As I was sitting doing GRE prep work on vocabulary (which I was kicking ass at), I was suddenly disturbed by the ringing of my phone. Since I have caller ID, I knew it was a friend and welcomed the distraction. In the first 5 minutes, per usual, he was circling around in a conversation not making much sense and I finally asked him if he was calling for a legitimate reason. That was my first mistake. He was calling to place a little wager..... Although the terms are sketchy (meaning, there doesn't seem to be prize for the winner or consequence for the loser) I humored him and agreed to it. The bet: I have until July 31 to put on 3 lbs. I laughed out loud and continue to laugh to myself. Clearly people just don't get it. This was pretty much the straw to break the proverbial camel's back. Ironically enough, my husband and I discussed my issues with eating last night since the workshop I participate in was very triggering yesterday. But, I'll assume he didn't talk to my husband and this is coming from general concern.
Let me preface my rant by saying this first: I know that each and every statement about my weight (or lack thereof) is coming from a place of love and concern for my overall well being. I'm not angry at all. I know people are worried but what is starting to worry me more is the ignorance of my disease. I was told by one of the many psychiatric treaters I have that I needed to put on 3 lbs before returning to work, well, turns out I weigh less now than when I went out on leave. Concerning, yes but we'll get to that later. In the last week I've been (in addition to the wager), the following has occurred:
1. You need to eat
2. Eat some baby back ribs
3. Just go to Coldstone
4. You're a stick!
5. You are so thin! Are you like that on purpose?
6. Eat more protein
7. Chow down on Big Macs
Of course these are in addition to the calls wherein I am asked, "What did you eat today?" Again, the ignorance is starting to grate on my nerves. I understand not everyone knows what to say. There isn't really a book of etiquette when it comes to dealing with a close friend/family member battling an eating disorder. If there is, please let me know so I can give them out as Christmas presents. In the mean time, here's the deal:
I DON'T WANT TO EAT
I know it's hard to believe it's that simple, but it truly is. So telling me to eat or what to eat isn't helping me, although I know where you're all coming from. As my husband says, "You're fucked." And in it's simplest form, I am because I don't want to eat. I wish I knew why I didn't want to eat. I am hoping one of my treating professionals can tell me and we can work on it. But, instead I'm setting goal weights for myself. So, sure, I have this wager but it's not incentive to eat. It's funny, in a sick twisted way, but the longer you go without eating, the easier it is NOT to eat. I've spiraled so far out of control that I don't even know how or why this started. I just know that I'm not ready to give up.
Do I eat? Yes. Anorexics do eat. In most cases, they eat every day (as do I). It's just what we eat. I physically cannot handle too large a meal. I get so grossly ill that it's not worth it to me. For some reason, I do better at eating when we're out in a restaurant. I don't know why but it's something my husband has noticed. Maybe the glass of wine lowers my will power.... I have no idea. I guess a great deal of the problem is, I am still not in a dangerous weight range nor am I feeling any serious affects from it. Apparently I lack energy--- so I've been told. There may be truth to that statement, so I'll go with it for now.
My husband believe the anorexia really has no ascertainable beginning point or ending point, but rather it's the collateral damage of what I have been dealing with over what will soon be a year. I can see that. But, I'm going off on a tangent.....
The main point is, what I once took for granted (eating) is now almost an impossibility for me. I wish I could eat, but I can't. It sounds ludicrous--- I know. When I say it out loud even I'm like, what the fuck am I talking about. Eating is difficult. Plain and simple. It's not a matter of will power or even control. Now I'm into a layer of fear. Restricting food is an addiction and like most addictions, it's hard to stop. I don't know how to eat anymore. Ironically, I don't think about food and I'm not all consumed by calories/fat/exercise. I just don't think about it. If there is food there, I may or may not eat it. Eating just isn't important to me---which in all honesty scares me. I often wonder what it is going to take to get me to stop this roller coaster ride but I don't have the answers. Would more time out of work help? Probably not. It just sort of is what it is.
I can say that negativity DOES NOT help. For example, telling me that I look terrible or sick or that I'm not getting better does not encourage me. In actuality, it makes me do the opposite. It makes me feel as though any work or effort I have put in STILL isn't enough so why bother? There is a way to approach the situation in a positive way such as, "I know you're trying but you still don't look good and I'm concerned because I love you." Very easy. Very simple. But to badger me about it, well, that's the worst thing to do.
Another thing that doesn't help? Ignoring it. It's real and it's there. Don't pretend it's not because that makes me uncomfortable. I have no problem discussing the anorexia-- clearly or wouldn't be posting it on a public blog--- but pretending there isn't a problem, isn't going to make it go away. Do I want to get better? 100% yes. Believe it or not, I am working towards that goal. The first order of business is to figure out why I don't want to eat. Until I do that, there really isn't much I can do. The good news is, I am trying to figure it out by going to therapy and outpatient treatment. I'm not ignoring the problem. I truly want to stop, but sadly, it's difficult.
I can appreciate most people's ignorance on the matter. I have a handful of people in my life (not in the psychology field) who have had past experience in this with either friends, family or me for that matter. They get it. Sometimes noticing how much I ate is more more effective than noticing how much I didn't eat. It's a tough concept to understand--- it seems to against all reason.
To be honest, I'm dancing as fast as I can folks. This isn't going to happen overnight.... and until I can get to the root of my problem, it is what it is. I do try. I do make an effort. I'm thankful to have people in my life who are so worried and concerned. This is just a daily struggle..... sadly. I know the consequences and it's not that I don't care, there is just a part of me that doesn't believe they can happen to me. Although I admit I am anorexic (through a great deal of therapy), deep down inside, I don't feel like I am.
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