This blog initially started as a way to write about dealing with the struggles I faced while dealing with my mom's illness and recovery. Instead it's became a literary journey of how I am beginning to change as a person and finally face my struggles head on. I've lost sight of the original purpose--- but with good reason.
I've received many inquiries about how my mom is doing. It's a difficult question to answer.... Very difficult. Now I am at the point that i don't want to jinx anything so I may stop answering the question forever. I was most recently asked over the weekend by a good friend and told her that my mom was doing amazing. She's become more active and seems to be regaining strength every day. But, after seeing her yesterday, it's not true. She may have taken one step forward but she has taken 3 steps back.
Over the past few weeks, she was going out more-- even dining out which was amazing. Father's Day she attended brunch with my stepfather, husband, daughter and me. It was the first time the five of us had been in a restaurant together in well over a year. It was a great day. To be honest, it was indescribable. She looked beautiful and full of life. Throughout the week when I spoke with her, she sounded good. She was excited to be going to dinner for her anniversary to one of her favorite places.... I started to feel like I could really breathe again. It's been almost a year since the Cancer diagnosis and about 9 months since she's been Cancer free. I was convinced things were getting better.
Yesterday, my daughter and I visited her. My mom looked terrible. Just terrible. I was uncomfortable the entire time I was there. I spoke with her a few times over the week and as the weekend approached, I didn't hear from her much but assumed (wrongly) that she was out but that we'd catch up on Sunday. Sunday afternoon I called her and asked how she was and if she was up for a visit (my 2 year old wears ME out so I can only imagine what she does to my mom who doesn't have all her stamina back yet). Although she said yes, I sensed differently but went against my better judgment because I wanted her to see my daughter. Sometimes I feel that she is the only reason that she finds to live. I also wanted to see my mom--- it's no secret that she and I are close.
But it's getting harder and harder to watch. I become angry then guilty for feeling such anger. Not surprisingly, since yesterday my appetite has waned even more. I've decided for my own mental health, I really need to stop going to there until she gets her shit together and feels good. Clearly she isn't going to be honest about it. I suppose I can go back to just called my step father on the sly--- find out what the deal is and then make a decision from there. I don't know.... Being in my partial program has taught me to that I should remove myself from an uncomfortable situation. Why create extra anxiety? Why worry about the what ifs? Clearly that gets me fucking no where.
In the meantime, when someone asks how she's doing, my response is going to be a generic "fine" and leave it at that. I love her so much and I have had more glimpses into the mom I remember than the mom she was becoming, so that's a positive. This journey seems to be getting longer and longer. I can't help but think she pushes herself to hard to get better and it backfires. Yesterday was miserable. I felt unwelcome in my mom's house.... MY house for the first time ever. I couldn't wait to leave. There was this overwhelming feeling that she really wanted to be left alone to rest--- which is fine. I just wish she would tell me.
Protecting me for fear of the consequences doesn't help. I'm still restricting food (yet not losing weight-- ugh) so being clandestine about how she physically feels isn't really helping anyone. She's sure as hell not protecting me at this point. While I still care, I can't get caught up in it and it's an inner power struggle that I try to manage.... I thought I was doing really well, but I guess like my mom, I'm doing fine.
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