Oh wow! I can blog from my iPad. Oprah was right- this is the best investment of the 21st century.
I AM HALFWAY THROUGH!!! I feel as though I've learned so much in the three days I have been there. Yesterday was rough day and I considered not coming back but I had a plan in effect - if I got anymore shit about not being in the eating disorders program I was prepared to walk out or at least get in the face of the director of the program and try, in a very Italian way, and explain once and for all that I was not transferring into the eating disorders program. Fortunately, for them and for me, it didn't have to come to that. I walked in prepared with my "I'm an Anorexic" t-shirt on and a half eaten Bagel around my neck.
My anxiety levels through the week are waning at this point and I was pulled out of group early to meet with my psychologist. She thought it was high time we focused more on why I was there (finally) instead of convincing me I was anorexic and needed help. So, I sat there and poured my guts out to her about the last 10 months of my life: the good, the bad and the ugly with my mom. Needless to say that by the time I finished talking, which seemed like an eternity, I was numb. Completely, totally, utterly numb.
We focused on one particular incident which occurred, that I made a self promise not to blog about.... but I'm going to break that promise. Back in the beginning of the year, my mom was thought to have pneumonia and was recommended to go to the hospital but being a nurse, on top of being stubborn, would not go because she KNEW she didn't have pneumonia. She knew exactly what she needed. I was called at work hoping my mere presence would guilt her into going. Yeah, that plan didn't work and long story short, 911 was called and it was determined a social services incident therefore she was forced to go. In the end, she was right--- she didn't have pneumonia but I felt I had done irreparable damage to our relationship by that point. Or so I thought.
Although we talked about it and I apologized to her, my psychologist painted the following scenario for me: Imagine my husband involuntarily bringing me to an in patient eating disorders clinic when I knew I didn't need to be there. That he took my choice away from me-- even though it would be out of love on his point, it was still him taking my choices away as an adult and that's what I did to my mom that day. Yet another Oprah AHA! moment. So after wiping the tears away, and composing myself, I called my mom and apologized again. My first apology was sincere although I felt as though it was the only thing I could do to repair any harm I've done but this time, this time I understood how she felt and the sorry came from the bottom of my heart. It was then that I promised her that I would always be on her side, and she will always be on mine. It was at that moment I knew my relationship with my mom had finally gone back to what it was.
This program continues to help me on a daily basis. I am learning so much about myself and why I'm so fucked up. It's pretty cool. It is truly solidifying my theory that only children are really fucked up. Each workshop has made me stronger yet it's caused me to question many facets of my life. Namely my career. Is being a buyer for Bloomingdale's on 59th and Lexington possible? Sure. Is it probable? Absolutely not. Yet, I'm beginning to think there is something else out there--- so much more I can offer of myself. Not just in my career but as a mom, a wife, a daughter and a friend. The wheels are turning....
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
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