Road to Sanity: Day Two

It's funny because during the process of intake into the program, they talk about how many people they tend to lose after the first day.  What the fail to mention is the percentage of people who drop out after day two.  Holy Fuck, Batman.  I don't even know where to begin....  I woke up today feeling better (a little) and ready to go back.  I was tired but ready to take on the next challenge of day two or so I thought.

Even though I refused to make friends because well, let's face it, I could give a shit about having more useless people in my life, especially people who share in my anxiety and stress.  I need more positive energy in my life, but against my instincts I talked to the other women in the group between workshops and therapy.  It was helpful and they give me a perspective from a mom's point of view....  but I digress.

As I was sitting there, learning about reasonable v. emotional mind, I was surprisingly pulled out of my workshop.  I hadn't met my social worker yet, so I thought perhaps this could be her.  Maybe even the occupational therapist they suggested....  but oh no...  I was very, very far off.  It was the fucking registered dietitian.  Why you ask?  To pull me out of the current program and strongly "suggest" I enter their eating disorders program.  Hmmmm....  Funny, I thought I addressed this several time yesterday.  She soaked up over an hour of my time trying to convince me of their "voluntary" eating disorder program and how beneficial it would be to me.  Aside from being totally blindsided by this nonsense, I was pissed and I told her so.  Her selling points were: "but you're so close to being better" and "your stories can help the other girls."  Um, buy the fucking book if you want help.

I debated my eating disorder with her for over 60 minutes saying, I DIDN'T have one while she continued to say I DID.  Finally, she explained the difference between what I see as an anorexic and what the definition of an anorexic, have to do with a state of mind and not a physical look.  OK, fine, I concede. I have unhealthy issues with food, I restrict food.  Fine.  Agreed, let's leave it at that and let me go back to my workshops where I can work on better coping skills.  Thank you.

Possibly 10 minutes later, my psychiatrist calls me out.  I see her on a daily basis anyway so I rolled with it.  Once we got into her office, I told her I was angry about the dietitian she sent to see me which led to her "concern" about my "denial" of an eating disorder.  WHAT-THE-FUCK.  I'm here trying to deal with a bunch of shit and an eating disorder is just a symptom of the overall process so when you trap me in your office and convince me....  sorry, attempt to convince me of my denial, I lose valuable time in these workshops to deal with my REAL issues.

This is all before noon and I STILL haven't been weighed yet.  So I still have that to look forward to-- thank God.  Because so far, this day is going swimmingly.  After the weigh in or thereabouts, I get the surprise of being taken to the lab for blood work.  They call it "routine" but some of the things they checked for (um, electrolyte balance? thyroid issues?) are not fucking routine.  This all goes back to the "eating disorder."

Just when I think that my day is close to being done, I get pulled out of my final workshop 30 minutes before we wrap up.  This time its my psychologist and guess what, she wants to talk about my denial of being anorexic.  It's just a losing battle.  This time I finally wasn't being convinced I should leave my current program for the eating disorders program.  She just wanted to reiterate that there are options and ways to get help if I think I need it.  Ugh. Fine.  I give up.  If I want help, you're here, I get it.  Although I thought I was in the clear, the social worker found me.....  Guess what?  She wanted to talk about my "eating disorder."  I find all of this ironic since most of the day was spent discussing radical acceptance.  So here we go:

I AM ANOREXIC

Tomorrow I plan to wear it in a fluorescent t-shirt so no one thinks I am in denial.  Yes, I restrict food. Yes, I HAVE A FUCKING EATING DISORDER NOW WILL YOU LEAVE ME ALONE? All I ask is to be left alone to deal with the issues I really need help with and let this one just go.  Because I know I'll be fine.  I know my limitations.  OK, I sound like every other addict out there but I do.  I like being skinny right now so just let me be.  Let me work on the problems I REALLY need help with.....

Even though all this shit happened, I could still come up with three happy things: eating at d.Carlo's for dinner (see, I DO eat--- even though it doesn't conform to "normal standards"), putting on clean sheets (there is nothing better than getting in a bed with clean sheets) and writing this blog today.

Even though I had a bad fucking day, I did have an Oprah aha! moment.  I now have a developed a coping skill when my anxiety is triggered.  It won't happen overnight, but I have one.  It's the first time in 35 years that I have a coping skill.  I learned that my needs are just as important as anyone else's

Step one though is to definitely start wearing my "I heart Anorexia" t-shirt because if I've learned ANYTHING in two days it's that these people (ones i behavioral health) LOVE fucking labels.  If it makes them feel better to label me anorexic, then so be it.  I may not see eye to eye with these people but I know they know more than I do..... so, if you say I'm anorexic.  OK, bring it on.  Let's get this-- because I am in control.