I've fallen apart.... and accuse her of being in denial. This discussion only turning into her hating him.
Response A to Scenario 1: She gets angry, defensive and accuses me of acting like a 12 year old seeking attention. Then possibly may hit below the belt with I'm being a bad role model for my daughter. And right there are the reasons why I don't want to be the one to tell her because hearing either of those responses will set me back even further. Then her anger turns to me for not telling her and things become more contententious and stressful between us.
Response B to Scenario 1: She is shocked, upset, sad and appalled at what is going on and cries (she tends to be a crier). The she realizes that sometimes, a girl still does need her mother and wants to help me get better. Hopefully lots of hugs and I love yous would ensue.
Scenario 2: Her husband tells her, in a gentler, kinder way everything my husband would say. Tries to impress upon her the seriousness of what's going on and although no one can understand what goes on in my mind, it doesn't mean it's not happening. He'll present the situation without taking sides or placing blame (which is a concern I have with my husband). He has a way with her to see things from a different perpective.
See Responses A and B as possible responses.
Scenario 3: I tell her. There is shock and awe. Also, refer back to Response A to Scenario 1.
So where does this leave me? I have no idea. What makes me the saddest is that I can't talk to her about this. That I can't tell her. One of the reasons: fear it will cause her to be more sick. Not with Cancer obviously but with everything else including her anxiety and nerves.... but most of all, will it drive her to start smoking again??? I don't know. There's no denying that I don't do well with the unknown because I'm a planner.
Her husband suggested I just tell her over the phone sort of matter of factly--- "Oh, by the way, I decided to take a stress leave from work and I'm going to enter a treatment program to help with the stress." Clearly he's delusional if he thinks the conversation would stop there. My mom would want to get to the bottom of it and once again, see Response A to Scenario 1. Of course, she's been sick the last few days so to get her on the phone and actually listen would be a triumph.
I realize, and don't begrrudge her for being wrapped up in herself to get better. Honestly, I'm not looking for anything from her. Maybe a hug and an I love you but this isn't something she can do for me. I need to do it myself. I'm not a big fan of telling her at all but as a mother myself, I would want to know. Besides, I think she'd pick up on the fact that I'm not working.
I fear this is going to ruin my relationship with her even more. In the end, it's the chance I have to take to save myself and my family.
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