Tomorrow is graduation. Surprisingly, it's bittersweet for me. I never ever thought I would benefit from this program the way that I have but, I've found my happy again. I have motivation to get out of bed again (but napping will continue to be part of my regimen during the rest of the leave). I met with my team of doctors today and had a marital session. In each meeting I was told my progress was outstanding and there was a sparkle in my eyes which wasn't there on Monday.
Mostly, the workshops today made a strong impression on me..... They was all about assertiveness, specifically the assertive woman, which I never, ever thought I had a problem with but after today, I realize I never had my own voice. My bark is much worse than my bite--- My mom used to say that my dad was soft as a grape, hard on the outside yet soft on the inside. Today I realized it describes me too. The irony is, I always feel at times I am being too assertive but what I learned is I let people walk all over me. How? Through guilt. Allowing guilt to swallow me whole at times. I am my own worst enemy and take "justified" blame in some of the guilt. This last week has taught me so much about my relationships with so many people. To repeat what I've been saying, it's been eye opening. Aside from the family who knows, my friends have carried me through this week. I don't ever use real names and I'm not going to start, but it's those people who read on a regular basis (and literally send message asking why there hasn't been a blog entry---- sort of a funny form of hate mail) they know who they are.
Even though the professionals were helpful, I really couldn't have made it this far without my friends and my family. I don't know many husbands who would sit in a counseling session, to discuss a marriage that isn't falling apart but has a wife who is beyond fucked up. Although I've complained for months that I wasn't a priority, today I looked over at my husband and realized that he would fly to the moon and back for me to get better. At that moment, at that second, a spark reignited our emotional connection. I realized why we have been together for 7 years and why we are renewing our vows after 5 years of marriage. Of course, all these moments tied together inspired some retail therapy and sent me off to find the perfect dress for the vow renewal. Will it fit me in October? I don't know. I hope so but I hope it's because I've maintained this weight in a healthy way. One day at a time, one moment at a time, one bite at a time.
The texts, the phone calls, the emails, etc have all made what I thought was going to be a long week go by quickly. A week ago, very little made me laugh but now it seems like I can't stop smiling. Each friend in my life serves a purpose-- mostly the purpose is to entertain me but each one has a quality that keeps them around, in my inner circle-- some of whom have been there for decades. When I went into the program, I never intended to make friends. Actually, it was more like a statement "I'm not here to make friends." Are these women I am going to stay in touch with after tomorrow? No but I learned a great deal from them. Each woman in this room has served a purpose. Each one has taught me something about MYSELF. It's allowed me to see myself from a new perspective. I've worked so hard to get through the week and I see it's paying off.... my quality of life has improved in 4 days but deteriorated over 10 months. It's amazing.
This week reminded me that I am so much stronger than I give myself credit for..... and if that's the only thing I take away, the week was a success.
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