I made it through. A week in an outpatient program at a psychiatric hospital and I made it through. I couldn't believe I was even there but I walked out having gained so much. For the first time in 35 years, I feel like I am starting my life. While I was there, I realized that I don't have the life that I have... but I am the only person who can change it. Am I happy being married to my husband? Absolutely. Am I happy being a mom? She is my pride and joy. But, am I happy with the people in my life? The job I have? The career I chose? ....well, let's just say there are going to be many changes.
The motto I live by is Radical Acceptance. I may not like the reality sometimes but I need to accept it. I've have radically accepted a great deal but I still have a ways to go. Mostly I need to work on the death of my father (as a side note, it will be 14 years this Sunday he'll be gone-- FML). It wasn't until I was in the program that I realized I stuffed so much anger and sadness down which led to not accepting he's gone. The good news is, I'm in therapy so I can start to work on that. My goal is to have accepted the fact that he is gone by his 15 year anniversary.
While I was digging through all these emotions, I realized that there are people in my life that may need to go. I received more support from some of the women in my group (some old enough to be my mom and some young enough to be a little sister) than I did from some of my "friends." Not everyone knows what to say or what to do with a friend who is anorexic. I can appreciate that.... to a point. But ignoring I have a problem or being honest in a negative way, isn't going to help me. I need to start to re-evaluate, one by one, who can remain in my close circle. I have a feeling it's going to get small.
The women in my group taught me just as much as the professionals. Ironically, I didn't think I would even grow close to these women but there is an unspoken bond. Their own personal wisdom helped me. It does help speaking with people who have similar issues. It creates a closeness but we all have to remember to set a boundary-- if not, we'll trigger one another. Hopefully we will all be successful in conquering our problems but there is only so much leaning we can do on one another. Ironically, the reason most of us were in the program was because we took on other's people's problems to solve.
I wish the program was inpatient for a longer period of time. I think I could have benefited from learning more but I am continuing with a six month program that meets once a week. It's sort of like leaving Celeb Rehab and going into Sober House. I wasn't going to participate but, last minute I decided it would be the best for me. Dr. Drew would be so proud of my after care program I'm sure. I recommend this program to anyone who isn't happy.... who isn't living the life they want to live... who lack to coping skills to deal.....
I don't know where I loss the sense of control I had over my life and my happiness in the past year, but it doesn't matter. Mom getting sick was a catalyst. What I mean by that is, a great deal of sadness and anxiety had been shoved down over the years but it reached a pinnacle until Mom got sick. Reality began to set in and without my knowing, set the ball rolling for an emotional explosion. I foolishly thought I beat anorexia years ago. It never goes away. It will always be there but I have accepted (radically of course) anorexia as part of who I am. Can I use better coping skills now? Yes. Will I? I'm trying to work on it every day.
Some in my life don't see the change but I know my truth. I've found my happy again. I'm a new person. A 2.0 version of my old self. I am excited about the changes to come and look forward to work on dealing with dad not being here anymore or eliminating friendships which aren't beneficial to me.
I think Mary J.Blige summed it up the best: No More Drama.
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