Ugh, against my better judgment, I have decided to write about DB (see previous posts). There has been a trending problem since our friendship dissolved-- the nightmares. I really, really hate to even write about him but this blog has become so cathartic for me that perhaps a short blog on this will help me since last night I had a pretty disturbing nightmare. Brief recap: DB and I met when we were 13, instant best friends for years, dated about 2 years in our twenties, broke up, but remained friends until it became impossible. We're both now married, with children and out of each other's life for good. There was a mutual agreement to that about 8 years ago.
All that being said, since the split, from time to time I have had horrible nightmares. They all basically consist of the same premise: in the dream he and I know we aren't friends and time has passed since we've seen each other last. What does change from time to time is our interaction. Sometimes we reconcile and have a love fest of how much we missed each other and glad that we are back in one another's life. Or, as in last night's case, we fight like cats and dogs the same way we did when the friendship was hanging on by a thread. In each case, the dream wakes me up, startled and in tears. Last night was no different.
These dreams bother me on so many levels that I don't even know where to begin. First, I hate that he's still on my mind because I know that I'm not on his. Clearly I need closure here, even though I thought I had it. When we mutually agreed to never speak again, it was a calm conversation while sitting at my kitchen table. We hugged and kissed good bye. Wished each other well and that was it. Um, looks like closure to me, right? Starting to think no.
Second, I am disturbed to the point of nausea that I may actually still miss him in my life. I tell myself that I miss the times we had and the person he was but that's it-- right? I know for a fact, he and my husband would not get along. My husband would HATE him. Of course, he would be bias due to all the stories I've told him but I know there would be a strong personality clash. I never share good stories with my husband, even though there are many. Mostly because we did date and it's just weird. It's funny because I am "friends" with some exes, and my husband knows that and is perfectly ok with it. But, if DB and I reconnected, there would be problems. I know there would.
I know that in the relationship aspect, I'm over him. He would deny it and never believe it- but that's his ego. His ego is SUPER big. Sometimes, there wasn't enough space for him, his ego and me in the same room. Sadly, from what I her from mutual acquaintances (yes, we have mutual friends but never see each other), that hasn't changed. Did we have good time as a couple? Sure but we had better times as best friends. Those are what I miss. The dreams never relate to a romantic relationship but more of the friendship we once had. I trusted him implicitly and he broke my heart. I haven't been able to trust since we disconnected. So, in essence: pre-DB friends are ok, post DB friends are always on the fringe and can be cut at anytime. I guess I can thank him for that.... so, DB, if you see this, thanks for fucking me up more than you already did.
As I said, I hate to even give this asshole any attention but last night's dream was disturbing and woke me up in tears. I don't know why it continues to happen. It's not frequent but, once I have one, I have them for a few nights in a row. Makes sense because he's on my mind so why wouldn't I dream about him. Ugh.Makes me so angry. I just know he has hasn't looked back once and it bothers me that I have. I wish I knew why I cared so much about what he thinks and if I've crossed his mind.... but maybe there was no closure.
Our paths have crossed several times since that day we wished one another luck in their future. Do you know how he handles it? By ignoring me and pretending not to see me. After 14 years of friendship, he pretends NOT to see me. Fucker. That shit really irritates me. Beyond any explanation. He may not want to be friends but I'm still a human being, and if he is as nice and as changed a person as he claims to be (from what I've been told), he would be a tad more magnanimous when we see one other. I suppose I could break the ice and say hi, but I always feel as though if I do, I'm setting myself up for disappointment.
A dear friend of mine once posted an anonymous quote:
"There comes a a point in your life when you realize who matters, who
never did, who won't anymore and who always will. So don't worry
about people from your past, there's a reason why they didn't make
your future."
I think of this quote often when DB comes to mind.... I also share it with those who are experiencing conflicts with a loved on in their life. I try to convince them of how true this is, but I haven't been able to convince myself. Perhaps one day......
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