Use Only As Directed

For weeks I've been trying to ignore to decent into the dark past of my history with food.  I was personally vindicated when the therapist I'm seeing wouldn't exactly classify me as anorexic.  I've just been saying that all along....  I'm not anorexic but apparently, there is a "label" for me.  It's called "Eating Disorder NOS (not otherwise specified)".  LOVE IT. Why do I love it?  Because it is vague.  It has no meaning to me.  NOS?  If it's NOS then it really doesn't exist.  There isn't a name for it. So, if there isn't a name for it, then I clearly don't have a problem.....  awesome.  Issue solved. 

But not so fast.  In the midst of all this new drama and depression in my life I thought buying a more accurate scale would be a fantastic idea.  Um, eating disorders 101--- don't weigh yourself.  Not only do I weigh myself in the morning, but I weigh myself every time I go to the bathroom to see if it gets more accurate.  Well, my handy dandy super accurate fucking scale had me gain a pound.  GAIN.  FROM WHAT?  There was no possible way I could be gaining weight.  I put barely anything into my mouth.

So from there, I needed a plan. I needed to lose the pound (I have to point out that in the .00001% of my rational mind, I know it's just water weight). Plan A wasn't working so I moved on to Plan B---  which was to purge it out.  I'm so over the whole vomiting thing--- mostly because I vomit almost all the time from my anxiety.  Laxatives have always worked in the past for me so that was my first way to go.  Everyone needs a good cleaning.  Normal dose is 2, so of course, I take 8. 

Where does that leave me?  SICK.  My stomach feels like it's been punched.  But, even though I know I shouldn't, I tell my husband.  That went well....  and I don't mean that sarcastically, it did go well. He didn't get upset.  Actually he had very little reaction so that's good (but not surprising). I know this is really a bottom.  I mean, 8 laxatives?  What the fuck was I thinking?  I'm all set with that and plan to throw out the laxatives.  Feeling this sick right now isn't worth the good, if any, it was suppose to do.

The interesting part to me is this blog started as way to deal with my mom's Cancer diagnosis....  so how did I get here?